To have and to want, The wife and the lover?

Question

My wife loves me very much. She says her soul is satisfied, but doesn't need to be physical as much. My wife satisfies my soul, but not my physical needs. Recently I've met a woman who is in a similar situation with her husband. Neither of us want to leave our spouses, but the physical attraction we have toward each other is so strong, that we feel the pain of loneliness when we are apart. Why is it wrong to satisfy our souls, but not give in to our physical desires without the reprocussion of guilt?

Thank you for answers, your input was greatly appreciated. To those of who consider it cheating, save this question. When you have given a spouse everything they need and want, ask yourself if 4 times a year is working for you?

Answer 1

I think you are asking an honest question and that you do love our wife very much. The problem lies within her and she is pushing you to find someone else when she is unwilling to share a very important part of marriage with you.

I'd be honest with her and tell her that you are finding yourself attracted sexually to someone else; that you really don't wish to go down that road; you'd much rather turn to her; your partner to meet your needs. Then it is up to her to make the decision to be a marriage partner in every sense or to push you even further apart from her. I think 4 times a year is not acceptable for any one. And no one should call you anything but being honest, at this point.

Answer 2

The question you have to ask your self is, "how much do I love my wife"? You know she loves you very much, so that would imply that she would be very willing to listen to you. Obviously your needs aren't being met on a physical level, so you need to tell her and try to work through this, before you cheat on her. When you cheat on someone you love, you not only hurt your relationship but you hurt the person you cheated on.

We always hurt the people we love the most...the most! Usually when infidelity occurs it is caused by someones needs not being met.

Most men, but not all... the need for sex is the most important need to be met. Where as most women, but not all... tend to have a strong need for affection. Are you showing your wife enough affection? Remember back to the days when you first met and started dating. What were you like? Did you write her love notes all the time? Or did you send her flowers and candy? Remember how you would just get lost in her eyes and could think of no one else. Try to give your wife more affection and I'm sure sex will be an ending result. We are all human and each of us desires different things from our partners. The key to making a successful marriage is learning to always fulfill your partners needs over your own. Typically in a loving relationship what comes around goes around, and if you desire sex...then give your wife a ton of affection and tell her how you feel. Be honest, before you ruin things. I hope this helps.

Answer 3

Okay, I am going to answer this one even though this is my wife's screen name. I am about to graduate this May 08 with a BA is psych and a minor in phil. I'm also going to grad school to get a MA in MFT, so you are in luck on getting an answer to your question. In case you want to know my GPA in terms of thinking, what does he know? It's 3.86 and I go to SJSU. Also, in terms of experience, I’m 34, I have gone through a divorce once, and I also know what it is like to cheat and to be cheated on as well, and I know what it is like to have a successful marriage. So, here is the answer to your question. Most romantic relationships begin in a highly elevated emotional and physical way, and after time goes by, we begin to level out. This seems typical for our culture. But, the emotional attachment deepens and our love matures and becomes stronger with time. For some, a lot of people do not get this blessing with marriage, and there is some kind of frustration that occurs over time (we do not get what 'we' want). As a result, some people stray and this selfish frustration becomes our motivation and we use it to excuse our behavior. This is when love becomes ‘choice’ in the relationship. Love is more then satisfying your own personal interests. Love becomes a choice and it is up to you to choose to love your partner by not breaking a vow, for better or for wors? Your line of thinking is nothing more than a rationalization and is not philosophically valid, and your choice of words such as ‘soul’ and 'physical needs' does not soften the infidelity. So, here is the bottom line. You have a choice to make. You can choose to love your partner and work it out, or you have a choice to be with this other person. Unless you are all swingers, reality dictates that you cannot have both without someone suffering from it, including yourself. Eventually someone will get hurt and lives will be damaged. Love does not hurt and does not damage. So, if it is not love you are partaking of, then it must be nothing more than selfish lust. Do yourself a favor, and stop lying to yourself, stop hurting others, and grow up and be a man and just get your act together. I’m not sure why you would want to make this part of your life public. Anyone who has their moral head on straight would be ashamed to do so. Psychology would say you are looking for someone to validate your reasoning. That is only one reason. I won't list the others. Sorry, but your argument is not a good one and is self-defeating behavior, and serves no good purpose. It’s your life and your choice, so I hope you make the right decision for yourself while considering the person you made a vow to. You are only hurting yourself in the end. And, you just because you have a right to make a choice, it does not give you the right to hurt someone else by doing it. You are using your freedom of speech to yell fire in a crowed theater. Our cultur does not allow for this, neither does this culture allow for you to do what you are doing. Thus, you are not being a good citizen and role model for others. The ball is always in your court. Play well.

Answer 4

I agree with the first poster... it's CHEATING. If you are unhappy with your wife in any aspect, and it's driving you to want to be with another woman to satisfy you physically...then have the decency to leave your spouse before you take up with anyone else!

Remember.. Karma will get you in the end!

LOL!!! If you're going to complain about anything, it means you are unhappy. Well, if you're so unhappy that you want someone else to fulfill every need you have, then you get out of your marriage first...THEN you can move on to find that one perfect person that's going to satisfy you more than four times a year.

IT IS CHEATING. I don't care how much you try to talk yourself into the fact that it's "okay" because you're only getting it four times a year after you put your "heart and soul" into this person. If you're unhappy...find resolution, but do it the proper way.

Answer 5

Let's get right down to it. What happens at a wedding? You agree, in front of everyone you know and "God" if you believe in that, that you won't cheat on your future spouse. That's the WHOLE THING. Love and commitment and everything else, sure, but it comes down to NOT CHEATING. If you can't control your physical desires, I suggest you find a way to boost your wife's sex drive, get over it and love your wife for the woman she is, or get a divorce and satisfy yourself physically. Pick one. There is no grey area here.

Answer 6

You're in a complicated situation. I do feel for guys like you. You married your wife in good faith. You love her and she loves you. You agreed to monogamy, but what you in fact end up with is celibacy - and that was not in your vows!

So you are put in the position of either cheating on your wife, or forcing yourself on her when she is just not into the physical side of love as much as you are.

I'm wondering about your girlfriend's husband, though. Does her husband have some medical problem? My real question to you is, how do you know her husband is really not as physicallly interested as she is? She might be feeding you a line.

As far as your situation goes, if you are being honest about your wife's lack of interest and not just looking for an excuse to amuse yourself elsewhere, you really have two choices.

You can continue to go behind your wife's back with the other woman, which is possible, if you can deal with the guilt. Millions of people do it, all over the world. It's what keeps a lot of marriages of convenience and passionless affection together.,

Or, you can be honest with your wife. Tell her that you are so physically frustrated that you are seriously considering a physical relationship with another woman. See what her reaction is. She might surprise you and say she understands. If she freaks out, then tell her that the current situation is just not fair to you, and if she wants you to remain faithful, she is going to have to accept more physical contact, or you are going to have to consider the possibility of separation. It's the honest and fair thing to do, and it's also painful, but so is what you are doing now. It comes down to a choice of what sort of pain you can live with.

Answer 7

It is not wrong - just a very dangerous game to play. I was in the exact situation - my husband was not physical at all with me - so I searched it out and found a man who was extremely physical - also married.

We played the physical game for nearly 5 months 2-3 times per week - 5-10 phone calls per day - hundreds of emails etc. -- We both lied about business trips we were on so we could vacation together where we officially "fell in love" . It was the most amazing time in my life.

After our secret rendezvous on vacation we came home to our spouses and within 24 hours of being home from vaca we both packed our bags and left our families to be together. This lasted almost 3 whole weeks!!!

Now we are picking up the pieces of our broken families and broken lives ---- Final word - it sounds so good before you do it and in the beginning it is good - but if you get involved too deep - only disappointment will be the outcome!

Answer 8

Just because your a little bored with your marriage doesnt make it ok to go and cheat on your wife, this other woman with whom you claim to be so attracted to will in time bore you also, for now she is like a new toy to you, but soon she will be just like your wife. Its not fair nor is it proper behavior for a married man to be thinking about cheating, you should feel guilt and you should stop with your imature so called feelings of desire for this other woman and turn em around and put these desires towards your wife, shes the one you vowed to spend the rest of your life with, shes the one who will have your back when you need her! Maybe you should go seek therapy? because I believe that you are reacting on sexual desire and not using your brain, which in turn will eventually cause major destruction and bring unwanted drama to your life, so chalk your feelings up to nothing more then boredom which can easily be fixed, so think about taken care of your marriage and not your sex life!

Answer 9

Soul has nothing to do with physical desires. The question reminds of a cheater who would justify his action by bringing in soul that he has no concept of and yet he has the guts to throw dust into the eyes of others, and the guilt he talks of never resides in him.

Answer 10

Speaking to your wife about the lack of fulfillment you have is the route you should take. Give her an honest opportunity to fill that need for you. The loneliness you feel is an issue and should be addressed by both of you, together.

Engaging in any type of intimate relationship outside of your marriage will damage it. There will be a loss of trust, feelings of rejection and discord.

Don't kid yourself, there is no innocent affair.