Funny feelings....?

Question

My husband is deployed right now and we talk on the phone everyday or every other day. We have two children, 3 year old and 6 month old. Anyways, our phone conversations have been great up until the last 3 or so. Before, we would always talk about him coming home. About how much we missed each other. He would ask about the kids. Really satisfying conversations. Even on his days off, we would chat online for a couple of hours. So about three phone calls ago we go into an argument about the money and how I am handling it here. He said the bills look fine, but I am spending too much money it seems in other places. He told me to reevaluate my spending habits. So that was fine, we argued and there was some tension there when we hung up. The next conversation was not good either because my toddler stayed up half the night and I lost alot of sleep. When his phone call came around, I ended up releasing lots of frustrations out for almost and hour.

Very wrong of me, but I could not help it. So we ended that conversation sort of open ended also. Well this mornings was the same way, I was more upbeat and back to normal but he seemed to have something bothering him. I could sense this in his voice. It has been that way since the last two conversations. I just have this weird feeling about him. He hasn't asked about the kids and he didn't even tell me he had a day off. Almost as if he didn't want to talk to me online. He said because of the time difference. He has also started working with this one girl he spoke of maybe twice. I hate to go there, but as a woman I am becoming jealous. Conincidently things changed around that time? Or was is pure conencidence? I don't know but it's bothering me. Should I ask him and write him? Or should I let it go?

I am normally not a jealous person, but I do tend to notice that I get jealous when he talks of women he works with. Is this just me? Does it mean anything if he does? I know that him being alone and combined with an arugment and a hateful wife may make for a bad situation if he was faced with temptation.

I have not make a note* He is in the Air Force and this is not a bad deployment. There is no front line fighting at all. Pretty much just a four month work trip away from home.

Answer 1

Don't listen to the jerks.
My husband was deployed three years ago to Afghanistan. It just gets like this. I know it's hard, because you are doing a huge job, and doing your best, and you still have to try to keep up a relationship.
See, marriage relationships are meant to be nurtured within one another's presence. When you aren't together, some of the intimacy falls away. Then people worry about who's doing what with whom.
There are some aspects of what you are doing that are easier than what your hubby is doing.
First off, his entire environment is changed, from the people, to the weather, to the noise level, to the food, to the smells - all physical things have changed. This causes stress.
Then, he is away from his family, he wants to be close to them, and his children, but he just can't. This is an added stress.
Add to that he is in a war environment. The people he is with may or may not be there the next day - he has probably already lost some of the people he knows. This is hard for him to wrap his brain around.
When your body and mind are all stressed out like this - you desperately want to call home and reclaim some of the normalcy. But then you do, and everything isn't as wonderful as you'd hoped (because it's regular life), and it just isn't really the experience you were looking for, and it just reminds you of how much you miss them, and how much you are missing.
Now add to that the fact that your husband is a guy, and the one in that situation, and he isn't really aware on all levels that this is what he is experiencing. And how do guys deal with stress? By NOT talking about it and hoping it will go away. How do guys deal with negative emotions? They get angry. Sometimes they can't even define what they are angry about, so they just pick something (like finances). My hubby did this even though while he was gone I refinanced our house (reducing our interest rate by three full percentage points, taking 10 years AND $100 per MONTH off our mortgage), and paid off all our credit cards.
The real question is - how did he come to KNOW about the finances? Really, while he is gone you should be in charge of that, and he should just take cash draws for his own needs. When he asks, everything is fine. Which it should be, because you are a good wife, and you are taking care of business.
Now, wife of deployed husband. I know you are tense, and tired, and overwhelmed, and frustrated, and scared, and worried, and it is all just not fair. When you talk to your husband, when you IM, you are going to be upbeat, happy, everything is great, you miss him so much and can't wait until he's back. This is how you are going to support him. I'm not saying you should be false, I'm saying don't go in to detail, and if you're having a bad day, talk about it with one of your girlfriends - not to him. Whenever he talks to you, everything is hunky dory.
Don't burden him with finances. It really is all you for this time, and you have to cowgirl up and do it. It's okay, sometimes you won't do it perfectly, or even well, but you will do it.
Yup, it's a mask. No, it's not fair. It just happens to be the best way to do this. And it's temporary.
So go get some boxes, every time you go shopping, pick up something for him. Get portraits done of the kids, have them do some fingerpainting, and send him a box every month.
Meanwhile, use this time. Have some of those home sales parties we love to have and our husbands hate for us to have. Take a class. Invite some girlfriends over for a sleepover with movies and popcorn and fingernail polish.
It's normal for your relationship to falter with this long absence. Relationships require time, after all, a commodity you are short of. Use the time instead to build some of your other relationships with family and friends.
When he gets back, that will be another tough transition, but lets cover that another day.

Add'l after reading other posts.

People can be such jerks! Look, just because you worry about him cheating, doesn't mean it's true. So don't listen to people who are automatically assuming he's cheating just because you're worried about it. He's probably not.

It is so difficult for the deployed soldiers to call their loved ones! It would be SO much easier for them if they could just step out of their personal lives for the whole time they were gone and then just reappear as if by magic. But they know they shouldn't, and they care about you. So they don't. Every time they call it just reminds them of how much they are missing you, and the kids. It reminds them of the huge hole in their hearts, and they have to deal with the hole again. And again.
Think good thoughts about your honey. When he calls, think of it as a huge sacrifice he is making for you (even if he's being a poop for the moment). When you remember him, remember good things. When you imagine him working, imagine him working hard and making sacrifices for his country and having completely appropriate relationships with all soldiers. When he's distant, imagine it could be because he is dealing with issues he doesn't want to burden you with.

Answer 2

Don't get too hung up on this. Like every relationship there are those times for arguments. In this case what might have been argued about for a couple hours or so if you were together has to be spread out over a couple days becasue of your situation.

he's in a tough position. I was the same way when over there. There is his job to worry about there, but because of his nature, he als oworries about things at home. It's not that he doesn't trust you, it's just that protective nature.

This happened to me and my wife while I was there too. We had those couple of days when there were arguments over the phone. But over time, hopefully not long, things will be back to normal. Everything is now out in the open, has been talked about, you know how he feels he knows how you feel, leave it at that and make an effort to correct things.

Good luck to you both

Adition after reading your other details:

Is this his first deployment? A day off in a deployment such as this is hardly a day off. My days off meant that it was one day where I wasn't on the streets. but there was plenty of other things to do. maybe something happend that he doesn't want to tell you becasue of your fears. There were times I didnt tell my spouse about some situations because she was worried enough as it was. Cheating? does it happen, yes. But it's not as often as you think.This is not club med he's at. Don't worry about the cheating. Even though this person he's working with is a woman, you have to understand the comeraderie between soldiers. It's a much deeper freindship than normal. Yeah he may talk abotu her, but if they need to watch eachother's backs they are going to become closer freinds. If he was cheating on you, he wouldn't have mentioned her at all.

the last thing you want to do is ask him about or accuse him of cheating on you with this woman. You have no idea how insulting this would be to him. Keep in mind what I said above about the cameradie of soldiers. I worked with a couple females myself, and they were treated no different than any guy in the unit as far as trust and getting to know.

Answer 3

Its normal, He is frustrated not being able to be the man of the house and see you and the kids and maybe you are frustrated because he is not at home either. It is tough running a household and doing it with lack of sleep is much rougher. Everything will be fine. Just cut back a bit on spending if you dont need something dont buy it. I know easier said then done at times. Send him a messaging saying you I know its rough on me right now but I know you are having a rougher time. May your husband be safe and thank him for defending our country. Good luck

Answer 4

do not read into anything.....deployments are hard and your conversations are not always going to be lovey dovey ones...if he was home with you would the 2 of you have talked about this? most likely yes, when you talk to him again tell him your sorry for the awkwardness of the last few conversations, and I know it's hard but vent to a friend or family member about this stuff for now while he is gone......even if your calls are short keep them sweet..I'm not saying keep things from him sure talk about the kids and life but try to keep the frustration level down.......Good luck and please tell him your sorry and that you love and miss him......


just read your add on...dont go there...not a good place...yes its hard on your but its harder on him....when my Husband deployed (a couple of times) he would do the same things I saw a decrease in his intreset in our girls and home life in our conversations and I asked him about it, he explained to me that it almost made it more difficult for him when I talked about the kids and stuff going on at home because it killed him to not be there with us that it was almost easier to just not hear it, he missed us so much it hurt to hear even the good things because he was missing it and when the frustrating things came up about the kids and I would vent to him (like I would when he was home) it frustrated him because he could not be there to help me.......just keep communicating and being honest.....you"ll make it through, you both will..

I didn't think he was in Iraq or anything but he is still away and 4 months is 4 months I hated it when my husband had to go away no matter if it was for 6 months or 3 weeks it was still hard......

Answer 5

To get your finances back on track, how about seeing a financial adviser at your bank? Check into an 801K plan vs an IRA.

At least your husband is calling. If he wasn't, then you should become worried. He probably has enough stress on him, and he probably just doesn't want to hear any arguing.

FYI: When I was in the military and out on deployments, it was always a morale breaker to hear of someones marriage on the rocks and heading towards divorce.
I guarantee you he's hearing the same things, and it probably scares him and makes him angry that he can't be at home trying to work things out with you.

If your arguments are about the finances, talk to someone at the bank. Get that squared away. Then it's just one less thing to fight about.

Answer 6

Problem arise everywhere. But you both have to understand you are both stress and tired. House wife is not a easy job. Working in a different part of the work mean thinking habit has to change to. I mean after all, (i am chinese by way) In US, i don't have to worry about my co-worker kicking me out or stealing my job. In China, people are out to get you out of the picture. Friends today doesn't mean friend tomorrow. I don't know what part of the world your husband is working in, but it is hard to communicate. There will be days where he might have got yell at and don't want to tell you. I won't want to tell my wife to. It is a eagle thing. But over all we just don't want our wife to be worry. So we do tent to talk to other female. This is not something to get jealous about. It is just a habit, just like women like talking to man more than to their sister.
It happen. Nothing to be worry about.
There will also be day where a man just want to sleep and don't talk. It is okay.

Answer 7

i would read "separated by duty, united by love" it is a very interesting book. it talks about a lot of the things couples fight about when one is deployed, money is a big one. my sister's husband will go to afganistan in january, and this book has helped her to prepare for those types of situations. i hope that everything works out, i am sure you are both just frustrated and need a little time.... good luck.

Answer 8

well i think your feelings could be correct, i know there is places they can go also . called the green zone in bagdad where there is escorts they stay for months , to feed from these guys, so my guess he got mad because he wanted money and you couldnt give it to him so he wanted to know wheres it going, but bet you gave it to him anyways . however he loves you iam sure cheating i know isnt right , but remeber these guys dont know if they are going to be on earth tomarrow. hes scared depressed somedays happy, homesick mad. and its tough .I know we are the same but remember we dont have to watch our every movement for ied's( bombs) and kids that could kill us and wonder why we are trying to help people that also some of them are trying to kill us. just dont worry about if he cheats or not whats important is your love for him and his for you and he comes home safely, if he trys to fight make something up like you got to leave forgot i have appointment doctor kids shot something dont fight with him just keep giving him support . remenber these men dont know if they are coming home everyday they have to think is it today , so we never no what we would do if its us be strong for him, no worries right ! iam sure hes told you that alot ! so no worries and god speed to him and all of them over there , all will be fine , pray for him and just love him. when hes quite hes scared means its a bad mission.

Answer 9

I have found that if you go to survivinginfidelity. com you will find a lot of people who have dealt with this very same situation. Basically, this site could save you...honestly. Check out the 180 section.

Answer 10

Humans are prone to think the worst. Relax and next time he calls try to turn him on and talk dirty. Get him excited about coming home to you in a pink lacey thong...