he has been emotionally and verbally, and somewhat physically abusive to me. we have a lot of problems that i just no longer am willing to work on. we have only been together for 3 years, but the toll it has taken on me and the children has just become too much. He just returned home from iraq a few days ago and has already done a few things that are not okay. yelling at me in a parking lot (really mean names) and F You, things like that. Today we talked for awhile and i let him know i was done with this, and now it is time to prepare for divorce. please understand i did not want to leave him while he was deployed. i just didnt have the heart to do that to him. now, he just isnt understanding that all of the things he has done to us in the past are wrong. he will be moving out after xmas. what can i do to support him? he doesnt want this at all, i do.
thank you
2007-11-17 09:47:52 · 10 answers · asked by ★SuGar and SpiCe★ 5 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I mean, coming from a husband's point of view, should i just leave him alone, should i try to hug him? I don't really know what to do that will lighten the pain for him
2007-11-17 09:49:37 · update #1
this is his 2nd deployment, we are both soldiers and no, i cant live somewhere else. there is no family close to where we live
2007-11-17 09:54:12 · update #2
Oh you poor thing....you still have so much love for him to even care about his feelings. Being a soldier yourself you would understand why he is having mood swings etc., but I can understand why you can't take it any more. It's like that here every time my husband tries to quit smoking!
I know it's going to be hard for you to watch him hurting...but be strong honey. You have been hurting all that time and did he concern himself with your feelings? I know we feel sorry for these poor soldiers who are deployed......but you should not have to be a martyr for the rest of your life.
Tell him you didn't want this either....that you still care for him but hugging him may make things worse and get his hopes up. He will get over it. Good luck!
2007-11-17 10:09:58 · answer #1 · answered by Chatterbox 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You cannot simultaneously break off a relationship and support your ex through the breakup.
What this means is that you're going to have a difficult holiday season to say the least. During the period of time while you remain under the same roof with the understanding that you are getting divorced, the best thing you can do is to be calm and as polite as possible.
I wish I could have done this better myself a few years ago when I got divorced. My ex and I lived under the same roof for 4 months before I moved out and it was awful. He kept provoking me (guilt and insults) and I was too angry to hold back on my responses.
Good luck.
2007-11-17 10:07:17 · answer #2 · answered by Helen W. 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If he has done these things since you met him then I would insist he move and get his life in order. Talk to him calmly and state to him that you love him but you don't like the things he does and says to you and his kids. Encourage him to seek a therapist or an anger management course. Tell him that you won't file for divorce if he is trying to get his anger in check.
If this has happened after coming home from Iraq then I'd still insist he talk to a therapist or attend anger management. I would allow him to stay with you but if anything serious happens during that time then he'd be out.
Unless he is willing to change or sees what he is doing is wrong, then there is hope. Anything less and he's honestly not worth the pain and aggravation, even if you truly love him. Time away may wake him up, it may not. Don't tell him it's over unless you have done your very best to salvage the marriage.
2007-11-17 10:10:17 · answer #3 · answered by trojan 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Oh Geez don't let these people on here start saying he is a soldier and Iraq has messed him up, he just sounds mean as Hel* anyway, I'm sure that it was hell over there but don't let them use that as a scape goat, tell him to hit tha road or you will get him arrested if he touches you again, he may be a time bomb, if it will make it easier on you wait til he goes back to Iraq and then put the screws to him, you don't need any of these peoples opinion or their blessing on this issue, don't worry about supporting him, he's never worried about supporting you, don't get on a guilt trip over this or you will never get out of this situation,, just think if you get rid of him you could be laying with someone right now that would be holding you and telling you how much they love you and be enjoying you real good if ya know what I mean,,, !!!!
2007-11-17 10:27:58 · answer #4 · answered by Eddie B 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I would leave him alone. He brought this on himself let him deal with it. If you hug him and stuff he will get mixed messages from you since he does not want a divorce. You could talk to him and explain what it is that he did. He might not think it was wrong. It is and you need to get out of it before it takes more of a toll on you and the children. It is not good for them to witness this. They will grow up thinking that it is normal. Good luck.
2007-11-17 09:54:44 · answer #5 · answered by kim h 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
if he came from iraq and is doing this, this could seriously be some issues. if he wasnt a soldier then yes you should leave him by all means but since he is one i think you should help him. i mean really my friend went to iraq and he was just never the same. id say stay with your parents or friends but dont leave him.
get him a therapist a psychologist a hyptnotist im not joking all three, the army should cover them as it is probably some sort of trauma he had experienced.
2007-11-17 09:52:57 · answer #6 · answered by djmixah7 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
he needs therapy and right away. instead of saying your done with him try a different approach and really sit down and communicate with him how hurt u feel about his behavior. if he doesn't want to separate it means he loves u and may be willing to go to therapy and find out what is causing him to be like this. war is hell and does make people act differently it can effect ones emotions. see if u can resolve the problems before u move forward toward divorce.
2007-11-17 09:58:19 · answer #7 · answered by jude 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is going to happen to a lot of husbands coming home from Irag. Sorry.
2007-11-17 10:03:18 · answer #8 · answered by Anthony F 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You should not support him if he doesnt want the divorce, he may take it as mix messages. If you are sure about what your doing...hold to it and dont give him mixed messages.
2007-11-17 10:03:21 · answer #9 · answered by Mean Carleen 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
IF YOU CAN;T GET COUNCELING
THEN DIVORCE HIM
GOOD LUCK
2007-11-17 10:01:50 · answer #10 · answered by leonard m 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋