marriage counseling isnt working??

Question

my husband and i are in marriage counseling to address an affair he had a few years back..everytime we come home after the sessions, when i try to question him about something he said during the sessions, he starts to yell at me and leaves the house..One of the things i told him that i needed in counseling is for him to take the time to listen to me and for us to communicate.. His response is always that i need to know when to stop (even though i barely get a word out when he says this), or he tells me "why should i listen to you?" .. I am getting frustrated because even though we are learning different techniques in counseling, its like when we get home, all the techniques go out the window..what should i do??

owen: i am not a nagging wife...i do bring up things during the session, however, the session last for only a short time, so sometimes we dont get to finish discussing a topic..if i have an additional question to ask, its hard to wait for two weeks to ask the question.. and when i do bring up a question, i am not being rude to him or even arguing, it is my husband that immediately starts to yell and raise his voice at me in order to avoid communication..

Answer 1

The hard part will be on you.

Here is the hard part.

In order for you & your husband to get-on with your life .. and make your marriage work in the future .. you are going to have to forgive & forget. And most of all - make him think you have done just that.

You can't unring a bell. You cannot go back to yesterday.

All you have is "now" ... and hopefully, tomorrow.

You cannot change the past. You just have to live with it.

If you want your marriage to work .. and you want to give it a chance for survival .. forget that affair. I KNOW .. it is not easy .. and it is something that will never completely leave you ... but somehow, some way - you have to get past it .. in your marriage .. and to your husband.

Your husband may have learned his lesson. If he has not - it will one day be discovered. However - if he HAS learned his lesson - it may be worth it to get over it.

I know someone who was exactly the same way your husband is .. according to his reactions. He says the same things when he has done something wrong. He does NOT want to talk about it. It is like he cannot STAND to admit out-loud that he has been bad. However - when it is not talked about .. and everybody goes on down the road with their life .. in a good way .. he straightens up and does good. It's like he just does NOT want to hear these things about himself .. and he is not going to admit much.

So ... if you want your marriage to work .. just let this GO. Don't mention it. Give it a shot. Just try to go forward.

Then .. work on getting the affair & the cheating .. out of your heart & mind. Learn how to deal with it. One thing .. DO NOT dwell on it at all. Do whatever you have to do .. not to think about it at all. The hurt will always be there .. but the hurt should lessen with time.

If you are wanting your marriage to work .. then "back-off" about the affair .. and talking about it . Work on going forward with happiness only. See if this helps.

"MAYBE" .. ... if you do these things .. your husband might be relieved .. and can resume a good relationship again.

Treat him great .. if you are going to continue living with him.

If you cannot get past the affair - and cling to it daily .. then your marriage will go no where .. and you will be miserable every day .. and so will he.

Just put it in the past .. and be determined to put only good things in the future. It will all be good.

Answer 2

Well aren't you being dumb you are suppose to confront them in the counselling so he can't just walk out?. What is trhe point of going to counselling if you badger him at home after wards when you should have done it in the session so the counsellor could help resolve this?. Think before you open your mouth next time if you need to ask him something he brings up in counselling ask him there. All you are doing is throwing your money down the toilet when you do something as stupid as this.

Be lucky this guy is sorry and sad that he hurt you if the love was gone he would not even go to counselling. Count your blessings and just learn to drop something.

I do not mean to be mean but maybe this is why he cheated because you are a nagging wife that doesn't no when to shut-up.

Answer 3

I see a few dynamics at work here. For one, do you bring up the anger issues in counseling? Also, one question you have to ask yourself is: Are you willing and capable of forgiving him for the affair, and do you feel you can ever trust him again or do you fear he will go out on you again? If you can't forgive and learn to trust again, than no marriage counseling will work. If you have a nagging feeling you can't trust him, then that's probably your intuition telling you to back off, and it may be a good idea to do so.

It could also be that your marriage counselor is no good. I have a degree in psychology and can tell you from experience that many counselors get into the profession to fix other people's problems instead of facing their own...just because someone has the title of marriage counselor actually means they are healthy.

A good counselor will listen to both of you and facilitate open discussion. S/he will listen to both concerns equally, and help you learn to communicate in respectful ways. From what I hear, your husband has anger issues, and these need to be addressed, not in couples' counseling, but in individual therapy. In general, it is a good idea for both partners to attend individual counseling in addition to the couples counseling, since certain issues need to be addressed individually.

Also, you may want to try to ask your questions about what was said in counseling right during the session. The fact that you talk about it afterwards makes me think that you don't address things when they need to be addressed. If there is anything in counseling that raises questions in you, ask them straight out.

If you feel you are not getting anywhere with the counseling, it would be a good idea to look for another counselor...there are many different approaches to therapy, and not all approaches work for everyone, you need to find one that works for your specific dynamic.

Answer 4

It seems to me that often, by the time a couple is in marriage counseling, it's too late. This is especially true if the counseling is going the way it is for you.

I was in counseling with my ex-husband for nearly four years and got almost nowhere. Occasionally it would seem like we made progress in the session, but the problems at home never changed, because we were completely incompatible. Eventually I left him--there was just no help for us. But I am still glad we went; I am glad we tried.

You might want to consider individual counseling to help you think things through.

Answer 5

Don't give up. It seems like he is very defensive, he most likely feels bad about his actions and does not want to discuss them. Back off. Really, You are not going to solve the problem by keeping at him. You are going to end up discouraging him from going at all. When he tells you that you need to know when to stop, he means you need to know when to stop "according to his standards' not yours. When you feel like discussing things, go and write them down, bring it with you to your session and read it to him there. This will prevent you from saying things to him that you would not say in front of your counseler and it will give you the opportuintiy to say the things you want to say. Bravo to you for fighting for your marriage. People always seem to think that when one person strays the deal is off. I know this sounds harsh, but you need to get over the affair. It is not an easy thing to do, but it has been quite a while ago. You decided to stay in the marriage, that was your decision. Now you have to put it back together again and make it work. You had the opportunity to go when you found out about the affair and you did not. You stayed because you wanted your marriage. The affair is very seldom about the other spouse. It is usually more about insecurities. He did not do this to hurt you, he did it to make himself feel better. Ask yourself why you stayed? Once you have the answer you need to remind yourself of this often.

Answer 6

One thing you ought to know about betrayal in marriage.... only 20% survive two years even when both are in counseling and both wish to save the marriage..... It isn't obvious from what you have said here that either of you really wishes to save this marriage.....You admit that you "try to question him about something....."

Hon, if your marriage is going to survive, you need to get over the betrayal and work on today, not drag up yesterday.

In counseling both of you ought to learn how to get issues out on the table without resentment and rage, and apparently neither of you is learning that..... you both are ending up like three year old screaming at each other... not cool.

Betrayal, really, is the only deal buster in marriage. About everything else can be worked thru. If marriage is Respect, Admiration, Passion and Trust, the trust in your marriage is gone (loooooong gone) with the passion getting shared with someone else. That, hon, is still stuck in your throat, and it is obvious from what you have written. And for sure you have no respect nor admiration left for this man. The only thing keeping the two of you together is a common history, and the inconvenience of one moving out. So, right now, you don't even have a marriage.... you have an occasional boinking buddy....Even if you have young kids together, that isn't holding this together.

What should you do?
1. Ask your counselor to help you each learn the language of compromise, and how to get issues out on the table with rage. "You are such a flucking idiot when you..... What the hell am I supposed to do when you....." and "Gee, George. I hate this housework too. When would be a good time for us to sit down and try to design a schedule where all this stuff gets done, and no one feels used?" (Stupid example, but all I could come up with right here)

What the first one does is just slam the whole thing in his lap. In the second you claim ownership of the problem as well as part ownership of the solution.... far different. If you are not learning that from your counselor, ask to be taught.
2. If you are making no head way with this counselor, consider a change.
3. If you feel that you have no reason to go on with this man, say so, and file. "George. I will always care for what we once had, but I see no way to get any of it back. I want out of our marriage."

Answer 7

OK, not being rude, but as soon as i read the 'AFFAIR' in the first line, i stopped reading to write this message. its over. unless you have done the same, you can do better, you deserve better.

it will never work and its not fair on you to keep wondering from this day forward what hes doing, where hes at and who hes with.

you will be torturing yourself and its really not fair on you. men who do this are pigs.

i just read the rest, and it seems like he doesnt really haev much respect for you.


i can say that if u want to work at it. you can start by dramatically spicing up your sex life. be (in the nicest way) a bit of a s l u t in the bedroom for him. seriously, sex is great and just coz your married doesnt mean it should slow down or only happen on special occasaions! maybe then you could get a word in x

Answer 8

It opens up your communication with each other and saves a lot of marriages. You will probably not like everything you hear and they also give you tools to deal with that and move on to make your marriage stronger. If you even think you need it then you do and should go.

Answer 9

Have you tried bringing up the problem during counseling? As someone else suggested, individual counseling might help as well.

Answer 10

Have you tried making a report card?..Coz if hes not gonna listen to you, then maybe the best way is to write down on the papers the things you wanted to tell him. And if its not going to work, then maybe its time for you to leave him. Maybe you deserve a better husband!