Husband cheated....?

Question

We are coming up to the holidays and I know it isn't going to be easy.

My husband cheated on me with a prositute over the summer. We are trying to work things out. We have been tested for STDs. We are going to church and are in counseling (seperate and together- with the same counselors).

I have been dealing with images and thoughts in my head.

Example: I can be driving and it will pop in my head. I will think about him with her (I know the details) and wonder why. I question what he was wearing and want to get rid of those clothes. I ask myself questions about what lead him to do it. My biggest thing is thinking of the two of them together in that hotel room.
I'm thinking about it more lately.
My question is How do I deal with all of this with the holidays and the fact that no one knows about our problem?

Thank you for your advice.

The counseling is through church. He sees one and I see another, then when we do couples counseling all 4 of us are together.

As for my family or friends knowing, I went to someone that WAS my best friend. She is nolonger talking to me because I want to work things out. My family doesn't live here, so they don't see us all that much. My family would say to leave him and that wouldn't help me. I know because it happened in my first marrage.

Answer 1

oh sweetie i have no clue and no advice, its really not fair that he got to have the "fun" and you are having to deal with all the pain from it. You obviously love him, so pray and talk to GOD often, i don't know that i could have stayed with him, but you are trying and i wish you the best

Answer 2

Well I'm sure that this has hurt you deeply, for 1 thing he should have never felt bad about it and told you about it, I would have never have admitted it, he was a fool telling on himself, I bet he will know better the next time, I can't believe that someone would be so stupid to tell their wife that they done that let alone what they did, Dam* what an idiot !!! counselling is a waste of money, talking about your problems won't make them go away, they are robbing you blind on their fees, I'm sure it is hard to have to deal with it, but either accept it and go on or get a divorce, which ever will make you feel better, I see these women have made boo hooo's on here about the same thing,, I'm not trying to be mean this is just plain facts !!!

Adding to what I first said,,,,
I have thought alot about you and this situation since I made my first reply to your question,Ok I see that your cousling is through a church, well Honey they ain't going to be able to do anything for you that you can't do for yourself, they are not going to tell you straight facts like I will, they will coushion the facts and let you tell them all about this, there is nothing that they can do but BS you, all they are going to do is pick your mind and tell you things that you want to hear, they are going to fluff the situation, they won't be honest because they will be afraid that they will hurt your feelings, I work behind the scenes at a chrrch and they are real people to, they are not God, first of all the old saying is what you don't know won't hurt you, this is very true, the idiot shouldn't have never told you in the first place, let alone the details, you will never forget this you mise well move on, because if you and him have sex it will come to you all over again, it's really not that big a deal, people are always looking for something new and exciding, so don't blame yourself, it's only human, it's done and over, it's not your family's problem or your friends problem or anyone else's for that matter, they will only say well if it was me I'd do this or I'd do that, well it's not them, !!!!!!!!!

Answer 3

You are still healing and feeling much pain. Yeah - those images we tend to play in our head of the two of them; that is what last the longest and is the hardest to deal with. When you start thinking of those images try replacing them with happier ones that you have had recently; like how he looked at you with adoration; how much you enjoyed his kiss; the love you two truly have for each other.

Hey, if you want to get out some of the anger, let him know how you feel. Or you can send me a chat or email anytime; I'll be glad to help you over the 'rough times'. Don't let this one incident ruin your love for each other; he is the one who had the affair - not you. Sometimes it is very hard to love someone; especially after something as devistating as this. But if you do wish to make a new start, you will have to leave this behind you; in the past where it belongs. You will find that the images will disappear, in time. As he earns your trust back, the affair will become a distant memory; something you will view as a hurdle you and he were able to overcome. It was not right of him to do so, but we are humans; flesh and blood and sometimes are very weak and stupid and foolish.

It will take time; a good year or so, for those images to fade away and if you allow yourself to dwell on them; it could take longer. You can't change any of it; nor can he. If your love is strong for each other, you can be victorious and go on to live a wonderful, loyal and caring life. Just never ever take each other for granted; and turn to each other with your problems, no matter what they are; not away from each other.

Answer 4

What ever you do, do NOT let him box you in and tell you that you should be over this by now. Healing takes as long as it takes. If burning some clothes helps, burn 'em! Make him change after-shave, or soap, and pick out something brand new that will be just for the two of you.

You mentioned that nobody knows about this aside from your counselor WHICH YOU SHARE!!! First you share your man with a whore and now you share the same coulselor! I can see it for the couples part, but you need somebody on your side that you can totally unload on because it sounds like you're not getting any relief now.

Why haven't you talked to your Mom/Sister/Best friend? Are you protecting him? Making sure everybody knows that you have a perfect marriage? Honey, you would be shocked to know that they probably already know, or at least suspect. If they care at all about you, they will have noticed the change in your behavior and are being polite enough to wait for you to speak up. You are going to make yourself sick if you don't find somebody to agree with you that he is a scum sucking, bottom dweller, and help you put pins in his voo-doo doll. Stop torturing yourself with all the play-by-plays.

What would lead him to do this? Surely he hasn't laid that at your feet! You can have the best sex on the planet, have the hottest body, yada, yada, yada; and if he wants to cheat he will. This is all about him, and the fact that it's biologically impossible for a man to have blood in both "heads" at the same time. Translation: He WASN'T thinking about you at the time...that's the problem.

And finally; you need to sit down with your husband. One on one and be gut level honest with him and tell him how bad this is screwing with you. You are emotionally cheating on him by not sharing with him. Let him know that he is responsible for the pain you are in so he is responsible to help you feel safe & cherished and honored.

Answer 5

There is no easy answer to this question. Mine messed around and I found out, I wanted him gone. Those thoughts come and go when you are alone or together. If a song or movie comes on about cheating a red hot rage would come over me and I would start a fight. If he was gone longer than I thought was necessary I would blow his cell up until he called me back and then question the hell out of him. You will feel all those things and sex it was 1 year before we had sex again I couldn't stand the thought he used his thing with her. The holidays when it was supposed to be about family was a very forced event the Merry Christmas was like a cold wind blowing over me when he said it. Everything changed when he did what he did no matter how much I wanted them to be like it was before he cheated..

Answer 6

oh my goodness, I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this at holiday time.
umm, the best thing I can tell you is to keep going to counceling, and at some point should you descide it just isnt going to work out for you and your hubby, then at least go for yourself.
I have been with a cheating husband in the past, and it wasnt easy to deal with at all. I am no longer married to him because I couldnt deal with it,but for yourself, here are some things to think about and or do.
1) talk to your husband, ask him what brought him to do something like that, and tell him how you feel..
communication is the key !
2)ask yourself if you are ever going to be able to get over it ?
3)ask yourself - do I trust him ?

time heals all wounds and your going to have to give yourself time. the only true way to get over it, is to forgive him for what he did.
it doesnt matter if you stay with him and work things out or move on in a seperate life, inorder for you to move on and be free from it, your going to have to forgive him.
Because it still haunts you and upsets you, it brings me to believe that there are some other things going on and or that you cant trust him...
trust and communication are what makes a relationship work !
Ithe two sorta go together hand in hand, and if you have one but not the other then things are lopsided and just dont work like they should...
if there is no trust - it wont work !!
give yourself time, talk to your husband, keep going to counceling, and reflect on the situation yourself, and figure out if you truly can move ahead with this marrage
chances are during this holiday season you will have a real hard time dealing with it, and will probably end up in tears, I know I would, but thats ok, a trusted family member or friend will give you someone else to talk with and someone else there for support

Answer 7

I am sorry to hear that this happened to you. It's not easy - what you're going through. I think you need to be honest and decide if you can forgive him or not. Make a decision and if you are to forgive him, then pray for God to give you the strength to forgive him.

In addition, you should also find out why he decided to cheat on you. I suspect you also feel shameful for what he did and wonder why he chose a prostitute over you. Do not let the enemy get you down and doubt yourself. You have done nothing wrong so don't feel shameful. Find out why he did it and decide if it is something you can (and are willing to) change to make your husband NOT want to step outside of your marriage again.

Best of luck!

Answer 8

The only thing I can say is forgive and forget ONCE. People make a few serious mistakes in life. That being said if it occurs again - time to move. YOu are hurt and your reaction is normal. Give it time and try to keep really busy mentally. I know it must be hard but you have to move on.

Answer 9

Can you find time to get away and do something without him? Like spend more time with friends? At least to get through the holidays. You're a better woman than me....once I had found that out I would've been to the attorney's office the next day....I can't forgive anything like that.

Answer 10

when that happeds you never get it out of yor mind this i know for a fact you i truley feel sorry for not for no points at all i went throught this with my now .ex. wife. she was doing the same as him but in my own home while i wasaway for your own sanity dont ever give up or in you are beter than that my honest opion?