Anyone know a good joke that will make me laugh?

Question

all my worries away.?

Answer 1

A senior citizen and his wife were at the doctors They told the doctor they were both having trouble remembering things.
The doctor said write everything down.
They were at home and the husband said "I am going to the kitchen, would you like something to eat?" The wife said "yes, i would like a bowl of ice cream but remember, write it down". The husband said," i can remember one thing." The wife said "add cherries to that but write it down" and maybe some whip cream too, but write it down." Again the husband said, "I can remember that!" The husband was in the kitchen for 20 minutes or more. He brought his wife bacon and eggs. She said,"You Forgot the toast!"
Hope this gives you a laugh.

Answer 2

These Spanish guys rob a bank and bury the money outside of town. When the Marshals finally find them, come to find out the robbers can't speak English, so they go to their town blacksmith to translate. The old man asks them in Spanish, "¿dónde está el dinero?" (where did you hide the money?) They tell the old man they'll never tell. So the Marshal says, "Tell us where you hid the money or we'll shoot you right here, right now." The old man translates that to the guys who become afraid and tell the old man EXACTLY where the money is buried, "la autorización que diremos, el dinero es enterrada por el roble enorme debajo de la roca grande." (ignore this if you really do speak Spanish)
The marshal says, "Well? What did they say?"
The old man turned to the marshal and said, "The robbers say, they are not afraid to die."

Answer 3

As a golfer, hope this cheers you up.


Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf when one one of them commented on how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed - and without an argument, go directly to the golf course to meet his buddies for 18 holes. All three of his friends unanimously agree, “Let’s do it! We’ll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning!”

A few weeks later it’s Christmas morning - and there all are standing next to each other on the first tee box. One friend exclaims “Boy this game cost me a fortune! I had to buy my wife such a huge diamond ring, she can’t even take her eyes off it.” Another friend says, “I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures.” The third friend replies “Well, my wife is at home admiring her new car… reading the manual.” Silence from the fourth guy…

The other three friends in the group look puzzled, while the final guy in the foursome is staring at them like they must have lost their minds. “I can’t believe you all went to such and expense for a round of golf. I just woke up, slapped her on the butt and said, ‘Well babe, Merry Christmas! Golf or sex, what’s it gonna be?” and she said “Take a sweater.”

Answer 4

A bit "lame" but hope it cheers you up.

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident. It's a bad one. Both of their car are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman say, "So you are a man and that is interesting. I am a woman. Wow, just look at our car! There is nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from god that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replied. "I agree with you completely."

"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here is another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man, the man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and than hands it back to the woman, The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on and hands back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."

Answer 5

a blonde, a red head and a brunette all die and go to heaven.. to get accepted into heaven you have to walk 100 steps and at every step there is a joke that is told and you cant laugh at a joke or else you have to start at the beginning. the red head got to the 3 step before she laughed at a joke.. the brunette got to the 20th step before she laughed.. the blonde got to the 99th step before she laughed and she laughed because she got the first joke that was told.

Answer 6

Husband walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for His wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price.
He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model It for him.
Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing.
I'll not put it on, do the modelling naked and return it tomorrow and get a £150 refund for myself".

So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "My God! It wasn't that creased in the shop".



His funeral is on Thursday

Answer 7

Hear about the Irishman who put an X for no publicity on his football pool coupon and just to make doubly sure, didn't write in his name or address either?

Answer 8

three old men are talking. one says "i'm 73 years old and every morning at exactly 6:00 i take a nice long healthy crap and i feel great" the other says, "I'm 79 years old and every morning at exactly 7:02 i take a nice long healthy pissss and i feel great" the third says, "i'm 82 years old and every morning at exactly 6:15 i take a nice long healthy crap. then at exactly 7:20 i take a nice long healthy piss, but i've never been more miserable" why? the other 2 ask #3 says "because i don't wake up intil 10:00"

hope you feel better

Answer 9

There are 2 muffins in an oven 1 muffin says boy it sure is hot in here the other muffin says holy crap! a talking muffin

Answer 10

The Labour Party....they're the biggest joke we know!
(It's not like you to run out of funnies)