I want to move beyond dating in my 8 year relationship, and apparently I'm the only one?

Question

I have been with the same person for going on 8 years (since I was 16 he was 19) Here I am, 23 and I want to get married (soon), he's 26 and also wants to get married (eventually), but is very unenthusiastic about it.
I feel like I'm pressuring him, which I don't want, but as many people have so bluntly put it 'sh*t or get off the pot' (you have no idea how many times i've heard this in refrence to my issue)
His reason for not wanting to is because he's just a temp worker right now, nothing extrememly stable, but does support him/us along with my very stable income (i'm a special ed. teacher)
I never thought I'd post a relationship question here, but I'm at my wits end. I want our relationship to move past 'dating' and he seems so complacent to have it stay like this for another 8 years
Is patience my virtue, or my curse?

any insight, life experience, or advice is greatly appericiated

Answer 1

I agree with the other posters, with one twist. Instead of month after month of status quo with no resolution, go forward, with a plan and an exit strategy. You must really love him, or you wouldn't still be with him. You are still both relatively young. For the time being, drop the marriage nagging and put all your efforts into urging him to do whatever remains to be done (finishing education, training or whatever) in order to obtain stable, full time employment.

It may actually be that he is an incredibly cautious guy and just doesn't want to get married, until he is more financially secure. However, as others have pointed out, it could also be that he is just looking for an excuse. This will be the way to tell, for certain.

If he waffles over every full time job possibility, if there is something wrong with all of his choices and he never moves beyond his current position, then that is one good indication that he is not ready to get married, and is actually not really marriage material.

If and when he finds a decent job, wait until he has been employed about six months, then renew the marriage discussion. If he comes up with yet another reason why now just isn't a good time, then again, I'm afraid you have your answer.

Door Number 3, the one you are hoping for, is that he finds stable, full time work, and, if not actually asking YOU for your hand (heaven forbid, huh?), then is at least finally agreeable, when you bring it up again.

You've been with him this long and you obviously care about him, so another few months won't hurt. BUT, If he gets his career together and then makes another excuse, that's it. Leave and look for a man with serious intentions, while you are still young enough to have a family at a reasonable age. You gave him a fair chance, and then some. You've got a life to get on track and you can't afford to waste any more time spinning your wheels.

Answer 2

If he is being honest with you (and seriously, I would think that his main concern would be the fact that you guys got together so young and haven't really experienced anything else), then ask him about his plans for future work -- what is he doing to get a steadier job, what are his goals, does he need help with more schooling, etc.
However, if you feel in your gut that this is just an excuse, then you know the answer to your own question. You've been with him for 8 years -- come on, you KNOW this guy.
If he seems content to keep things this way for another 8, then it's time to move on because you know you want more out of life.
Don't let anyone weigh you down.
It'll be difficult to let go and you should let yourself go through a sad period where you don't date anyone, but believe me, if 8 years from now he decides he wants to wait ANOTHER 8 years to get married, it's going to be a lot harder to find good husband prospects when you're 31 and realize that you should have left him before.

Answer 3

You two should sit down and talk about the situation. Figure out if you two could live on what you two are making right now and if it will be a struggle or not. It sounds like he is concerned that you two can't afford it. It could also be an excuse. He may feel like he wants a steady job instead of a temp job before making that move. Whatever his reason is, talk it out and find out if it truly is about his financial concerns, then see if you two can make it with what you two make. If nothing else, maybe you two can get engaged and when things are better financially, make the next move. Leave the wedding date open until then. After waiting patiently for 8 years, I don't think that is an unreasonable request. Good luck to you two! : )

Answer 4

I can speak to this.
Married at 18, child at 20, married 19 yrs. & divorced.
I have been with someone several years now.
He has financial issues, and I have a stable job.

Your patience is not a virtue here.
The large question is, do you feel you love him enough to let the financial disparities not be an issue for the relationship?
Probably not. From experience I can tell you, something always comes up. A crisis. Job loss. Car breaks down. Money is short.
You are young enough, no children involved, you can definitely move on if you want.
Time usually doesn't help these situations. It didn't help my present one.
How would you feel if you broke up, and found out he was with someone else he proposed to shortly after? Financially set for himself or not? Just a question, but easier to work with that way.
Think it through, don't just think with your heart. Use your head too.
How do you feel about the prospect of supporting a man?
For years and years with no ring or legal protections....
(My parents called that "why buy the cow, when you're getting the milk for free?")
Yes, men have supported families for years.
(Frankly, at times, I've wondered why men haven't revolted about supporting families and being so sacrificial.)
But you are not obligated to, if you don't wish to.
If he is in good health, you have no guilt to feel over it.
You need a partner, not a drain.
Years from now you may want to retire.
If you use all your resources on him, you may not have much to retire on for yourself.
This decision is yours alone...love doesn't grease a lifestyle.
Sadly, money does.
yes, partnership is more than money, but without it, life can get a lot harder.
Don't try to convince this guy into it. Please.
He either wants to commit more to you or doesn't.
If he doesn't, don't let him take an incredible person - YOU - for granted.
Best of luck to you in this process.

Answer 5

This Site Might Help You.

RE:
I want to move beyond dating in my 8 year relationship, and apparently I'm the only one?
I have been with the same person for going on 8 years (since I was 16 he was 19) Here I am, 23 and I want to get married (soon), he's 26 and also wants to get married (eventually), but is very unenthusiastic about it.
I feel like I'm pressuring him, which I don't want, but as many...

Answer 6

I guess you have been living together? Everything is comfortable for him the way it is because he already has everything with no strings attached. It will be real hard to do, but maybe you should move out. Tell him you love him and want to be married but you are not going to wait forever. If you move out let there be some cooling off time between the two of you. If he loves you he will turn around and want to marry you. If not he will be with someone else in no time at all. That would hurt greatly, but then you could move on. I wish you luck. In the future don't move in with any boy friend even if it looks like today everyone is doing it. Most don't have any respect for women who they can get sex from outside of marriage. It also hurts your marriage even after you are married.

Answer 7

"He's just not that into you" is a load of warm stinky stuff. Why do you feel that you are pressuring him. 23 and in an 8 yr relationship. I think you should either make him move out or you move out. If he likes dating so much, then Date! Only see him to go to the movies or other date stuff and then he goes home and you go home. And then you can have other dates with other people. He is comfortable and complacent with your current situation. You have to be willing to loose him in order to make him see that you are worth keeping.
But I don't know if I would rush to marry such a slug.
Peace

Answer 8

Hi,
It is understandable he just wants to support you but I am not sure that he is being entirely truthful about that being the reason he wants to wait. I think he may be getting cold feet and feeling that it's too early and maybe he isnt ready. You should maybe just ask him when he would feel would be the 'right time' but don't make it a big thing, just casually drop it in when he's in a good mood. If he does not reply or sticks with the same answer, just think very hard if he's worth all this trouble. Be patient, but not overly patient.
Hope this helped.

Answer 9

Okay, you posted a very good question. And a very very hard one. Here is your problem: if you give him the ultimatum, he might take it and you guys live happily every after, or he might walk away and get married to someone else next year. If you wait, you might be in this situation for a long time, and even then you two might not work out. You will feel that you are cheated out of your best years. The question to ask yourself is "are you happy?" And be very honest. You do yourself no favors by lying to yourself. If you are happy, then he is genuinely in love with you and just want to get more stable before getting married. That is not unreasonable. Sit down and tell him how important marriage is to you. Draft out a plan in the next 5 years towards marriage, and work towards it. 30 is really not late for getting married. If you are not happy...then the problem is deeper than your boyfriend not wanting to get married. The relationship is just a convenience to him. He will not marry you ever.

Answer 10

Maybe its time to move on. Sometimes its the best thing to do. A man will not get married if he dosen't want to. You can't MAKE them do it. Maybe he does want to get married some day. But you need to face the fact that maybe he dosen't want to marry you. Take your paycheck and your life elsewhere. Have a nice life, date and be happy. There is always the possibility that he will miss you and want you back. Worse case scenario. . .he moves on and marries someone else. Best case scenario. . . you move on, find someone else and get married. Patience is a blessing and a curse.