Am I the only woman in the world that feels "trapped" like this? Help! I'm so confused?

Question

this might be a little long, but very important to me and I desperately need help. Please nothing mean...just serious and heartfelt answers appreciated

My 44 year old husband is cheating on me (I'm 24 btw and wife #2 we have 3 young children under age 8) Problem is he won't admit it~ the cheating. And believe me, he is good (with deny deny deny) somedays he can make my head spin and I actually start to believe that I must be crazy/ delusional, sadly though I'm not and the feeling doesn't last long. I KNOW that he is. I guess I should say 98% sure (the only 2% thats missing {and keeping me here I guess} is that I have not seen him "do it" with my own 2 eyes), but EVERYTHING else is there including his past behavior (cheated on wife #1 multiple times and eventually left her for another woman..not me) His denial is whats driving me crazy, he even goes as far as denying things I have witnessed like him being somewhere or something he has told me. He denies anything and everything. con't

I love him and for 8 months (8 VERY LONG MISERABLE months) I have done anything I can think of to help him confess, including letting him know that I can find forgiveness ONCE (as I know I'm not perfect here, and I'm sure some things were missing in our relationship a while back). NOTHING will break the man I don't get it? I know guilt eats him alive... and aside from this issue he is great, seriously he is. He doesn't treat me bad (aside from this) and he obviously doesn't want out of our relationship because he goes to extremes to hide the affair from me. The other night is when I told him about forgiveness (and I already "know" so this is as bad as it gets... trust is already gone etc... so just be honest now) He didn't budge, he just denied. Funny thing is after work that night he comes home with something (x3) that I mentioned I would like. He does this ALL the time after I've begged for the truth. Guilt gifts I know, but doesn't that show that he cares and is scared?

ALSO, its more than sex because we do that everyday at least... sometimes twice or more and its awesome. (well not now I want to vomit when he comes near me the past couple days as everything is becoming brighter and brighter)

I think thats what hurts more... is it isn't only sex with who or what ever. Part of me desperately wants to leave and the other part desperately wants my husband back? I do everything I can to keep him happy, I'm attractive (so I'm told), I keep fit (you'd never know I gave birth to 3 kids in 8 years), I dress nice, smell nice, etc, etc.... I just don't get it and I'm devastated. I want my husband....

PS I didn't know the "history" with the ex wife until WAY AFTER i loved the man... he also fed me the line that he changed and learned the biggest lesson of his life since the gf he left wife for dumped him 21 months later... at his age I figured it was possible for him to change and take the lessons seriously.

SOME FEMALE: "It's a vagina not a clown car"
Thanks for clearing that up genius. Also, I don't believe my children were stupid decsions, infact they are probably the smartest thing I have ever decided to do. ESPECIALLY since they are the only thing keeping me going now... if it weren't for them I wouldn't even be able to get out of bed... Its quite obvious that you've never had your life open up and swallow you whole...when it does I hope you have children to keep you going. The woman in me is "dead", its the mother inside thats keeping me "alive" at this point.

For me, your advice (opinion rather) is obnoxious and not helpful at all. In other words, worthless. I apologize in advance to anyone reading my question/answers that have to lay their eyes on a response like tat one....

EVERYONE ELSE... thank you so much for your input. I'm so hurting right now, and I HATE to face the obvious.

Answer 1

The man is almost twice your age and a master manipulator. Really, he's old enough to be your father and you must have been looking for one when you married him. I'm not trying to be mean, that's just how I see it.
Your husband is a pro at cheating and making the woman feel crazy about suspecting it.
If you want this marriage to work, and with three small children under 8 I understand why you would, then you need to seek some counseling. If he won't go you need to go alone. He has you doubting your good sense and a therapist can help you sort yourself out.
I hope you can get him into counseling. Forget about him admitting the cheating. What good will that do you to get affirmation from him anyway? You both know that he is so how will him admitting it help you in any way? You think it will clear the air and he'll break down and cry and then pledge to stay faithful? Probably would, but remember he's a cheater and a liar. Spare yourself the drama.
Try counseling and then if that doesn't work, try a good attorney that will make sure this old dog pays for his tricks and supports his children.

Answer 2

Since this is his second time around at marriage and cheating too I guess then he has gotten better at not fessing up.
You are not the only one out there that has gone through this.
To confront anyone in a marriage whether you know it for sure or not will do no good till you have some sort of proof. Not being where he says he is, really is not proof that he is cheating.
I know a woman can feel these things and know when her man is playing around but you have to get some sort of proof to make him fess up!
I checked out my mans billfold, his car, his little hiding places, his pockets, etc. I found a motel ticket in his coat pocket finally. That is how I confronted him.
You have small children and are you sure you want to know the truth? Will you forgive him when he fesses up? You better think about all of this before finding out the truth and confronting him with it. Are you able to live without him financially? All of these things you should think about and be prepared for.
You may check him out by following him or knowing where he may be at a certain time. Sometimes other people see them places too. I finally caught mine at a bar with this woman too and this was after the motel thing and we were trying to work it out.
I am sorry you are so troubled and I know how you feel. Having small children really makes it a lot worse for you.
I just hope I have helped a little bit.

Answer 3

I might just say that you are between a rock and a hard place if you have no income of your own shall you want out of your marriage. I think that you should get rid of your husband. He sounds like bad news. Cheaters never prosper they say and you are a victim. I have cheated before in previous marriages. Then I grew up found my soulmate and grew a lot closer to God. I try to live a good clean life and I don't even consider looking at other women now. So the old cliche' of "once a cheater, always a cheater" is not true. I am living proof. Doesn't mean your husband will stop but he could if he chose to and wanted to.) I can see why you would want to vomit. Do you really want to go on living like this? You are a very smart woman and know what to do. I know it's tuff to seperate and divorce. So you have two options. Make it the right one and the one you can live with. (smile)

Answer 4

This isn't healthy. You know this. Just because you have kids together, it doesn't mean you must stay in an unhappy marriage.

Do you have somewhere you can go? Your parents' house, perhaps? You must get away from this. It is making you unhappy. You don't need physical proof to tell you what your heart already knows about this man. A woman's gut instinct can be pretty reliable. Trust your instincts here. You know the score.

Take your lovely children and start a new life on your own. You can do this. You have your whole life ahead of you. You aren't trapped.

*edit* - to 'some female', the answerer above me, you are a heartless b*tch. Just so you know.. shame on you.

Answer 5

I am curious as to why you would marry a man that you know cheated on his first wife? Your husband is cheating....do you feel "trapped" because you have nowhere to go or a way to take car of yourself and your children? If I were you I sure would find a way.....Staying with someone who treats you this way is harmful to you and your children.....

Unless you demand change...He is going to continue with his cheating ways and you will be his little door mat....Have some more self respect and self esteem for yourself...
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The age difference between you and your husband isn't an issue...so SomeFemale has no clue what she is talking about....

You will most likely wait until Hell freezes over before you get a confession out of your husband...You know in your heart, head and gut that he is being unfaithful....Please don't waste anymore time trying to get him to own up to what he is doing....Make a decision about your own life....and do what is best for you and your children...but don't settle for a man that only gives you a part of himself....You deserve all of him!

Answer 6

You feel torn, not trapped. You feel torn because you want to forgive and work on the marriage, but that will take him being honest (are you really that sure he's cheating? maybe you need to hire a private eye?). One person alone can't work on a marriage, and you being perfect in every way can't change his behavior if he doesn't want to change. He must be getting something from his cheating, and perhaps it is the 'thrill?'. Some people with high IQ's don't seem to be satisfied with the 'normal' stuff the rest of us are, they are thrill seekers, and perhaps this is the case with your hubby.

So you have to decide if you want to stay and accept how he is being and work around/with it for the sake of the children. Or you have to decide if you want something different, and follow through with that choice.

Good Luck.

Answer 7

To be honest it's easy to say divorce but finances and the kids well being is at stake. To be honest because of the kids I think you should get proof before you do anything. Since his cheating does not seem to be a one time thing you should be able to get proof, then if you leave him you won't have regrets.

I just think you would feel horrible putting your kids thorough that without some solid evidence. Normally I am against invasion of privacy, but some options I would consider are

1) Hiring a private detective for a week or something to that effect.
2) Getting a key logger and checking his emails etc.
3) If you are joint on accounts or Visa's or statements get mailed to your house check them for weird expenses.

As I said these are all invasion of privacy techniques which should only be used if your at the point where your going to divorce him over it.

Answer 8

Sorry thisisme, I was trying to give you a "thumbs up" but hit the wrong button. Cant change it.
Anyway sounds like he is loser, and the others are right. Your only option is divorce. It is not healthy for you to stay in this relationship. I once left an ex because he was cheating. He refused to admit to it, but I knew. So he wouldnt leave because he insisted he wasn't cheating!! lol I ended up telling him, it was because I didnt feel the same way about him anymore. He accepted that and left. Really, you need to leave, the sooner the better.
Men who can make you believe things like you are delusional and you are the one who is actually in the wrong are abusers in their own form.

Answer 9

Sorry to hear this it must be hard on you and the kids, not only does he cheat but he's a liar too. If I were you ,..get a lawyer, and get the papers filed, do not make up excuses why you shouldn't do this if you are this unhappy. If you want to talk email me I just got divorced after 33 years, I do not know it all but for what I paid for this divorce and the knowledge I walked away with I'd like to share what I know and yes it varies from state to state on the laws.

Answer 10

My heart is breaking for you because you seem to think if he confesses that something magical will happen. He well never fess up and even if by some slim chance he does, he is still a cheater and lair, but you knew that when you married him huh? My advise is to leave the guy and make a better life for you and your three children, things at home are never going to change. Good luck...