Am i being unreasonable and selfish or is this just stupid?

Question

My husband and I got married in August. We are both 25. For work, he does summer sales and makes about $60-80,000 in one summer but he's gone from the end of April-end of August. The rest of the year he goes to school and works part time. I have a good job with benefits and 401k and all of that and I make about 50k a yr. This year, his company offered to let him go out Jan-Apr and he would like to do that. But he wants me to quit my job to go with him. I think that is stupid. He makes more than me but his job doesn't have benefits or anything like that for our future. Plus, this is the last year he is doing sales like this. He says I can always get another job and he expects me to quit so I can move to another state with him for 4 months while he is in mtgs from 9-noon then selling all day until 9 or 10. This is really causing some major fights. I feel lucky to have this job

Am I being unreasonable here? Of course I will miss him but it just doesn't seem to make sense.

I am trying to compromise and will fly down every weekend to see him, but that's not enough for him.

Also, we live in a college town (lots of guys) and he once made snide comments about me being unfaithful while he's gone. He apologized and hasn't brought it up again but it makes me wonder if he has trust issues while he's gone? Which is ludicrous... I just don't know what to do.

THIS IS TEMPORARY. He will only be gone for 4 months and then he won't be going out like this again. He's done this for the past few years while we were dating.

It's not even so much that I love my job, it just offers a lot of security and good benefits for both of us.

Answer 1

My first impression or thought I guess was that you are ridiculous to bring such a problem to this site. This is something that only you and your husband should discuss with no outside feedback or influence. But then I figured that you are really backed up against a wall and just don't know what to do. So I tried to put myself and my wife in your places. I think that it just as you say, "stupid". If you have a great job with benefits and really decent pay, and this is to be his last "gig" with the big bucks job, he really should listen to you and do it your way. He really needs to trust you around the college town as well. If you two don't have trust, it don't matter where he or you or both of you go. You could cheat in any town or city. He really needs to get rid of that insecurity and the insecurity of you not being with him in the other town he wants to move to. And then you will only see each other a couple hours a day, which is better than not at all but it is ridiculous. Like you say, you can fly down every week, and keep your good job which you are lucky and blessed to have. You two are only 25 but time really does fly by and before you know it you two will be back together and he will go to school and you will still have your job. Being apart for newlyweds is really tough but help him to think of the positive stuff. Lonliness makes the heart grow fonder and that is not just a saying. I hope this helps and doesn't offend you. I really did put a lot of thought into this in order to give you some older people advise....(smile)

Answer 2

I think you are thinking logically and rationally. You offered a compromise, which is admirable. I can't think of anything unfair or wrong about what you think should happen. Especially the flying down to see him on the weekends...that should be a good way to keep the marriage close and connected for those 4 months. If it was permanent I would say go with him but it's temporary and there's no good reason for you to pack up and leave everything for 4 months, only to come back and have to start all over with a new job and home.

Answer 3

I don't think it would be smart to give up a good job just to move for 4 months and come back. If your husband was moving there for a couple years, or for good, then yes I would give up that job, but for 4 months? Definitely not.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. Also the fact that you're willing to compromise and fly down there every weekend says that you do care about him and your relationship, and that should be good enough for him. If anything, I think you're being very responsible for thinking about the benefits your job gives the both of you, as well as the extra income.

Answer 4

"Also, we live in a college town (lots of guys) and he once made snide comments about me being unfaithful while he's gone"

I am willing to bet that this one thing is the cause of all his frustration. Add that to the newly wed status, and he is feeling a little insecure. Learning to trust is earned and takes time and experience with someone.

If you are positive about wanting to stay with your job, then, stand your ground. It is certianly nothing to get divorced over. It also doesn't make sense to give up a job with insurance. Anything could happen to either of you and you would suddenly find yourself in the worst financial situation ever.
What if he became disabled, and you weren't working? Is that a risk worth taking?
There are emotions in relationships that can seem to get out of hand over things, but with a little communication and reason, things can be worked out.
Keep talking with him and keep comminication open.
What will he do if you refuse?
I hope things work out for you.

Answer 5

He should not be placing that kind of stress and pressure on you. You are very lucky to have a job you like, and should not be leaving it just so he can benefit from the situation. Moving costs are also expensive, and for such a short period of time it is not worth it!! We are not in the 50's ... women do work now-a-days. Another thing, just because there are men around when he cannot be there is not your problem if you are faithful, it's his. He should trust and respect your opinion. You have obviously considered his side of the story... it's his turn!!

Answer 6

YOU ARE ABSOLUTLY RIGHT. Since it's the last year that he will be doing this, I see no point in quitting your stable job that give you both medical and dental benefits, for 4 months being unemployed and without benefits, just to run back where you started a few months later. It just makes no sense.

The only other option is for him to go alone and for you to visit on holidays and such fir the time being until he comes back 4 months later.

Good luck

Answer 7

I don't think either one of you is being unreasonable....he's being impractical, but that's the beauty of being young....you can afford to be impractical.

Four months is a long time to be separated, I couldn't imagine it, especially in such a young marriage. When couples have established themselves, somehow it's easier to weather the separation.... You two are going to have to learn how to make big life decisions, this one is just the first of many.

Make a list of pros and cons, and leave the 'emotions' out if possible. Sit down with him with this list of pros and cons. If you are ultimately worried about benefits, tell him that in order for you to feel secure quitting your job, he must already have the benefits lined up.....you can buy individual or family health care and you can do your own IRA retirement plans.

AND, you can probably always get another job.

Answer 8

Your husband is being totally unreasonable. He may have some specific reason for making this extreme demand and telling you that you can just get another job. That's a selfish thing to tell a spouse. I think there is something going on beneath the surface.

Answer 9

Do you like your job? Do you feel like it is leading you down the right career path for you? If yes, then stay put.

However, If you plan on getting another job soon you might as well quit, take a few months off with your husband and look for employment when you get home.

I hope he doesn;t resent you working....

Answer 10

So he just wants you to go with him and give up your career for the few months that he will be gone, or is he planning a permanent move. If it's a permanent move, I would strongly suggest going with him, but if its just for a few months, then no I would stick to where I was making 50 grande a year. Thats a good amount of money to be making.