How do you know if your husband is abusive, or if he has a point?

Question

Sometimes I think my husband is emotionally abusive. I do something almost everyday that either makes him mad, hurts his feelings, or aggrivates him. He says that if I could control my temper and "come to the table with a better attitude" that we wouldn't fight near so much. But, there are somethings and sometimes where I feel that he is out of line. He will say things that hurt me and then he gets mad when I get upset. I'm so confused! After the fight, he makes me believe that it IS my fault that we fight for days on end. But outsiders of the relationship think he's a controlling, abusive, jerk. But, he's so smart that I take the blame because he seems to have a good point. How do you know if it's you or your spouse's problem? (This is his 2nd marriage and my first. The first one ended because they couldn't get along either)

Amy M-Hahahahaha! You are soo funny!, you too laughing spirit!!!

johnny N- Huh? I'm a God fearing woman. But he seems to only use God to benefit himself.

Answer 1

I betcha he is verbally abusive. He may have a point, too.
So what?
Here is the first thing you must know:
YOU are responsible for how you feel, and he is responsible for how he feels. You are NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR how he feels or what he does about it. EVER!
You are busy being responsible for what YOU do when HE PISSES YOU OFF.
If you DO something and he CHOOSES be angry aggravated or hurt-THAT IS HIS problem. If he yells at you, belittles you, calls you ANY names, or is sarcastic or contemptuous-he is being abusive. PERIOD.
If you allow him to mistreat you-you are guilty of thinking you deserve it because he might have a point.
Again, so what?
I can tell you NICELY that I didn't like what you said or did. I can tell you I'd appreciate it if you would not do that anymore.
I would also ask if there was anything I DO that you are too nice to mention. I would encourage you to tell me, and to grow as a couple, not pick on you because you are stupid.
You can't please him, no matter what you do?
He is quick-tempered and goes from quiet to loud in one sentence?
He gets mad at you for getting hurt at his accusing? He's a bully.
If he is so smart, how come he is belittling and hurting his life partner, instead of being kind and loving to you?
Yes, I would recommend you go to couple's counselling to stop fighting. If he won't go, go alone, to learn how to deal with him. (He may not want to change or think he needs to.)
If you are so wrong, so stupid, so hurtful to this poor SWEET man, why doesn't he just LEAVE?
Answer: You are not. He wants to find fault. It is HIS PROBLEM.
Your problem? Teaching him to be nice to you. Not letting him get away with his bad behavior, no matter how handsome, hot or smart he is.
You may need help to UNDO what you have already allowed him to do.
Ask yourself this question: Are you equals?
Does he LISTEN TO YOU? Do you EVER have a valid point? Is he ever sorry? Or are you always apologizing, trying to fix something he doesn't like, and HE DOESN'T ?
Is this his marriage and you are along for the ride? Or are you partners in growth, and love and respect?
No way you should be fighting for days on end. Quit it. If you hush and refuse to answer or participate, soon he will be fighting by himself. You could even leave the house, until he calms down. He may be addicted to drama. Is this what he does, no matter what?
You know the answers.
Now, be brave enough to dare to be happy.
Good luck.

Answer 2

Yes, your husband is emotionally abusive. It's probably what ended his first marriage. If you could find his ex and talk to her, it would be illuminating.

The classic give away is him telling you that, if YOU could come to the table with a better attitude, you and he wouldn't fight so much. It is, of course, a given (to him) that he is the reasonable one, and you are causing all the problems. If only you would alter your attitude so that you could agree with him, because he is always right, then you wouldn't have any problems. Why are you making life so difficult, by insisting on having a mind of your own?

Another give away is that he says things to hurt you, and then gets mad when you get upset. Like all controllers, he is the only one allowed to have feelings, and he is the only one allowed to say "ouch".

Third give away, everybody you know considers him a "controlling, abusive jerk" (your words).

He's not "smart", so much as manipulative and controlling.

The way you know if it is you or your spouse's problem is that you step back and take a sane look at the proceedings. Who cares about whose feelings? Who couldn't care less about anything other than being right, all the time? No human is right all the time.

Ask yourself this: if you were an objective observer, say, in a restaurant, and you heard a man berating a woman, saying exactly the same things your husband says to you, what would your reaction be? Then ask yourself, if you wouldn't approve of another woman being treated this way, why is it acceptable for you?

I hate to be negative, but the prognosis for men like him is not good. He has already been through a marriage, and got divorced, rather than change. (I'll bet, according to him, it was all her fault.) You can choose to waste further years of your life fighting "for days on end", or you can get out of it, thanking God you don't have kids, yet.

Go to your friends for help - you know they will say, "Finally!" When you do find a guy who listens to you, respects your opinions and considers your feelings, you won't believe the difference, and you will kick yourself for putting up with this jerk, as long as you did.

Answer 3

The way it sounds is that its him that has a problem. I know because I live with one of those jerks. It seems that everyday I do something that causes an arguement too. Sure sometimes we all make mistakes or are just in a bad mood. Maybe you dont come to the dinner table with a good attitude because he made you that way. Sometimes I have resentment for the past things he had done to me and I can be a total witch with him all day. He gets mad and tells me I am the problem when originaly he got me to that point. If you dont leave him, then just ignore him. Try changing youself to not let things bother you so much. If he still tries to find something wrong then you can answer you own question that way.

Answer 4

Well it sounds like you have answered your own question. If he makes you feel bad on a daily basis, something is not right. I am not there to hear both sides, so I wouldnt know if you start fights or pick fights. but if "outsiders" are telling you these things, then perhaps it could be true, abuse is a strong word, I think that if you love someone, you should do things that make that person happy, I am married and I can tell you that it is not easy to always be nice. but you shouldnt accept blame for every argument, thats not okay. He may be smart, but so are you! I hope he doesnt hit you, because that is NEVER okay!! NEVER!!!!! If it ever gets to that point, you must leave. It sounds like he is a biy controlling. It can work, but you both have to work at it. It can never be one sided, You should feel happy more than you feel sad.

Answer 5

Sometimes if a person asks about someone being emotionally abusive-they already know the answer but are not ready to accept it or are afraid to accept that they are in this situation. One thing I've read is in second marriages, you will hear about the evil first wife and everything was her fault. Then when he marries you it becomes your fault not his. He is never at fault-someone else always bring this attitude out in him. If they would just do what they are supposed to do.
Here is a web site with some good info that might give you some insight.

Answer 6

I am so sorry that you are going through this. He is controlling you, and he is altering your state of mind. You seem to be actually believeing that this is your fault. Well, let me tell you something.... It isn't your fault. He tells you that you need to come to the dinner table with a better attitude. Is he your husband or your father? Give me a break. My husband never talks down to me or belittles me. If he ever did, he'd get a swift kick in the @ss. You should never let a man or anyone for that matter treat you this way. You are a woman and deserve respect. I would seriously reconsider this "marriage" if I were you. I really hope there is not children involved in this. Take care of yourself, and don't ever let a man bring you down.

Answer 7

First rule of emotions: no one can MAKE you feel anything. He is responsible for his own feelings. He needs to grow up and own up to this.

He tells you that it's your fault he feels a certain way because you said or you did X. Let me put that in perspective; I've had three year olds throwing temper tantrums saying "you made me do it!". Sound familiar? You can't "make" him do or think or feel anything. Not unless you've got some power of mind control that the rest of us would love to know the secret of.

He seems to have a great thing going, though. If he's in a bad mood or if he needs to throw a temper tantrum, he's got a ready target. You. Guess what? He's got you trained enough to feel guilty into taking the blame for whatever happens to be going through his head.

Take responsibility for your actions, your feelings and nothing else. Tell him to do the same. If he doesn't like it, he can move on to marriage number three. Yes, he is abusive. Tell him to get his **** into counselling immediately or you're going to a lawyer's office. Halt this behaviour now. You may not believe this, but it is a small step from "I feel bad and it's your fault" to putting his fist through your face.

Answer 8

He has a failed first marriage? Sweetie, the common denominator here is him! At the very least he is manipulative in making you believe you have done something wrong when he is the one that made you upset! He is also selfish, and a control freak in that he wants to control what you say to him and how you say it. So yes, my dear, this is an abusive relationship---verbal and mental. Counseling could be the only thing that could get you two on track. When marrying someone that has been divorced you need to first ask yourself if they learned anything from their first marriage. Obviously your husband is still making the same mistakes. Tell him you've had enough and you want to see a counselor or there may be no hope for you two.

Answer 9

Well i don't know all the facts so i don't really know. But if others outside the relationship think it is him at fault and not you and he has also had a previous failed marriage for the same problem then i am guessing it is him. You should talk to him or someone you trust about it and maybe you can sort out the problem before it goes too far. Hope i was helpful. Good Luck!

Answer 10

I think he is a controlling abusive jerk...and you saying that he is smart and you take the blame leads me to believe that he has you brainwashed. He is abusive, and he's manipulative because he has you thinking that he has a point. Now it's up to you on what you are going to do about it. I'd tell him I was fed up with his crap and that either he has to change his attitude or I'm out. I hope that he isn't physically abusive, but if he can't control HIS temper..he may be.