We've lived together all of these years, engaged for 3 yrs (i wouldn't commit),and now I find out he's been cheating for 10 mos. I hacked into his computer, got into his email, chatted with one of the girls, found out he had unprotected sex with her, confronted him, he lied, found out there were others (7), and all were from "Craigslist" so they were strangers. I am 40, he is 36. I have since talked to 2 others who tell me it was casual sex, not a relationship. He promises it stopped months before I found out and he swore to himself it would never happen again. He is very remorseful but I can't get over the fact that he had unprotected sex with these strangers. He knew how I felt about cheating and having unprotected sex (to me it means you don't care enough about your significant other to protect their health). We've gone to counseling, read books, etc.Either I forgive him and keep him or decide I can never forgive and loose him. How do I decide if our relationship is worth the pain?
2007-11-17 14:19:08 · 50 answers · asked by rabbit4041 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
In his defense, he and I got HIV tests, he changed his cell#, canceled his email, uses my computer and leaves the history intact, and tells me whatever and however long it takes, he's willing. I think I am more willing to forgive casual sex than an affair. The unprotected part of this whole thing is really the thing I can't forgive.
I wasn't committing to him because I have been married 2 times before. You guessed it- Both Loosers.
2007-11-17 14:44:00 · update #1
I don't think any relationship is worth that much pain, or should be "painful." This is something that only you can decide. It's bad enough that he cheated on you and betrayed your trust, but to have unprotected sex when he is sleeping with you.....That's disgraceful. I don't see how you could ever trust this man. If I were you, I'd cut my losses, and end the relationship. Four years is an awful long time to be with someone who you're not making forward progress with. Don't you think you deserve someone more worthy?
Good luck.
2007-11-17 14:32:19 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You've pretty much answered your own question. You already know that you should dump the cheater. He will continue to do it and eventually bring you home a venereal disease, maybe even HIV. No, your life and health are never worth keeping some sorry-a**ed cheater in your life. You'll only be his fool and risking your life if you forgive him and stay with him. You already know what you should do, you're just afraid of it being over. Him cheating on you and not using protection lets you know just how much he cherishes you and your relationship. You know what to do. Listen to Irreplaceable by Beyonce a few times and grow some balls to kick his a** to the curb. And read that poem on here that some chic is trying to palm off as her own...Forget Him, I think it's called. (Find the question that says something like: "what about this poem?"). Make the right decision.
2007-11-17 14:28:43 · answer #2 · answered by Mama Nuveau 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hun, I don't understand why you would even be asking a question like "should I stay?" The question is what is really keeping you there? I say you already know the answer but you just need to get up the courage to do it. If he as been a serial cheater for the past 7 months, chances are it is not going to change just because you found out.
Love is not going to get you through this, A sh*t hot divorce lawyer that will take the jerk for all he is worth on the other hand will.
2007-11-17 14:28:36 · answer #3 · answered by Time To Go 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well since you would'nt committ in the first place, he has now realized maybe you didn't want him! At this point you need to just end it. He has slept around with a bunch of strangers putting you in danger. Forget the books and the counseling and get a moving van and new life w/o him. If you were not ready to commit, he probably was not the one for you anyways. Good luck
PS. Do you two have kids together? B/c if you do you really need to leave for their safety and mental well being. A child doesn't need a role model like that!
2007-11-17 14:28:29 · answer #4 · answered by Mrs. T 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It sounds as if he has made the decision for you, in many ways.
Are you going to feel loved/respected/safe in a relationship with a man who had casual, meaningless sex with strangers while you were engaged to be married?
Somehow, I imagine his "remorse" comes from being caught.
I don't beleive the adage "once a cheater, always a cheater" - I do think some people can change. But it sounds like your man is a compulsive cheater - he's addicted to sex with strangers.
If you think you can live with that - and with knowing that he will likely do it again (and again and again) - then keep him. If, however, you are looking for a loving, trusting, monogamous relationship - you'd better look elsewhere.
2007-11-17 14:24:27 · answer #5 · answered by kelannde 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Lets see. He had unprotected sex with some other people. first of all that shows he is not committed to you nor cares about you. If he loved you , he would have not slept with those other people and risked getting some kind of STD or even HIV. Do you really want to take the risk. this man cheated and he will do it again. you are better off w/o him. Do not risk your health and heart over such a loser. if you had sex with him i would get tested right away.
2007-11-17 14:27:29 · answer #6 · answered by carriec 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It really doesn't make any difference how many times he cheated, or that he had unprotected sex, quite simply he betrayed your trust. Do you really want to spend anymore time in a relationship where you can no longer trust the other person? I wouldn't. The time to forgive and forget is past. Time to move on.
If you decide to hold on, the only one that will be hurt and miserable is you.
2007-11-17 14:31:26 · answer #7 · answered by Scott B 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I asked the same thing when I found out my husband of 13 years was cheating in the same way you described. My mom had some really good advice - you either have to forgive and forget, and that means never to bring it up again, or you have to leave the relationship. I couldn't ever forgive or forget so I left. It was the best thing I ever did for my self esteem. Good luck to you.
2007-11-17 14:23:58 · answer #8 · answered by sweet_sensation775 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I'm 54 years old and learned that "a leopard never changes his spots". Get rid of him asap before you get an std or worse. He's just a big player and will end up being an old player. Be glad you're not married to him-if he cheats on you now, he will always cheat, no matter who he's with. You can do alot better-you can have a man who will appreciate you and respect you. Get rid of that loser now. Good Luck!!
2007-11-17 14:26:45 · answer #9 · answered by catwoman 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
There is only you that can make that decision. He is one of those men that thought he could get away with it. To bad for him now but he does seem to want you and love you. So thats now up to you if you can get over it and have a normal happy relationship or will it always be in the way. Take a break and see how you feel
2007-11-17 14:25:33 · answer #10 · answered by jennifer h 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋