Am I fighting a losing battle?

Question

My husband and I have been arguing a lot lately due to him working all the time and never being home. He makes all kinds of excuses as to why he needs to work, and when I try to tell him he's neglecting our child (I don't even bother saying he's neglecting me anymore), all he tells me is I'm barking up the wrong tree.

We had a huge fight yesterday and I ended up staying the night at a relative's place with our child, simply to allow both myself and him to cool off. We spoke on the phone, we argued on the phone, and it ended with him getting a call on his work cell to go into work. He said he'd rather talk to me face to face, that instead of on the phone we should sit down together and talk everything through. I said fine, he could call when he's ready, he knows where we are. He told me he'd call when he got home, but he never did, although he says he didn't finish work until 4 in the morning.

When my son and I got up, we came home, and I called him to let him know we were close, and he says, "are you sure that's a good idea?" I asked him what he meant, he said that we haven't talked about things, should I really come home when we still haven't talked? Remember, he's the one who said he wanted to talk to me face to face. I said yes, it's a good idea for me and our son to be at our home, he said fine, and came outside to greet our child.

Since we've been home, he hasn't spent any time talking about anything to me, instead spending most of the time on his work phone talking to his boss and co-workers about work last night. (I guess there was a problem and that's why he worked so late.) I asked him if he's going to work today, he said he didn't know yet...I asked him didn't he think it might be a good idea to spend the day with his family considering all the events that have happened lately? Again, he tells me I'm barking up the wrong tree.

(I don't even know what he means by that.) By the way he's talking to his boss, I can tell he's trying to convince his boss that he can work if needed, that if he wants him to come in, he'll be able and willing...

So my question is this...am I wasting my time trying to even talk things through with him? He's the one who said he wanted to talk, and now that he has the opportunity he'd rather be working, which is how things always are. He doesn't care to spend anytime with our baby, let alone me, which fine, I can deal with him not spending time with me, but not our child. It's gotten so bad that he's even blowing off things like ultrasounds for our unborn baby. He never would have done that before, and I can't figure out why things that he claimed to be important before are now seemingly no longer important at all.

I'm sure I'm opening myself up to people saying he's cheating, and while that has crossed my mind, I don't think he is.

He just came downstairs and said he called his boss and told him he can't work today, that he's too exhausted...then says to me, "There, are you happy now?" And I said, "You didn't do it for me, so don't act like you did." So at least he's not working today, but I doubt we'll end up talking.

To the lady who said I should try something late in the evening when he's home from work...he usually get's home at about 8:30pm, has something to eat then spends a bit of time getting our son to sleep, but then ends up falling asleep with him. I ask him before he even lays down, will he get up with me when our son is asleep and spend a bit of time together? He always says yes, but then stays asleep the whole night, and to avoid an argument, I don't bother waking him up.

Now his boss has called and asked him to work and guess what? He said yes!! Surprise, surprise. His boss said he'd try to find someone else, but if he couldn't, then he'd have to do it. And it's not like it's a quick thing either, they have to travel 3 hours away from here, do the work, and then come back, so I don't expect to see him at all today. :(

Answer 1

You husband might be suffering under a demanding job that is requiring more and more of his time. It is easier said than done to "find another job." However, he should try to set some limits if he can do so and keep his job.
In the meantime, going with you for ultrasounds would be sweet, but it isn't required to make sure the baby is all right, now is it? You seem to have an idea of what constitutes love that he isn't fitting anymore. It could be he has matured in the marriage and you haven't, emotionally anyway.
Still, he should be talking to you and shouldn't have blown you off or asked if you thought it was a good idea to come home. There is a storm brewing here somewhere.
Try counseling. If your marriage is important to him, he'll make some time for that, even if it means working a half day or taking some personal days off.

Answer 2

I am assuming u dont doubt his loyalty as u have not said anything other than the fact the he works all the time. Some people are workaholics its not that they dont love their family or dont want to spend time with them its just that they give more importance to work and career. The best way to deal with someone like this is to leave them alone and be very patient when u talk. There is never a right time to talk about anything ofcourse, maybe making an excuse to go out to dinner is a good way to spend time with each other... but remember when u go out dont talk about anything neagtive, have fun and be the fun person that u r. No matter what his response is be positive and filter out the stuff that would make u upset. Try this a couple of times, dont be diappointed if u dont get any response to ur efforts. Eventually he will see that being around u is relaxing and is a break from the everyday work and stress and will want to spend more time with u... Good luck!!!

Answer 3

Is your husband's enormous work load reflected in the check he brings home? If not, then I would suggest he might not be working all those hours. At any rate, what he is doing by neglecting the family is unhealthy for your relationship. I wonder when he had time to get you pregnant with another child he's already ignoring. You do need badly to have a talk. Something doesn't sound right about this. Keep your eyes wide open and your lips closed for awhile. It takes two to argue; don't be one of the two.

Answer 4

I don't think he's cheating either, I think maybe he has a lot going on at work and wants to keep his job and move up the ladder to something higher paying and wants to seem like a dedicated employee. I don't know what he doesn't for a living but if there is room for promotion maybe he is trying to get that to surprise you later on especially with a new baby on the way. He sounds like a rationale man with a very busy job. Almost sounds like a Lawyer! I would try to find time late in the evenings when hes home to maybe when in bed start rubbing his shoulders to relax him and talk to him.

The more you two talk the better, just keep a good open communication with him because he sounds like a good man with just a very heavy load or dreams for something bigger, in the work place.

Answer 5

Aw thats terrible but I saw this same thing on Doc. Phil. He just doesnt know how to balance work and family. Men can be really dumb sometimes. All you can do is try... Get a marriage counslor involved. If he doesnt want to try then I would suggest just end the whole thing. He will prob just pay you child support and never have time for your son anyway. Move on and find a family man.
I cant beleive he asked yuo if it was a good idea for you to go back to YOUR house! What nerve. Watch Diary of a mad black woman. They give a lot of quotes and there are somethings that will make you laugh and cry.

Just dont let your son see and hear or feel any of the tension. Remember you pushed that boy out and whethe or not the Dad wants to be there it is you and your son FOR LIFE!

Answer 6

One thing is for sure, you two do need to talk. Ask him to set a time when you two can talk and consider it an unbreakable appointment, i.e. work cannot interfere with this block of time for the sake of your marriage.

I would suggest you two go to couple's therapy, I know it's hard since you never see him so you might try writing him a letter. Especially if he doesn't agree to you talking face-to face. Maybe start with one where you vent your anger and throw that one out, then write him one about how this is making you feel and how you want there to be a balance between the two of you.

Answer 7

Sounds as though he's trying to run away from something and it using his work as an excuse to stay away.

Does he want another child? Is he even excited about it? Is he working all the time because he's wanting to support his family?

He needs to make some time for you two to sit down and discuss your future together.
Ask him if he still wants to be married or not?
From what you've said, it doesn't appear so. Especially when he didn't want you to come home and doesn't make any effort to talk.

Answer 8

If he really doesn't seem to want to talk right away, give him a couple of days. If nothing has changed after a few days, take the initiative, demand some time to sort out the problem. Otherwise you may need to involve a third party as a mediator like a counselor.

Answer 9

i would try writing him a letter explaining your feelings and put it with his work stuff, b/c it will be work once he reads it and chances are he is more likely to read it that way.. at least then you have told how you feel and given him the chance to react and change some things

Answer 10

I would suspect he is simply avoiding some problem in your marriage. Reexamine the issues in you relationship. What are the issues that he may be avoiding? What are the issues that you are avoiding or in denial of?

Start there.