How do I change?

Question

...be a better wife to a womanizing, selfish, arrogant, stubborn, pig-headed man, who cares about no one but himself? I hear all kinds of people say "Well, if you would have been a better spouse...". I cannot try any harder. My will is gone. Over the past few years I have done nothing but change, hoping that one day, just maybe, he would love me again. It doesn't matter what I do - I have lost 20 lbs., firmed up my abs and buttocks, cut my hair, taken better care of myself - everything for him. And what does he do? Be-little me and yell at me when he is frustrated (he does this to the kids, too). What kind of monster have I been married to for almost 14 years? He knows what he has to do to make ME happy - a little more affection. That's all I have asked for - but he says that since he wasn't raised that way he can't do it. What kind of BS is that? Ok, sorry about ranting and raving, but seriously, why is always the fault of the one who is being cheated on? Please help!!!

Answer 1

If you feel that you have exhausted every avenue only to face a dead end, then it might be time to consider giving him his walking papers. Perhaps you would have done that if you didn't have children to think about. Think about this... he says he wasn't raised to be affectionate...now think about the environment your children are being raised in. This negative (and from the sounds of it toxic) relationship is what your children are being raised in, and they are going to think of the way Mom and Dad treat each other is normal in a relationship because that is how they were raised. I don't think this is what you had in mind when you thought of family traditions that carry forward throughout the generations.

I don't know where you got the notion that it is always the fault of the person being cheated on. It doesn't sound like you have defined your boundaries as to what you are willing to tolerate and what you are not willing to tolerate in your marriage, or your life. The part that he needs to own is that he is not willing to nurture your feelings, and that his door is closed (and may have been closed for quite awhile.) The part that you need to own is where is your self respect, and why you have accepted someone belittling you. Or, why you have accepted a one sided relationship for so long. I am sure you think you haven't accepted it, but if you are living in it, and you have defined your boundaries and he is continually stepping over them, then you are accepting it. You have to have self respect and know where the end of the road is for you on the belittling issue, so when you reach that point, you have a plan as to what you will do whether it is to leave, or some other plan. For your children's sake, it may be wise to consider family counseling for yourself to start, and then invite your husband and your children to attend. If anything, it will help you come to some sort of arrangement with a mediator to separate for a while, and heal a little bit...maybe realize what was good in your marriage and rebuild; and for your children, it will help them with their self esteem, and help them get off to a good start when they start getting involved with someone seriously. Otherwise this type of behavior will become a family tradition for generations to come.

You have the power to change your life, and influence your children's life for a better tomorrow. You don't have the power to change him. He has to want to change himself and it seems like you are at an impass.

Answer 2

I agree with those who have already responded. The problem is not you, the problem is him. Why should you try to change when he is unwilling to do anything to make you happy? Even though there are kids involved, it is better to be from a broken home than from a home without love and affection.
You say he wasn't raised to show affection. Did you know this or sense this before you were married? Or has he changed since you said "I DO"?
Still the problem resides in him, from what you have said you have tried everything humanly possible to make him feel needed and wanted. He will not change, so get the hell out of dodge.
The kids will be better off in the long run and you will definately be much better off. Remember there are still a few of us good men out there who love to get and receive affection. Who care about the woman in our lives enough to try to make her happy. You can find someone who will give you what you need and want in a relationship.
Life is way toooooooooo short to stay in a marriage or relationship that has no love or affection. I know I speak from experience. I stayed 33 years in a marriage like that, until I finally got fed up and walked out.
I then found someone who loved me and we have a wonderful warm, tender, affectionate relationship that I would never trade.
So raise your chin, stick out your chest, and kick his A S S out the door. Then take him for all he is worth.

Answer 3

That saying is not true. Its an addiction some people have to be unfaithful. Its not you. I'm sure you are a great mother and wife. From past experience I will say, it doesnt matter if youre drop dead gorgeous and sexy, or let yourself go, fat, thin, instyle or out of stlye, if he is a compulsive cheater none of these things matter. Just look at all the Hollywood couples out there who have gorgeous wife's such as Jude Law with Siena Miller. Its a shame but they dont care what the other person looks like, its just the thrill of having it and getting away with it. You need to work on your self esteem. Don't waste anymore of your years with this man and live for yourself and your kids. Lots of Luck.

Answer 4

I think the answer is quiet clear. You have put your all into a man that does not give a hoot about you and what you want out of this marriage, (happiness). I have been married for 13 years. My husband never does any of the things that your old man does. I have been there in the past with the ex-husband. I tried and tried. I finally got my act together and left him. Now I have the best husband and marriage i could have ever asked for. The answer is to do the right thing since you have exhausted all your other alternatives and make him leave, or you may have to be the one to make the move. Go find peace within, without this horrible man and marriage. Love may be just around the corner and you are too blind (just like he wants you to be) to realize it. The grass is greener on the other side. Wouldn't you rather have your sanity and peace than to live like this for another 14 years. Release yourself from him. Your children will be happy for you too. If they are not grown then you for sure need to leave to save them from him making them turn out to be just like him. You really need to think, pray, and get out of the marriage. best of luck and I hope to hear you moved on.

Answer 5

This is ABUSE. I have been there and managed to transform the relationship from hell to heaven. I now help other women to do it. Or he may leave you, which will give you the freedom to build up your life.
You must take control of your life and become strong!!! This is life saving. Otherwise you will end up in the same situation even if you start a new relationship.

Please urgently read "Why Does He Do That" and "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" (see amazon)
These books will clear the mystery behind his ugly behaviour. Once you know the enemy he will no longer be so frightening. You will also learn how to recognise the slightest form of abuse and stop it on time before it turns into a horrible put down.

At times he may be nice to you and you thinks it’s over, he has changed. Please do not fall into this trap. Please do not delay as this only gets worse over time and often ends tragically for the woman (you can be mentally or physically destroyed).
I can tell you much more. Please fell free to email me.

Answer 6

Is any relationship better than no relationship? Are you scared to be on your own? Aren't you worth more than this? As you have allowed him to act this way for fourteen years, why should he change now? If he says he can't show you affection, what about the other women? Didn't he show it to them? Where will you be in ten years time? He has undermined your confidence and self esteem. Find the strength to go. It may take a time to arrange it all but it will give you a goal to work toward and a purpose. Good luck

Answer 7

Are you just venting or do you really want change? If so, then you need to honestly, without anger, look at your contribution to his actions. He sounds to be resentful and anger, why I do not know. All relationships is a two way street, takes two to tango, and it takes two to create a situation. Not putting the blame on anyone, just pointing out that some of us contribute to are own situations without really trying to. If he is only a jerk and you are convinced he will never change, then you need to decide to either put up with this situation you are in or not. There is no other answer but that. You cannot expect to complain and have other solve your problems with a magic wand if you are not willing to give up on him yet. Without change there will be none.

Answer 8

He's the one with the guilt and his way of dealing with it is to be abusive to you. He has no intention of being a loving husband so why do you continue to try? You asked how you can change. Stop being used as a rug, get off the floor, stand tall and leave this piece of trash and make a new life for yourself and the kids!

Answer 9

Hmmm...
I am sure you could search all your life and never turly find the answers to the questions you pose.....but much of it centers around his respect or lack of for you and his childhood/relationship with his own parents while growing up.

Regardless, do you really want to know why he is such a jerk or do you want to stop having a jerk husband? If you have truly tried everything...including counseling....then it is high time that you and your children leave this abusive relationship......the 'why' of his actions does not matter if he is unwilling to change. good luck!!

Answer 10

The only thing you can do now is save yourself. The person who needs to change is the asshole you're married to, and I doubt THAT will ever happen.

Find a good attorney and cut your losses before you become so embittered and embattled that you end up doing something REALLY dumb...like becoming an alcoholic or committing suicide or murder.