I need more answers about my lying husband?

Question

Last year at this time, my husband and I went through bad times, and he hurt me alot. He got sent back early from Iraq because of it, and almost got kicked out the army. As the months passed things began to get better between us and I let my guard down just a little. His friend returned from Iraq 3 weeks ago, and since then things have been bad. He is smoking weed, abusing pills, and neglecting our son. I have had it..I try to talk to him but nothing is getting through. I asked him not to do these things but instead he does it behind my back. Game recognizes Game..So I know whats going on but he denies it. To redeem himself he brings up things I did wrong in the past. I just want our family to not fall apart, but he is not hearing me. What do I do? I really want to leave because I feel like I am being totally disrespected and tired of constantly being lied to. Marriage is based on trust, I feel like if I cant trust him then what is that for a marriage? How do I get through to him?

One thing I notice about him is that he is very easily influenced. When its the two of us, everything is cool and he seems to really understand me, but when it comes to being around his friends, everything just goes out of the window. He almost got kicked out of the army because of his early release from Iraq. Our son was born at 24 weeks and needs alot of attention, attention that I cant do just by myself. We are in Hawaii, so a plane ticket home isnt something I can easily pay for. I dont know how to react, at times he is so sweet and I believe him when he tells me that he will stop. As far as counceling, he will go but he is the type that will be totally oblivious to everything that is going on. Talking to him doesnt help because we have been throught counceling already and how do u get a person who thinks conceling is bull to actually pay attention?

As far as the deployment having something to do with it, it doesnt. These were the same qualities he had BEFORE we married. He swore that he'd never do it again, and for a while he didnt. I dont buy that he was in trauma because of the "war" he worked in an airconditioned office behind a desk, and never left the post.

by the way, he abuses cough medicine...His theory is..its not illegal.

Answer 1

First off, you need to see the true facts. You say you and your husband are find until a friend comes around and can easily influence him, yet he does not get influenced at all during counselling & rebels and then almost got himself kicked out of the army. Sounds to me as if he has a mind of his own and is doing exactly what he likes doing with no real influence from any friend. Don't blame the friend, blame your husband for his actions. He is not listening to you because you have put up with it and have not taken any action against it other than complaining. Sorry, but the truth of the matter here is, stop doing what has not worked. You want him to listen, you want him to respect you, then your message should be, "no more", and mean it by your actions. Make a positive plan to leave or have him leave and do not call or contact him other than for issues regarding your child. Your husband obviously takes you as a pushover so it is up to you to show him differently. Game recognizes game, and he recognizes yours as just blah blah blah, time to take action. Best of luck to you!

Answer 2

Marriage is based on trust....... but its also based on mutual respect and admiration. He doesn't seem to respect you at all, based on what you've written here.... you ask him not to smoke weed, and he does. You ask him to be a dad, and he bails on you....

I would suggest that if there's anything here worth saving, you might seek out counceling. If he's still in the military, maybe you can get advice from a base counselor, or find a support group of women from the base who can help you.

I would also warn you that if he is neglecting your son.... should you leave him... he will then get visitation with his son that you will have zero control over............ that's a frightening though given that he seems to be ignoring him now. What if he decides to get stoned with his boy around? What would he be teaching his son about being a man at that point?

Don't wait............ get some help fast. And if it comes to leaving... hire the meanest lawyer you can find and fight for as much control as you can get..........

Good luck

Answer 3

It sounds like there are a lot of serious issues that you will not be able to handle on your own, nor with the help of "us". If your son was born at 24 weeks, I am sure he does need a lot of special atttention. Not a father that neglects him. You are fighting a huge battle here. I think I would ask the help of the Arny to get away from him with your child and get back home with your family. Let the Army deal with him whatever that entails. GOOD LUCK!!!

Answer 4

yah thats a huge thing to keep from you and most likely you now have herpies. the out breaks can be contolled but you are always supposed to use condoms and no oral sex . some people have been sued for non-disclosure of an STD after their partner got it . dont know what to tell you about the marriage accept that I know i would divorce because of that. what else is he hiding and did he get the STD before or after the marriage.. How do you know unless he can provide proof of a doctors visit where he was in fact diagnosed . howmany others has he spread it too... basically I would not be trying to have a baby with this guy and i would most likely start divorce proceeding or an anulment if it fits into the time frame

Answer 5

my brother is a veteran and my 3 cousins are in the army too i have heard some crazy stories, if his commanding officer does a drug test he will be kicked out they do not tolerate this. tell him all the possitives of the army as far as long term for you and your son too. but sounds like t me he doesnt have the dicipline and motivation to know how to handle him self. you two need counseling divorce is last option, i dnt believe in being miserable but talk to him about counseling if he refuses im afraid if you leave he may get even more out of hand. this is dangerous life he is living and i know its gotta be tough for you. he is so lucky to have this opportunity in the army, my brother did 6 yrs in navy he got a house for one dollar he is aveteran so he can get any government career like instabtly just because of being in the military. so reinerate the possitves tohim let him know all this traveling and stuff is a test and he has to be strong.
my brother was drinking alot after boot camp he did everything your husband did even starting having gambling problems overseas, my crazy sis in law came back and he shaped up. so if you need someone to talk too can email me hope this helped

Answer 6

Personally, from experience, you are not going to get through to him..... no matter what you do or say.

We all make choices, maybe not the best ones either, but he has made a choice and evidently does not respect you or the child enough to set a better example.

Marriage is based on trust... yes... and if you don't trust him now, is it going to get any better? I don't think so.... personally you would be better off, maybe a bit hard at first, but think about moving on. If he gets caught doing drugs, etc and child services ever were to get involved, you could lose that child.... who's more important ... him or the child who is dependant on you right now?
~good luck
~jennifer

Answer 7

You get through to him by leaving and telling him you will not be around a drug addict nor will your son. Until he cleans up with PROFESSIONAL help there is no marriage. You need to do this for not only yourself and child but for the big idiot who doesn't see it right now. If he loses his family maybe he will wake up. Don't except him saying he has stopped, make him go to where they help people like him. If he doesn't get the help then divorce him and start anew. Good Luck...

Answer 8

He already knows what he is doing is wrong. You shouldn't have to try to get through to him, because this is his problem. If he is being selfish, then he should be alone, especially if you have a child!

Marriage is love, respect, trust, communication and happiness. He is trying to bad mouth you, but he's the failure, not you!

It's really sad, but you have to get the hell away from him. You cannot stay married to a man that is making you and your child's life miserable. You have to save yourself and your son. You have to think more highly of yourself and with your self respect, pride and dignity, kick him to the curb. He doesn't deserve you! Good Luck

Answer 9

I would ask him to seek counceling with u if the drugs are serious maybe rehab of some sort your deff. the better person for being willing to help him threw this cause when my husband of 5 years turned to alchol everyday I ran my mom and dad abused alchol as I was growing up and the sme with his family after seeing what fools they make of there self when getting drunk I didnt want it in my life and once me and him had kids I decided my kids werent going to see what I seen growing up they and me deserve a better life and if he couldnt give it to us then I wasnt willing to stay with him

Answer 10

Dear if he is doing drugs and you can not get through to him, then you really do need to leave him. I know you probably feel like this is the easy way out, but you must think of the what ifs. What if he is trafficking them, they come to your house and they bust him with drugs? You do know that you are jeopardising your future too? You are jeopardising your future with your child. The feds will take you down with him if they catch you with him, or drugs in your home. They will take you to jail too, and your child will not only be taken away from him, he/she will be removed from you too. Go to safety with the baby. Let your hubby do his childish actions without you around. Remember the feds can get into your computer and find that you was aware that he was doing drugs and did not take any legalities for yourself or your child. He may have been in Iraq, I feel some sorryness for him. I am afraid that his mind is not in the right place, but you still have to remember that as long as you put up with his actions, then your mind is not thinking right either. Your childs life with you is jepordised. I know of a lady that her spouse got busted, she went to prison too because they found drugs on him in their home. She had never done drugs in her life. They even done hair folical testing on her. After all was said and done she too got 10 years in the prison for a crime that she did not commit, just because she was at the wrong place (in her own home) at the wrong time. She just did not want to give up on her spouse. This took her straight to prison without her children. So, please take your stand and either make him leave, or you leave and take your child away from taking the chance of loosing not only your husband, but the baby too. You can not trust him. He has to want to change. Sounds like he is just thinking of himself, and not you or the baby. Set him free to suffer his own consiquences, and keep yourself from loosing your child. I wish you the best, and pray you make the right decision for you and the child. Take your stand TODAY. Tomorrow never comes!