my teenager is tearing my heart out?

Question

my teenager has just turned 15 and i have found oud that she has had sex smoked bunked off school . im trying to understand her but find that when i try and talk to her she will not engage in a conversation with me to sort these issues out . I love my daughter but find she feels i dont. Had an argument with her because would not go to school after i let her go to a party on condition her father picked her up.I am a stirct parent with boundaries so all these revalations where quite a shock to me. By the way i went on her msn to find out what she is up to . Has someone got any solutiond to handling her. I have even started a parenting class to find ways to help tackle her. I have 3 sons and do not have all these issues with them. I was once very close to my daughter but find in the last 18 months she has done things i never thought she would the trust i had is gone.

Kicked her out last week because i had enough. She was with her father for about 10 days. Bunked off school yesterday and i found out and rang her up tosee where she was and she said she was on her way to school and got wet so decided not to go to school because the bus splashed her and her friend.Asked if she could move back in which i said yes and told her my rules were still in place . This morning i got her up for school and she had a bath got dressed told me she wants money dor a new bag, to which i replied no next thing she tells me she is not going to school until hersecond lesson because she does not like her maths tutor. Ive told her i cannot go through getting stressed every morning and have told her to move back with her dad. Problem is she has her first GCSE module in science tomorrow i dont want to be the reason she dosnt go to her exam.

Answer 1

Wait till she thinks it's mealtime, then when she sits down to eat, simply say "No food till we've had a nice long chat" - she might just choose to chat a while - and make sure you mean it ! ! !

Answer 2

Oh, I've got one of these too (15, year 10). Not the sex, but the foul moods and the attitude. I grit my teeth and try not to strangle her, mostly. And remind her and myself that I love her to bits, it's just some of the things she does that I can't stand. Actually, yours is doing everything I did at 17 and I know I drove my folks round the bend.

Have you told her how you feel about trusting her? There's no point blowing your top about the sex thing now; she's already done it. All I can suggest is that you sit her down and make sure she's up to speed on condoms etc. If it embarrasses the hell out of her, that's her tough luck.

I do notice with my daughter that her behaviour goes down the pan if she spends too much time online. The PC the kids use is downstairs, which helps limit excessive access to it. She went off on one last night over being made to finish homework before using it for MSN etc, and I pointed out that it's a privilege not a right. She knows that I can and will simply lock it down so she can't access MSN, Gaia etc exept when i say so. As son says, it's a bu99er having a mother that knows so much about technology.

I also know that part of our problem is that when she's at her Dad's for his 1/2 of the week, he is a lot more lax about this stuff and about bedtimes, chores etc, so that she comes back to me knackered, stressed over homework she's skipped, etc.

If you can get into her MSN on the sly, just set it to log her conversations if you're worried about what she's up to and with whom, but don't let on.

I think boys are easier - even though her 16yo bro is having a definite moment this afternoon.

Answer 3

Look, I know how it feels to be a teenager in these times. Being a teenager today is much harder than it was for you. Times have changed, and we are pressured more to grow up way too fast. You have to be sympathetic.

If you want to push her away, keep doing what you're doing! I cannot believe you went on her MSN. That's such a violation of privacy. It's very disrespectful on your part. Let's say your daughter thought you were cheating on her father and she read your letters and emails; wouldn't you be upset with her? She may be rebellious, but she does deserve your basic human respect. You do NOT go through other peoples' files/belongings without their permission. If she ever finds out, imagine the consequences: she will never trust you again. She won't feel that she can confide in you, and she will hold things inside and you will never know what she is thinking.

You need to handle this with respect and love. You may not be talking to her in the right way. Think about this: when you confront her, is your voice even the SLIGHTEST bit angry, resentful, condescending, or disrespectful? If it is, OF COURSE she won't listen to you. You need to speak with CONCERN and absolutely no anger. I know it's hard but it's hard for her too.

I'm no parenting expert, but I am a teenager, and I know that if my parents acted the way you do, I would shut them out, stop talking to them, and become even more rebellious than I was before.

I don't get it.
Do adults even remember what it
was like to be a teenager?

Answer 4

Firstly, going on to her msn was not a wise idea, trust me. Maybe she feels you don't love her because you broke her trust so how can you care? Although it's obvious that you care for her very much maybe it isn't to her because she feels you've betrayed her trust?

She's 15 and I know it must be a shock to find out those things but that's the age where you experiment and find out who you are and learn from your OWN mistakes.

She is being unreasonable with you, having an argument and not going to school because she got picked up from the party? That's kinda pathetic. But who's the parent here?

'to find ways to help tackle her' and 'solutions to handling her' (sorry had to correct you spelling mistake) what, is she a fish or something? Nope. She's a person. Just like you and you want to be treated with respect. Everyone has to earn respect (her most importantly) but also you. Compromise?

Good Luck

Answer 5

I wouldn't worry I know it is easier said than done you will probably find as my mum did the worse ones turn out the best like my self I gave my mum absolute hell I did all the above plus more and to be honest I have turned out fine and my mum and I are best friends now but what turned it round for me was when I met my husband and had my first child but I started been a ***** at around 15 till I was 18 my mum all most had a brake down and you don't need classes you are probably a great mum some times you just have to ride it out keep trying to talk to her and just be there for her and keep setting them boundary's and if she brakes them find a suitable punishment mine was been grounded but it didn't work but hang in there you will get through it and she well probably grow up lovely she has no chose she has a lovely caring mother like you

Answer 6

This is quite normal with tennage girls, they like to push the buttons of parent and as long as you continue with your boundaries things will improve. I was a nightmare child from the age of 13, i smoked, got drunk, was terrible in class and hated my parents but at the age of 16 i developed anorexia and had to stay home with my mum. As much as i hated this i got to enjoy our time together as she took me shopping which any girl loves! I am now best friends with my mum(now 23)! Continue to tell her off for these things but then try to have some girly time with her like shopping and just chat to her like she is an adult and don't mention these other things during the afternoon. Make sure this afternoon is about mother and daughter bonding. Can i also say, and i will probably get thumbs down for this but don't tell her off for having sex instead talk to her about this and ask her if she is using protection. I know you don't want your daughter having sex but the more you tell her no the more likely she will go against you! At least if you talk to her you can prevent her from pregnancy etc. I hope this helps x

Answer 7

i think going on her msn is a massive mistake, if my mum did that ( i am a teenager ) i would feel sooo angry and like i dont have any privacy. I would hate it. so please dont do that again x

It is kinda to do with what the person before me said but if im in trouble i discretley txt my mum and she will ring me and say something like : can u talk or are there people around ? and i will say ye or no

if i say no cos theres people around she wil just say ok well just answer yes or no, are you ok, do you want to come home etc.

that way i can tell her i need help or im in trouble or whatever without my mates knowing x

anyway good luck

Answer 8

im 15 .. if i found out that my mum went on my msn i wouldnt trust her again ... try taking her out shopping or away for the weekend and have a chat with her.... i dont really talk to my mum about stuff... i talk to my older sister or my cousin or mates but my older sister tells my mum sometimes....my mum takes me out and has chats with me i open up 2 her sometimes... but dont sit your daughter at the table and refuse 2 give her her food and make her talk she will probably storm out and go to a mates or something or go to her room...im sure she will tell u when she thinks the time is right...or maybe she thinks that your to strict and is scared to talk to you cause she thinks you will go madd or something maybe you should be free with her like have a laugh with her, act like her friend not a strict mum, my mum was quite strict she tried keeping me in the house,,, i climbed out the windows, stayed out all night without telling her where im going, done drugs (not anymore), Bunked School, done everything your daughter has done lol , argued with her all the time thats when i didnt tell her anything or get along with her as much as i used to but shes become less strict and i feel that i can tell her more stuff iv changed since then im more closer to my mum now i can acctually have a laugh with her without her being strict and going mad ....what are your boundaries?



Im not the same as your daugter but most teenagers go through the same kinda stage

maybe that hepled im not sure ...

Answer 9

You just have to ride it out ,i know its hard,Ive been there.All you can do is keep letting her know your there for her and that whatever she does you love her.Try to limit what you argue with her about you cant fight all the battles,some just arnt worth it and you will wear yourself out.Sit down with her(,i know its hard to even get them to do that bit)try and make some conditions,like yes you can go to the party but i will collect you from nearby at such and such a time. barter with her a bit to agree a time you both agree on.then if she dosent get up the next day tell her you are going to ring the school and someone will come out and collect her(some schools actually do this)ring the school and get them on side ,tell them the problems you are having.As for sex,ask her if she needs a Dr's appointment to go on the pill.Smoking you will not win,let her know if she is going to smoke you don't want to see her doing it,you will never buy them for her and you will not allow it in the house.If you cant get her on side for some things she will respect you more.its hard now but it gets better honest,usually when they hit 17,good luck.

Answer 10

My thoughts are with you.
You say you're strict but in my opinion you aren't strict at all. The fact that you allowed her to go to a party shows this (and msn too)
All teenagers go through this with their parents. The best you can do is to try & build bridges by talking to her more & listenening without being judgemental.
Suggest that you do things together where there's just you and her & she may open up to you but she won't if she thinks you'll jump down her throat.

Putting the computer in a public place in the house will help too

Answer 11

Give her time and freedom, but be responsible and loving. The bad things that she's done, it's probably just a phase. I'm 13, and my 15-year-old best friend sounds so much like your daughter. Don't try to pry information out of her, and please don't ever go on her msn again. She probably doesn't trust you anymore.