How to cope with 13yr olds bad attitude?

Question

MY YOUNGEST DAUGHTER IS 13. HER FATHER AND I ARE SEPERATED. SHE BLAMES ME I BLAME US BOTH. ANYWAY SHE TELLS ME ALL THE TIME I DONT CARE ABOUT HER AND WANTS TO STAY IN HER ROOM ALL THE TIME IF I ASK HER TO DO SOMETHING I AM A MONSTER. ANY SUGGESTIONS?

i dident mean i blamed her. when i said us both i meant her father and myself

Answer 1

Sit down with her and have a heart to heart talk about how the separation is affecting you. Acknowledge that you are having a difficult time adjusting. Be specific about the pressures or stress you are under, financial, job, loss of spouse, loss of intimacy...etc...then tell her how much she means to you and how much you love her. Speak in a calm and loving voice...Tell her that the worst part of you life is feeling so distant and removed from her and her life. Ask her what she advises will help. Ask her to be specific...Tell her acknowledge her answers and tell that that they are good suggestions and that you will try to apply them...ask her for her help...do something that she would like to do totally spontaneously...go out and just have fun together...without any serious talking...go to a movie that SHE wants to see...or rent one...go out to dinner ...have her order for both of you...avoid being judgmental.
By approaching her this way you validate her. You are sharing your fears and worries with her and asking for help. This will make her feel more like an equal and less like a child put down by an oppressive old fashioned parent.
Encouraging her to share her opinions gives her power...that is what the root of the whole problem is...a struggle for control and power...So, share it...it will make your life much easier...after all, she is growing up and needs to be taught how to be an adult...modeling it will only make it easier.
Later you will have the conversation that with this new sense of power and control comes responsibility. If she wants to be treated like an adult then she must act like one. This will include working together to make your new home without your spouse run smoothly. Make a list of everything that needs to be done and ASK her what the best way to accomplish these tasks is and whose responsibility it will be to do them.
Bottom line, she wants to be treated with respect. She wants some power and control over her life which has been turned upside down with the separation. She needs to know that you love her unconditionally and that you will always be there for her. Be honest. Ask dont tell...and you will enjoy the fruits of your labor.
It is hard...but it is also the most rewarding job in the world. Good Luck!

Answer 2

Well the major thing to do is just keep trying to show her that you love her - even if she tries to push you away. Find a key thing that you can both enjoy together and make sure you both make an effort to do it on a regular basis, say for example going swimming or even simple things like watching a tv program (Brat Camp:Mothers and Daughters is great to make you feel good about your relationship or it may have the adverse effect :-$) It will be tough for her but maybe the reason she's blaming you is because she feels she has a stronger bond with her dad? I know this is upsetting, but seriously keep trying but give her room as well - if she says shes in a mood back off and give her space, that way you'll both be able to respect each other more. Try not to take it personally that she blames you either, just remember that as much as people may tell her that both her parents still love her, she may feel this isn't the case; for this time and space are really the only healers. Finally, don't worry!! She is a normal teenage girl (being in moods) who has found herself not in an ideal situation - she just needs to learn to get used to it and find a happy medium in her life.

Answer 3

Wow, this kid does not need any lessons in hitting. What is with all of you that want to beat the kid into submission? In my experience, you are always better off rewarding good behavior than punishing bad, which does not mean that you just let him hit or swear at you. He cannot argue with you if you WILL NOT argue with him. ANYTHING he says or ask for in a less than polite way is totally ignored, just like you did not even hear it. Say "Sorry, my ears can't hear swearing (or demanding, arguing, etc.)" Reward ANYTHING he does that is nice or polite, even if only with a comment, "That was a nice way to ask, thank you very much" or base TV, computer time etc on his good behavior. If he ask nicely he get 10 minutes, helping his brothers get 15, etc. Don't take away time when he's bad, just reward good behavior. I understand the desire to punish him when he's rude and mean but I have found that I get much, much better results this way and isn't that what really counts.

Answer 4

It is a stage 13 yr olds go thru, although kids have it way too easy these days!! Maybe try asking her what she would like to do and make sure to do it!!! As for you and her father, you are wasting your time on blaming others for the seperation instead of getting on with life. Is it really someone's fault or just the simple fact that the two of you were uncompatible and if so then you are better off apart but you can't blame anyone for differences. (we all have differences)

Answer 5

Nice job not answering the question Danny S!

Anyway, even though Im a few years older, I struggled with basically the same issues when I was younger. I blamed my mom for many things because she was/is the one that was there with me, I also knew she was the safest to be angry with. That I could do just about anything and she would still continue to take care of me. Unfortunately It took me awhile to really understand that she did care. I never doubted she loved me, but its a very difficult time being 13 (or there abouts).
My suggestions, try reinforcing any postive behaviors that you can. Go out to dinner, to the movies, to the park, oh dont forget shopping! lol, anyhow, do things together to strengthen the relationship. It wont be easy and I wish you the best of luck!
HUGS

Answer 6

Tough spot to be in, for sure. But take heart, most 13 year olds want to stay in their room all day, divorce or not. Keep reaching out to her, and let her know you're there when she needs you. Try not to react (too much) to nasty stuff she might say. Reach out to your friends, esp. if some of them have kids her age - they are probably going through much the same thing.
If you have not read anything by Barbara Coloroso before, she's an amazing author on parenting. I'm not one to read parenting books, but when I'm struggling with my son, I re-read "Kids are worth it!" and find I am able to cope a lot better.
Try, as much as possible, not to take it personally. If it wasn't the seperation, it would be something else. She's struggling with becoming an adult, moving into a world where suddenly everything is different from what she knew before. It'll be hard on both of you, but you'll get through it. Hang in there!

Answer 7

That is very typical behavior for her age. She is going to play both you and her father against each other. Treat her the same way you would have if you and her father stayed together.

Try not to get in a situation where you use your daughter to get even with her father.

Just set rules and rewards and be consistent. You will get a lot smarter in HER eyes when she turns 25.

Answer 8

Find a way to demonstrate to her that you still love her and care about her. (don't just tell her) It might not sink in right away but it will eventually.

For problem behavior, its the same as any child behavior problem. Have clear consistent rules for your household. Let her share in the rule making and deciding the consequences. Give her space (both physical and emotional) and remember that you're the adult in the situation and you have to both model appropriate behavior as well as referee it.

And in the end, its just a teenager acting like a teenager and irrational behavior is actually the norm while they are wrestling with a large array of changes and confusion.

Answer 9

Welcome to teenage.

You and your Husband need to have a meeting without her and come to terms on the fact that you will speak to each other when her behavior is bad.

And then you need to have a meeting WITH her to reinforce all of the agreed upon behaviors. If she knows you are both in agreement and expect good behavior, it should help to eliminate her concerns.

Work out a schedule without ugliness and you can work it out.

Just remember Teenage is going to be a REAL challenge.
Hug her when she is at her worst. When I was the most angry with my kids I would Squeeeeeze them and tell them I loved them to keep from saying ugly things. And we have never been apart. Raising teens is just a tought job.

Kids always in some ways, no matter what their mouth says, feel the split is their fault.

Answer 10

Uggg....teenagers are CRAZY! I have four kids, oldest 2 are 21 and 18. They're mostly a pleasure now (maybe because they're never home...lol) But 13 really stinks. Very selfish, one way, bratty, manipulative, just so self centered. They know just what to say to stab your heart.

There's not a whole lot you can do, just tell her she's hurting your feelings. She'll pretend she doesn't care, but she does. I always say the reason we get our kids as infants is so we'll still love them through those teen years! They're miserable!
Hang in there. You are NOT alone! Get her into counseling if you can. That will help too.