My wife just told me she doesnt care of we ever have sex again - what now?

Question

We are both 43 - She had cancer and finished treatment, but it sent her into menopause. She can't get hormone replacement therapy, and basically told me "sorry, too bad, we are at a different phase of our life and get used to it." We have two young children and divorce is really not an option.

We already have gone 9 months with almost no sex - its been three months since she finished treatments

And how is this a choice between sex and my wife's life?????

Answer 1

Cancer is a terrible diagnosis.
It brings many changes.
One change which is not necessary is a complete denial of sexuality.

I think you need to make it clear that you are not willing to spend the next 30 years of your life as a monk. It is a truly unreasonable request to make of a healthy individual.
Let her make the decision what you should do as she is so good at deciding what "phase" of your life you are in.

If it includes you getting no more sexuality in this marriage, my solution would be a legal separation followed by divorce if there is no adjustment.

I am living with a wife who had a hysterectomy and is passing through menopause. I am fortunate to say both those phases improved our relationship and sexuality. Were I in your shoes I would feel compelled to make a significant change to get back in the saddle. Sorry I am selfish that way. I'm not willing to cut out my physical life because of a choice.

Answer 2

Need more info: Did she have a hysterectomy. Was it complete or partial? If she
has gone into menopause, she does not need to use the artificial hormones as they ARE high risk. But she can get natural hormones which are very close to human hormones only derived from
plants. These would cause
no risk. Also, there are many
herbal formulas that would
increase her libido without
causing problems. Me and
many of my friends are way
past natural menopause and
have no "hormones" in our
bodies but we still are interested in sex. Most all
older women are, they just
can't find a virile man.
It sounds like your wife has
some fear. If she absolutely
refuses sex, there's not much
you can do, but at 48 years old, this is putting a strain on
you and she should be made
aware of this. Your life did
not end when she got cancer.

Answer 3

There is something profoundly wrong here. I've had over forty years of clinical experience, and seldom is cancer therapy the reason a woman loses interest in sex. In fact, most women find themselves much hornier once menopause sets in.

Your wife has been through hell - no doubt about it. But so have you; this is the most important person in your life and watching her go through this dreadful experience is it's own unique hell.
She needs to understand your need for intimacy as well as her own. But something is in the way. There are almost an infinite variety of "somethings" that it could be. The most effective way to get to the bottom of it all is through counseling. She needs love and understanding, and maybe she feels she hasn't been getting it. That "different phase of life" stuff is basically bullsh(i)t - she's human and needs intimacy. If she won't go to counseling, you go yourself - you may well find the counselor can help you convince her to come, too. But by all means, do not accept the status quo. That isn't fair to you or to her - and believe me, your kids will notice, and be seriously, and maybe permanently troubled by, the coldness between you two.

Answer 4

It could be that things will change in time. This is how she is feeling at the moment, but it's not necessarily the way she will always feel, so I would avoid taking this too literally right now.

Give her some time. If things don't improve, and she is not willing to work on them, then you might have to consider your options. Would she be willing to let you sleep with other women? After all, she is being pretty closed minded about it right now - like your needs don't mean anything here. Fact is, you do have needs, and if she can't, or wont meet them, then this isn't a happy union any more.

Answer 5

Well first of all you need to understand that after everything your wife has been through, sex is probably the last thing on her mind. Can't really blame her for that. At the same time, she can't blame you for being a man with needs. And it's NOT reasonable to expect you not to ever want to have sex again.

Many will tell you to find a girlfriend on the side, etc etc. But first and foremost I would ask your wife what she honestly expects you to do? That you love her and that you are loyal to her, but that she can't honestly expect you to never have sex again. Ask her what your alternatives are? I seriously doubt she's going to come right out and tell you that it's okay to see other people, but she MIGHT hint around that she won't ask questions as long as you tell her no lies. Meaning.......she may just want you to make sure that nobody ever finds out about whatever it is you do to satisfy your needs in whatever way you need satisfying.

Just be careful with whatever you end up doing. It NEVER looks good when a man is caught cheating on cancer survivor of a wife! So just be smart about whatever you end up doing, and make sure it doesn't compromise your role as a caring husband and a loving father.

Answer 6

I agree with some of the other answers.
This is a difficult situation, and perhaps going to counseling or therapy - alone at first,and later on as a couple- might be of great help.
She has gone through a lot- and so have you. But avoiding the issue and not talking about what to do about it is not going to solve the problem; and it will wear both of you out.

Please consider talking to a good therapist. Good luck!

Answer 7

Suggest to her that the two of you seek professional advice. It sounds like you have been pretty darned patient and supportive of her. Do not be afraid to talk to her about sex, or with your doctor. There may be some simple dietary or metabolic things that could be done to rejuvenate her libido. In the meantime, stay focused on your marriage, and, whatever you do, don't go looking for sex somewhere else other than your marital partner. That is a HUGE mistake

Answer 8

Its not that if she has sex she will die. Gosh, I would enjoy life to the fullest if i was in her situation. Plus, Sex, ok is not the most important thing in a marriage. But yes it is important. Although others may say different that a month, 3 months you can do without you can, but its nots fun at all. I would talk to her about it and maybe go to a councilor to see if you can help her. Its not that you don't love her and sex is all you think about but like i said its important in any relationship.

Answer 9

Hmm. Theres more going on that that. Whenever someone tosses out the "ohwell, deal with it " line, it means they dont care or are pretending not to. As a female, my hunch is that she resents your sexual approaches/demands during this difficult time for her. Stop mentioning sex, be affectionate, caring, etc. Maybe some counseling. The sex will return when the rest of the relationship is on track.

Answer 10

I suggest giving her some time to get over her ordeal. Be a good husband for the next year or so and spank the monkey a lot.

But do not drop this. If he attitude does not change after a little while, you will need to present to her the reality that you crave her love and affection and need her physically as well as emotionally. Ask her what she expects you to do. "Get used to it" is not an option - I mean in the physical sense - what are you supposed to do?