help please here, not many answering?

Question

I know this does not belong here, but I trust you guys and nobody in the dating catagory knows anything, they are all kids please help.

Wanted to add?
I asked this question this morning and wanted to add to it since some of you thought I was chasing him and wouldnt leave him alone.

I met this guy, I really like him a lot and he has said he likes me, he has been divorced for 2 years. I have asked him over, we have had drinks together, made out etc. then all of a sudden he backs off. he calls me every night, emails me, comes in for lunch where I work, but he wont be alone with me and keeps saying we are going way to fast. he has said that my dreams match what he has been wishing for forever, like the beginning of his fantasy life. yet he wont do anything but talk to me on the phone or email. I am very confused. what do I do?
I wanted to add, that I had a long talk with him and told him I would leave him alone and back off, not call etc if he didnt want me to, thats when he said that my dreams seem to match what he has always wanted, like this was the beginning of his fanstasy life. I just dont understand why he wont be alone with
7 minutes ago - 3 days left to answer.
Additional Details
5 minutes ago

me, he will just talk on the phone and e mail and when he comes in for luch, he is very distant for most of it till he gets ready to leave, then softens up. when on the phone if I say goodbye, he says "see ya: very forcibly, but will not say good bye. how long will I have to wait on him to figure out what he wants?
2 minutes ago - 3 days left to answer.
Additional Details
55 seconds ago

his last two emails

Ok here I go. I'll try hard at this but it may be stupid. ( Friends first than maybe extras latter. I hate to see people hurt and don't want to be a part of it. I feel your dreams also are what I have hoped for would come true for a long time, it is the start of my fanitsy story. I admire the energy you have and the fight you have to reach your goals.


Ok, past statement you made. It is ok, so I'm I. What happens 10 years from now if things change that I can't control?

he is about 15 years older than me
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I am 35 years old

yes, I have been to his house, we talk every night, he is not married.

Answer 1

Men hate playing games.

Take what he said for fact and back off a few steps.

Answer 2

So I read all the answers and I have one more idea. Maybe he is having trouble getting it up so to speak and is too embarrassed to do anything about it. Believe me, I am a pharmacy tech and you would not believe how is this day and age guys are to freaked out to even hand the prescription to any of the females but will give it to the male pharmacist. Makes me wonder how they made it to the doctor to even ask. I could be wrong and Lord knows you have gotten some really great answer. Maybe back off and go out with someone else and don't be so available for him with the phone and emails. I agree he pushed the limits making out with you but still. Remember, they always want what they can't have. I am 52 and been there, done that.

Answer 3

Just reread your letter. There is no wonder why he is putting the brakes on. You are obviously not ready for a relationship. You are pushing the start of this potential relationship so hard you are either desperate or very immature.

Now I am truly sorry to be so harsh as I really get no joy in hurting your feelings but you really need a wake up call.

Just back off and let the relationship happen. Stop thinking. Stop projecting and just Chill. If this a a good relationship it will work in due time.

Answer 4

Sounds like he's not ready to commit.

Okay, look - I married a divorced guy with two kids. He was a nice guy, and he still is, and I still love my stepkids (who are now both 30-ish). But, this all sounds familiar to me, and our marriage broke up after 10 years. He just never really committed to the second marriage. He never cheated, but we never had that closeness that I needed, he just flat out never really got over the first marriage, even after our own son was born. I overlooked a lot of red flags because he had a lot of good qualities. He is 10 years older than me.

I used to do the same things you're doing - try to analyze what he said and did, but I loved him and I couldn't accept that he really didn't feel the same way.

This may not change your mind, but at least just step back and think about it OK? You may get a commitment from this guy, but at what cost?

You want to be somebody's sweetheart, you do not want to be someone's "second choice". If you get that feeling that that is where you fall in his mind - and you need to go with your gut here - then break it off. You do not want to be 20 years down the road, wondering what it could have been like had you kept looking. This is the one time in your life when you're young, pretty, and your future is wide open with possibility.

Just keep your eyes open OK? And if someone else asks you out - go - don't deny yourself another attraction. Stay in contact with your girl friends, and listen to their opinions too.

My best to you, take care.

Answer 5

Ok, well, divorce, is rough, i'm dating someone now whose parent broke apart 5 years ago and there are STILL huge trust issues going on that I'm dealing with. I'm sure that is a huge part of his proverbial fence sitting. What you need to do is be patient, and persistent, keep trying to connect with him. Right now if he's not comfortable with seeing you, you just have to roll with it. But as long as he still wants to talk to you that's a great thing.

On some level he must be dealing with a huge load of issues and since you're coming in after the story it will be very difficult for you to help b/c you don't know everything and especially don't know how much he's hurt.

But you gotta be patient, he'll come around, just slower than most. if he really values you, he'll come around.

I wouldn't wait forever but i would give him time, he's probably kinda afraid, it's so sad but it's true. if he's a sensitive guy he's gonna have the scars from that for the rest of his life.

Trust me, it's really difficult. I have a similar dilemma, but you just gotta be paitent, time is the trust maker. You gotta stick with him ,and give him time. Do for him what his first wife couldn't do. Show him you intend to be there for him for a long time...and make sure you mean it.

Good luck and if you need anymore help let me know.
~T.

Answer 6

Sounds like he respects you and is serious about you, and wants you to know that he doesn't just want you for your body for a little while and then to say goodbye the first time you say or do something wrong. From what I've heard, real love and marriage takes more than just making out. After all, in this country the divorce rate is 50%! Why can't all those millions of angry, unhappy people just make out and make up? But that's the fact of it--they can't. And he must just not want that to happen to you two. After all, ANYBODY can make out, even institutionalized retarded people find ways to. Even people who can't get along about anything else. So maybe he wants to make sure that you two can really get along and not get tired of each other and handle it when you DO get mad at each other so you can make out forever, happily ever after, so that whatever is happening to the other 50% of Americans doesn't happen to you...Best regards, Mike

Answer 7

He's very unsure of himself - he lacks self confidence. In other words, it has a lot more to do with him than you. And, there's not much you can do about it.

The age difference also has him concerned.

If I were you, I would not restrict my social life to just this guy. If he's going to come around, it will be within the next two or three months.

Don't fall for him. Keep your own social life going and treat him as a possibility, but certainly not anything for sure. His indecisiveness at this point may also indicate some personal commitment problems. Remember, he's divorced for a reason.

Answer 8

ANd you know why he is divorced?
Maybe letting go is a good choice here, why complicate your life?
He doésn´t want to hurt you but at the end he may say " Oh well if she insists!" Sometime 15 yrs..is too much in a relationship to bear..But if I were you I would be more aware. When we "make" things happens sometimes isn´t a good idea after all! and dreams can become nightmares,,,
Love makes you feel right and happy and secure, anything opposite it´s just a warning!.....

Answer 9

Honestly... go read the book, he's just not that into you. I dated a guy for different lengths of times three different times... he is older than me and he went through the same story you explained. I don't want to say this to hurt you but he is no way ready to committ and you are his comfort TOY... i say toy because if you were anything more than that he would show you. You have wasted enough time with him and you will only look back and say man i was dumb for wasting even one more day on him.. i wish i had the words to make it better but reading what you wrote i thought i was looking at my ex... we had a lot in common he was always sweet and nice and things would be good... but anytime i wanted to talk about the future he would back off, claim up... act like it was no big deal and he'd disappear for a week. then he'd come back and we'd go and hang out blah blah blah... same scenerio... I wish ya the best but i have a feeling you'll end up spending more time wishing things got better rather than moving on... But if i were you... i'd read the book i mentioned above it's a great book and it really helps you empower yourself to see that you deserve someone who will want what you want and not just say it but do it... Words are cheap and come easily, it's the actions that you rely on and his actions don't show me that's he serious about what he says or anything. Good luck

Answer 10

Give it sometime. He may be very out of sorts due to the last relationship. And may be avoiding spending time alone, he does not want to fall into bed with you. "smart man" this leads to feelings that he may not be ready for. Just simply be a bit patient, however, it things do not begin to move forward in a few months. I would say then you need to evaluate what you want to do. Have you ever been to his place? It does kind of sound as though he is married or in a relationship with someone... Good luck and God bless****

Answer 11

it sounds like he might have issues from his divorce. maybe the divorce ended on bad terms and that is why he is afraid to be alone with you. he has feeling for you and your dreams and goals might work together. but theres something going on in his head that he doesnt want to get too close. maybe he is afraid to get his heart broken again. he just doesnt know what he wants and doesnt want to lead you on. the drinks might have been the reason you have made out. maybe he enjoys the single life style and doesnt want any sort of commitment.
maybe the reason he wont let things go farther then the make out could be something personal that he might not be ready to discuss with you yet. maybe the age difference there is something going on down there and he doesnt want to be embarassed. i dont know.. this is a tough situation. i would ditch the guy personally. maybe go a week without phone calls or e-mails and see what he does. play it off like your too busy and see if he gets jelous and trys harder?


the only other thing of can think of is the age difference.