Buzzoff, are you real?

Question

Thanks for answering my question, but what you are suggesting sounds a little like a fairy tale. Ok, I may be a little bitter right now, but come on ... I thought he was my Knight in Shining Armour - he used to pride himself on not turning out like the rest of his family, but somewhere along the line he lost sight of his goals. I cannot add all the details, 14 years is a long time to try to summarize in one little paragraph!!! Anyhow, I do appreciate your answer, I am just not sure if I am ready to give up on him. I can see the potential.

Answer 1

I responded to another post of yours. You sound very confused. You have invested a lot into your marriage, and you have built a lot of memories together. Your looking to live your fairy tale romance, and while he talks a lot of potential; he isn't demonstrating his potential through his actions or behaviors for quite some time. I had mentioned in the other post that basically the environment that you are living in now will be passed down through the generations to come, and he is showing you that to be true (as he has learned this from his parents). He is a product of his environment with his family, and he is bringing these traditions into your family now.

He can change that, but he has to want to, and right now he does not see a need because he is not the one losing anything so where is the problem to him.

Based on this post and the other one, it would be so beneficial for you to see a family counselor on your own and then introduce your family into it, on the direction of the counselor. The counselor can help you to get to a point where you are more in control of your emotions and better able to deal with your pain, because if you are feeling as much pain as I think you are, you start to communicate in a language called "Painese" and he doesn't understand that language. You think you are saying something that makes sense, but to him, he just hears #&% @ *!$, and then he just gets frustrated and shuts down. The counselor can help him to open the door up after you have learned to speak with calmness and address the actual problem in a rational way, and less defensive way.

Again, this is an area that shows you are lacking personal boundaries for yourself. Like how long are you willing to wait for his potential to materialize. Or how long do I want my children to be exposed to these family traditions. You have to set boundaries for yourself and for your marriage, otherwise you will be a bottomless pit, drowning in misery and bitterness. Yes, you have to change, but for you so you can find happiness. If you go to a restaurant and they take forever to serve you, do you stay and tolerate it, or do you have a boundary that if crossed you get up and leave. You need to have those in your relationships as well. Instead of trying to change someone who doesn't want to change, you have find acceptance, and decide if he really is your prince based on who he is now and not what he could be tomorrow.

Answer 2

Buzzoff is very real. Everything he/she has said is acheivable. Your husband has never seen inside you. All the stuff you have done about your appearance is outside stuff and will never make a man love you. So many women who have been in your situation have done exactly what you have done and 9 times out of 10, nothing changes. Your husband hasnt got the capacity to love you like you should be loved. That's not your fault. You have tried everything to make him love you and it has gotten you nowhere. If any relationship is going to be successful it takes two people to compromise, not one. If he wont change, if he wont see that he has a problem and is making you unhappy, and you have tried everything possible, then whats left? How much changing are you prepared to do for another person? When did you lose yourself? You cant live your life for another person, you have to do it for you. Its not only you who are suffering, its your kids too. Maybe its time to call it quits. You have tried everything and nothing has worked. You are unhappy, your kids are unhappy, so lets be realistic here. Is this what you want for yourself and your kids for the rest of your life?

We are all a product of our environment and if your husband family were raised badly then he learnt a lot of bad habits from a very early age. He had those traits long before you met him. Maybe the only hope you have is to suggest counselling. If he refuses to go to counselling with you, then I think you have your answer......he doesnt want to change, he doesnt want to compromise....he doesnt want to find the tools to change for the duration. Maybe its time to let him go. I guess you can continue to mold him in who you want him to be for the next 30 years and still be bitter and angry that nothing has worked. Maybe its time to cut your losses before you get too old. Maybe its time to want more for yourself and your kids. There are men out there who will look at you and love you like you deserve. You just picked the wrong guy. Sometimes it takes years and years of trying to compromise to realise that the other party just will not change. Once you can accept that he will always be this way (without professional intervention ofcourse), then maybe it will be easier for you to decide what is in the best interests of you and your kids and move on to a new and healthier life.
Even with counselling, there is no guarantee that he will change. Sometimes the damage done when a person is a child will never be undone. It all depends if he is willing to do what it takes to keep you. Obviously he is not serious in his attempts at trying to be a good husband and father. Youve given it 14 years. Maybe its time to realise that your husband will never change.

Answer 3

So how much more of being ground down will you submit to? How much more of your dignity are you willing to sacrifice? You've said you've done just about anything to please him both attitude wise and physically, including dropping an goodly amount of excess weight. Yet he still treats you like a second class citizen.
You'd best start evaluating everything long and hard before your self esteem is brought to such a level that you'll never have the nerve to make the move and stand your ground.

Answer 4

Buzzoff said:
Sounds to me like you're quite a catch and he's a complete loser. Dump him, my dear. Stop changing for him, because there's no need to. Dump him. Get out NOW, cut your losses, give yourself time to heal, and go find the one guy on earth who can't take his eyes off you and lights up like a firefly whenever he sees you. You deserve him! And your current husband doesn't deserve YOU.

I Say:
I think you need to get more self confidence, your man robbed you of that.... once this happens, you'll see there is better out there. The thing is, you have to allow yourself to be loved by a great guy, in order to do this, you have to have enough respect and love for yourself first.... you can't get this by staying with the same loser. Be strong and walk away - you are wasting your life away.

Answer 5

Well, if you can see potential to an womanizer and abusive creep, then keep living with him and stop whinning. I looked into your last question and your description of your husband was not good. Go for it lady---get your faced smashed in. It's no skin off our noses.

Answer 6

really think about the pros and con of this realationship
make a list of good and bad what can you handle and what can you TOGETHER change.
life is not easy single or in a realtionship challeges are in everything we do. with that said i hope you get by this easy and happy

Answer 7

You know, you CAN email a person privately, unless they don't allow it, which is what may have happened. Either case, don't post another "question" about it.

minus 5 for you

Answer 8

i dont know what you are tlaking about either but ill write something bc it gives me points and im shallow like that lol

Answer 9

Who are you talking too? Or what are you talking bout?

Answer 10

What are you talking about?