The Kiss of Death
Her world is not normal. It is only roughly stitched into the real world. The light of it never fades from her eyes, but once when she awoke from that dream. She arose from the shadow of that dark world, to the light of the wisdom of life. Her life which once faded and shriveled is now whole. It wasn't her fault that she was to be outcaste into the sleep of death that had become her world, but that of a drunken boy who disappeared from this life all together. She was the lucky one who saw the light again.
This is a flash fiction piece that I wrote in a workshop, so what is you opinion of it and what do you think it is about. If it is bad just write bad, I mean come on I really don’t care just be truthful. Type 454545 if you read this, Thanks.
2007-11-16 11:06:04 · 9 answers · asked by LoveToSing 4 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
also i am only a teen, so yah its not a piece of art lol
2007-11-16 11:07:49 · update #1
umm, yah you right it is about a girl in a coma. :)
2007-11-16 11:20:22 · update #2
454545
It was confusing!!!!!!!
I think it's about a girl in a coma, but that's about all I can come up with. Will you tell us?
2007-11-16 11:10:16 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
454545
Very well done. I liked it. You're missing a few words here and there, and also a few commas here and there. Overall, if I were to publish flash fiction, I would choose this one after the edits were made. The only other comment I have for you is that the title doesn't fit the story. How about something like:
A Brush With Death.
Read both YOURS and MINE and see the difference. A girl who is hit by a young drunk driver I believe. Right? I give you no lip service here, it's nicely done.
Yours:
The Kiss of Death
Her world is not normal. It is only roughly stitched into the real world. The light of it never fades from her eyes, but once when she awoke from that dream. She arose from the shadow of that dark world, to the light of the wisdom of life. Her life which once faded and shriveled is now whole. It wasn't her fault that she was to be outcast into the sleep of death that had become her world, but that of a drunken boy who disappeared from this life all together. She was the lucky one who saw the light again.
Mine:
The Kiss of Death
Her world is not normal. It is only roughly stitched into the real world. The light of it never faded from her eyes, except for one time when she awoke from the dream.
She rose from the shadow of that dark world, to the light of the wisdom of life. Her life, which was once faded and shriveled, is now whole. It wasn't her fault that she was to be outcast into the sleep of death, but that of a drunken boy who disappeared from this life all together.
She was the lucky one to have seen the light once again.
2007-11-16 12:57:41 · answer #2 · answered by pj m 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
454545
needs heavy work... i don't mean to criticize, but you should do a major revision. I like the overall feeling and theme, but the execution needs work.
Specifically, third sentence is badly structured. The meaning gets across, but there are just easier ways to say it. Don't try to convolute your sentence structure because it seems more "artsy". Just write.
The second half of the piece is very... dramatic. It starts out very simple, elegant, pronounced and delicate, and then it changes completely. I think a lot of it has to do with how blunt you were in the reasoning for her "sleep". Not that there shouldn't be an explanation. Just try to make it more... abstract.
All poetry is METAPHOR! Never forget that. If you're simply describing something, you've missed the point.
Good luck and keep with it! You have a powerful voice!
(if you want to share more, email me at cainskiller@gmail.com. I love original works!)
2007-11-16 11:17:46 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't know what 454545 means, but I liked it, until I read the part of the drunken boy who disappeared. That confused me.
You seem to have a descriptive flair for writing, which, I suspect, will only improve over time. You are lucky to have such a talent. Please don't let it go undeveloped.
2007-11-16 11:16:53 · answer #4 · answered by Juanitaville 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
454545
Your story has strong merit. Work more with it and smooth out the edges that could be eliminated.
It may be too lengthy for most flashfiction submissions.
2007-11-16 11:17:27 · answer #5 · answered by Guitarpicker 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I like the second sentence--cool image. But I really don't know what you're on about, sorry.
2007-11-16 11:11:36 · answer #6 · answered by Goddess of Grammar 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
454545
ok i like it alot umm missing a bit soo just work on it
but i like it
its good
2007-11-16 11:11:30 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
454545
I like it, it was sort of confusing. But I get it.
2007-11-16 11:13:48 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
454545 I liked it it was very good.
2007-11-16 11:11:30 · answer #9 · answered by oceanblue 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋