What is going on in my marriage?

Question

My husband and I have been married for 8 years. We are best friends, have incredible sex and our relationship is the envy of our friends. But the last six months he has been growing more and more distant from me. I know he has stress at work, but that has always been the case.

We used to have sex 4-5 times a week, now it is only 1-2 and only if I get things started. He never turns me down, but never acts interested unless I openly propostion him.

In addition, it is important to note that he has been watching porn even when I'm home or available for sex. He has always watched porn, I do too sometimes, so that is not the issue. It is an issue now because he has energy for porn, and not me! I'm not prude, I am in good shape, I am good looking and I LOVE sex. We have done everything he watches in porn and more.

SO what is wrong? Why porn when I'm home? Why this lack of interest? He says he is too tired, that it isn't me, but I am afraid I'm losing him. What can I do?

I have tried to talk and asked - with no success. He says he is tired, (but from what?) He works 40 hrs week, not long hours. I'm a stay at home mom, so he has no household chores or childcare issues to stress him. We are great financially, and no other areas we fight about. There is no lack of imagination in bedroom... trust me. We are 29 and 30 and have a two year old, but again, she isn't an issue.

So, if we're young, finanically okay, get along fine and I'm willing to have lots of sex (and I'm easy on the eyes) why is he being so distant and why the kill in his sex drive for me? I don't think Porn is an addiction, because it is only a couple times a week... it is just that he is using it when he could have ME. Help!

Answer 1

the thing is, you can't be sure of anything, no matter how well you know your spouse or how great your relationship has always been. so, the porn could be an addiction, or maybe not. of course he's not just going to admit it to you. it sounds underhanded, but i would be searching that computer with a fine-toothed comb (which wouldn't work in my case - hubby is a computer systems and computer science engineer).
the thing that worries me about your situation is that you say you two did always have a great relationship. when change comes on suddenly, when you least expect it, it's harder for you to face it and find the real problem. something could have happened to him six months ago that you don't know about. you have to keep fishing on this subject, and really, honestly let him know just how concerned you are. and, it's not always about sex. that may be how you measure the desire and passion in your relationship, but it is merely a symptom of the larger problem. keep digging, you'll eventually find our what's going on, and then you can figure out how to fix it.

Answer 2

See, the trouble with the "Well, a brother and sister living co-dependently could enjoy the same benefits" implies that no two straight people have *ever* abused the marriage system when they weren't in a romantic relationship. But a sibling couple doing so would still be legally "married"; they would not then, in turn, be allowed to marry anyone they were actually romantically interested in without dissolving that partnership, with all the legal problems a divorce can cause. I mean, I suppose if a brother/sister pair (or brother/brother or sister/sister, were gay marriage legal) wanted to enter into a lifelong, non-romantic legal partnership, sure, they could conceivably demand they be granted marriage rights. But such partnerships would be rather few and far between, as I think the social stigma of demanding you be allowed to marry your sister would probably suppress that group. A more pertinent question would be on how to handle the number of participants in a marriage. If marriage is opened up from where it is now, then there's the question about whether polyamorous unions should be legally recognized. And if we then expanded marriage to allow, say, 4 members, then what about polygamists who feel socially ostracized because they have a 5-way relationship? Polygamists and brothers wanting to marry their sisters, however, constitute a tiny, tiny fraction of American society. Homosexuals, while still a minority, number far greater. Opening up marriage to same-sex couples, I believe, is a way to grant these romantic pairings the same legal rights that are currently enjoyed via similar partnerships, while minimizing the change to the overall system. Sure, the "slippery slope" argument can still be applied, but just because opening up marriage to homosexuals might open up a bigger can of worms doesn't mean it isn't a good and right thing to do.

Answer 3

Stress is a killer in any relationship. No matter what kind of relationship or what stage you are in. Stress can END EVERYTHING. That is why people have vacation twice a year to get out of work for a week or two just to relax. Of course during the holiday, three day weekend small vacation is a must.
Driving can kill the fun out of it. I remember drivng 6 hour to Disneyland last year. My wife didn't even help. She also sleeped in the car. I was about to eject her out of the car if I have a eject button. :)
But I planned it well, It was a 5-6 day trip. So by the time we got there the first day, it was 8pm, so we just eat and check in to our hotel and sleep. Then we had 3 full day of fun. Plus I got one additional day off from work. So by the time I got back home, i could just sleep in. So the goal is to make it less stressful and painful. Otherwise your relationship with your husband is going to turn worst. If I start complaining about her not helping on the driving, then the vacation would suck. So someone (like you right now) has to take the pain. I know I did.

So try to understand his stress and see what you can help him out on.
Maybe get him a massage chair. I know a good one cost around $5,000 something. But you don't have to pay it all at once. I think you can make monthly payment on it. Hey you can even use your husband money to pay most of it.
Beside, I am sure the dimanod ring he got you during marriage is above that price. I should know, just brought a 1ct dimanod ring for my wife that is $5,000 and another 0.50ct ring for $3,000 this year. And the men ring doesn't even cost $300. Some are only $99 only. So a good massage chair would be very nice to release the stress out. He can just sit on it and watch tv, while you do want you want. The next day, he should be ready for action.
I am still hoping for my massage chair. It should be coming next chirstmas 2008. Stress is a killler, but at least I have the vacation plan out.
So try doing the simple stuff. Like driving him once in a while and picking him up from work. That should help alot.

Answer 4

Interesting to me that you are afraid you are loosing him yet you are the one that is not satisfied. Don't you wonder if he cares about loosing you? He's not doing much to fulfill your needs. I know guys view porn differently than most women but when it becomes a problem then that is what it is...a problem that will grow until something else becomes of it. Eventually you are gonna be tempted to cheat and find someone to fulfill your needs. I'm not saying that you will cheat, depends on the type of person you are, but you will either find it somewhere else or be miserable. Personally I don't think porn is such a good thing, maybe every now and then but I have managed a video store with an adult room and after awhile it creeps you out. The regs always get to the point where it is not enough and they need something more.
They end up wanting more weird and you start wondering if the neighborhood kids are safe. Good luck

Answer 5

If you were doing it 4-5 times a week steady, that maybe was too much. Now it probably got bored and porn is taking over. He is addicted to porn now and that is good enough for him. Try pulling him away from porn and start being active in doing things together and let the sex become the icing on the cake instead the main menu.
After reading your adtional info, I think that you are pushing for too much sex more then what he is willing to do. Maybe it is you with the too much sex.

Answer 6

Going out on a limb here, but why don't you ask him?
You did not say how old you are, kids? etc, financial issues, work issues, all are good mood killers. Sometimes porn is quick and impersonal and just a release and not meant as anything but that, quick escape, he doesnt have to worry about pleasing anyone else or emotions or forplay etc. Could there be a medical issue he is hiding? Could he be cheating?
You need to talk seriously.

Answer 7

Sounds like he's having the
7 year itch...only its a year late.
Everything is the same...You,
the job, the house, the life.
He's getting sick of the sameness. He may be interested in someone at work
or he may be dieing of boredom.
Now's the time to go on the
cruise to a very romantic place. If you can't rekindle
the love you have, it will die
on the vine. A marriage counselor may help, depending on how depressed he is. And then again, maybe
he needs a good physical to
rule out a few things.

Answer 8

Porn is like any other Addiction its a disease .
but kudos for you for 8 years of marriage and having sex 4-5 times a week ....still 1 or 2 times a week for married couple is still unbelievable

I would sit him down and have a nice lone toned conversation about this issue with him , maybe he needs help for his porn addiction yah never know unless you ask

Answer 9

You really need to talk to him and ask him what is going one some men just get bored of there women that is what my husband says and they want to do a quick and not have sex with you so that can get even more tired and rest and sleep I know my husband does this alot to and I was just like and my marriage is still like this trust men that is just men what happens to men when the get old. If not then you need to really sit him down and talk to him but I will tell you this you are not alone my husband is like this. And I hate it sometimes.

Answer 10

He enjoys porn more than the physical..It is an addiction just like masturbation..some men would rather do this than reach out for the real thing....It is more gratifying...You could go to a therapist..but kinda think he has his mind made up. This was something he got hooked on in childhood..so back to childhood it is. MOVE ON