Can it get better? Or is it justified to call it quits?

Question

Recently I have been feeling overly sensitive over major situations as well as trivial ones as well. My husband took on a new position about a year ago and it has basically comsumed him. IT occupies his time at the office (of course) and at home as well. If he isn't doing something work-related, he is occupying his time with other things that certainly do not involve us (myself and my two small children) I try to be understanding and make sure everything is going accordingly. I tend to hold it all in and then myself crying hysterically, and whats worse is that he doesn't comfort me. He says he wants us to be friends again (we have been together 8 years since we were 17) yet, he doesn't treat me like a friend. I have even been extremely upset and have practically had to beg him just to give me a hug (reassurance I suppose) so that I know he still has a sypathetic bone in his body for me. He just seems more focused on his career and I'm wondering if I should just let him go?? :(

Answer 1

How about taking the initutive and making a dinner reservation or getting tickets for a concert or for something you both enjoy - get a babysitter and go out with that husband of yours. And if you wish to do something as a family, make those plans also. He is getting into a habit of working hard and then when he is not working, relaxing and not involving his family. He is losing touch with the most important people in his life, his family.

He obviously does want to be your lover, your friend, your confidante; but doesn't know how to get back to that place. He most likely is frustrated when you cry and doesn't know how to react to it. None of this is 100% his fault or 100% your fault; each person is responsibe for their part in a marriage.

Ambition is fine, but you two (and the family) must have fun together; he is missing out on so much and will regret it in later years. So stop the crying - be strong and take some action and get him involved. Do you ever do the little things you once did at the beginning of your relationship like calling to just say hi; giving him a big hug - complimenting him - letting him know how much you appreciate his hard work - and when you do talk with him - please - don't be on the offensive or defensive. Simply tell him how you feel; that it is your feelings and even if they are not the truth in a matter, you must state how you feel so you both can discuss it.
Reconnect - re-romance and get some fun back in your lives.

Answer 2

My advice. Tell him that you miss him. Try not to have tears or use guilt. Don't mention the kids or the work or the house or the money or anything else. Just look him in the eye, when you know you have his attention and simply say, "I miss you". From that moment on, you will get an idea.

Come at it from a place of calmness. You are just expressing the thought, telling him how you feel with no expectations of his reply or his actions afterwards. Very simple....I miss you. Let him think about it. If he doesn't reply or give an appropriate reply....do not worry or panic. Give him time...it may take a while for him to hear it or know what he feels and thinks.

Then you will know...you expressed yourself and he heard you. It may be that he is so obsessed with work that you might have to do it again. Some people need to hear things three times to really "hear" it. Of course, you don't want to spend the rest of your life telling him that, but I'm sure you want to give it a little effort in making sure you expressed yourself too.

I hope that helps.

Answer 3

Bring it up to him. Don't attack him but DO have an open discussion about how it's hurting your marriage. Being married to your job isn't as much of a deal breaker as other things that could be taking up his time and maybe he just isn't aware that being present isn't being THERE for you and the kiddos. If you talk to him and things dont change after a while, then start thinking seriously about a seperation to give you both time to put your priorities back in order. My best estimation is that this is a new development brought on by a promotion, a promised promotion, or even a new job entirely. He wants to put his best face forward at work and it's making your home life suffer. So talk to him about it, see if you can't find a mutual ground.

Answer 4

it is not an easy answer, do you still love him? Is being with him still the most important thing to you? Is it possible that time will heal this problem? you need to tell him, without blaming him that you feel alone and not part of his life. If he wants to make it work but still feels like he has to put in so much time at work find something to do that makes you happy, a solid relationship can withstand some away time, but if you and him together are no longer his priority let him go, your kids deserve better!

Answer 5

Your husband may not understand the female psyche very well (I noticed that you said he was 25 right?).

If a guy sees another guy upset, they just leave him alone. However, guys have to be taught that this approach doesn't work on wormen.

You need to sit down with him and communicate your feelings. Try to let him know what you need and how you understand "showing love".

It sounds like you both would benefit from marriage counseling. If you're worried about him not wanting to commit to it, tell him it's for your "hysterical crying" and you want to get a handle on it. Tell him you need him there to help you with it.

Answer 6

i have the same thing going on in my life right now i basically told him the way i was feeling and i let him know if u can't make time for me but u can have plenty of time for ur job and other stuff but not me i told him if u can't do both then let me go cause he will lose me by not spending any time with me or showing me any affection two things u can do stay and put up with it or let him know how u are really feeling and if nothing changes with him then maybe its time to do u move on cause when u are not getting what u need at home u will find it some where else*

Answer 7

Divorce is such a sad choice to make. I know it seems bleak at the moment, but marriage is supposed to be permanent and this is just a temporary issue. Does he not miss you at all? People can get carried away in their pursuit of status material gain but sooner or later he will realize that he needs not chase it any longer and will turn back to you.

Answer 8

He's putting his job ahead of his family, when it should be the other way around. This isn;t uncommon for young people who get promotions like that. Show him this email, and don't let a little bump like this scare you. Tell him I said he needs a new hobby- working with you to build a life.

Answer 9

Don't let him go, Just let him know how serious this is. When your in a relationship for this long ,things that you need tend to go on the back burner. Ask him if he could just give you and his kids a little more of his time ...

Answer 10

...Oh dear, I know that you may not want to hear this. Yes, you need to let him go. IF a person feels deep love for a wife or husband when they see them in pain and crying they immediatly do anything to take that persons hurt and pain away from them. It hurts them to see you cry. Are you sure that all of the time "he is at work", he is actually at work. I know that it is a lot of time behind you and that leaving is going to be hard since you will be leaving your comfort zone, but do you want to spend the rest of your time unhappy in tears or find someone who will love you the way that you want and desearve to be loved. I hope you find happiness in what every you deside. Let me tell you, it is not worth staying in a relationship becuase of the past and the comfort . It will only damage you. Good luck..