Looking for some advice about my marraige. Things are not what they used to be.?

Question

My wife and I have been married for nearly 7 years now. We are both in our late 20's and we have 3 little girls, one whome I've adopted from her previous marraige. We work separate shifts so there is no need for the kids to go to day-care. Here's the issues. The little time we spend together usually involves arguing about who did or didn't do something during the week. She has little respect for my feelings or the things I do to try to please her. I do all the cooking since she can't cook, when I dicipline the kids she undermines me in front of them, saying I'm too hard on them and lets them off the hook. I joined her faith of religeon and quit smoking and drinking a year ago. She's not sexually interrested in me any more. It's a once a month deal and it's more of a hastle on her end. Because of this all, my feelings for her have dulled. I'm not ugly by any means and she fears I'm going to leave her for another girl when there is no other girl. Do we try counciling?

You need to understand sex is not the issue. It's the arguing, the hurt feelings, the way I feel like I'm wrong all the time, the way I retaliate by hurting her feelings back....you guys are right, the children are #1, but her and I try to talk about this and it always winds up being her thinking I'm attacking her personally when I know it's both of us. She thinks I'm the problem and I think we're the problem. This isn't fun anymore.

Answer 1

Sounds to me like there is a lot of built up resentment on both sides that is manifesting itself as arguments over petty issues. Something much bigger lurks under the surface.

You feel undervalued and unappreciated. Chances are so does she. This has a knock on effect and the intimacy you had has gone. This isn't about sex, as you say, it is about the affection and intimacy that a marriage needs, even if there is no sex. I would be willing to bet money that you two haven't kissed or embraced for a long time, and by that I don't mean a quick peck or hug. I mean a proper kiss and a proper embrace.

It's usually a snowball effect. When the resentment builds, the intimacy starts to go, which in turn leads to more resentment because each side feels the other is to blame, and has stopped wanting the intimacy, and so the intimacy diminishes further, until you are only having sex out of a sense of duty, and to make the marriage appear normal when you both know it isn't happy.

Like many have said here, talking is the place to start. Communication is key here. HOWEVER, there is only so much talking you can do. Actions are also key. Somebody has to make some changes here. Somebody has to make the first move and start to change, or all it will be is just talk. You have to be willing to make an effort. Both of you do.

So where to start? Well, set aside some time together just for you both. Get a babysitter if you can, if not, make a night in together. You must have time together without the children. This is essential. As long as you are together and having fun together, this is the main thing. Buy her flowers. Cook her a meal. Take her out somewhere. Make her feel special again. In turn, she will be more inclined to make that effort towards you.

It's clear you love each other underneath all the crap. You've just become stuck in a rut, and need a bit of a kick up the backsides to get things moving again.

:)

Answer 2

Oh yes man. That's a situation where she starts being controlling and loosing respect for you and you are now falling into the cliff and things start to get worse and worse, that's the beginning or first step of a divorce. Get a third party involved like a councelor to help you and she determinate what's wrong and try to move things from there. From just your point of view there wont be much you can do since you are 1/2 of the problem same as she is 1/2 of the problem, someone has to look at you guys from outside and see what's happening and how you guys can be helped, do it now before it get worse in the future since this I think starts escalating for what have heard and lived in my life. Your self esteem is being pulled down by her comments, even the strongest medieval warrior with the strongest muscles eventually will fall if his self esteem is being hurt, mean words hit straight in the tendons necessary to cut to make the beast or warrior fall and become misserable. This is just a way to express my point. You seem to have a great family and being on a great age with possibilities of having a great future and celebrate life with 3 children, things basically can't get any better, you just should fix that part and things will run smoothly, don't argue with your wife, it's pointless, she will always be right and she will always find a reason to make you feel bad, the mean in the relationship. Or the other thing is just leave that person since you don't deserve being treated with dis-respect, nobody deserves that, you already made that clear and let the other person decide. Just be careful, if the disrespect continue DO something, (a) counseling (b) get out, don't stay there or your energies as a man will be pulled away same as your finances by an eventually very angry spouse.

Answer 3

1. Is there a way she can stay home until the littlest one starts pre school or kindergarten? Perhaps she could babysit to make money?

2. You both could work the same shift, and get help from the state for day care... if you qualify... check into it!

My husband and I used to work different shifts, we only saw each other on the weekends... then, a neighbor lady noticed I worked evenings and began talking to my husband (she refused to associate w/ me) when he was outside smoking in the evenings... so, that was that! We moved to rent our first house (from the apartment complex) before she could make a move on him (I know this is what she was up to). Is there a lady you are becoming close to, is this why your wife thinks you have another girl? Think about it! Even a lady friend online??? just wondering... I see this alot these days... and let me tell you, if I found out my husband was getting close to some woman when I was not around (even if only online), I would ask no questions, he'd be outta here...! I would not even "accuse"... I'd kick him right out of the door... so if there is a lady you talk to while she is at work, you should stop now...

I really think the main problem here is the time you don't have together... you need to have more family time... and more alone time w/ her...

Answer 4

This will be the view from a guy who has been married for a long time. The women will not like this answer but it worked for me.
You sir, need to take charge of your marriage. You find yourself with a woman who has already demonstrated that she cannot stay in a marriage. Her method apparently does not work. it is time for you to establish your own method.
I think it would start with the explanation that you both are dealing with life in the best way you know how. As for who does what , when ,where regarding housework is a matter for negotiation NOT argument. You are both working, you are both taking care of the household and children on your own schedule. You are not one of the children and will not allow her treat you as one. She has adopted the its all about me attitude where you must do what she wants when she wants it. that does not leave room for any consideration in her mind.
It also sound as if she has adopted the Mom as martyr role where she feels that she holds the whole house together. If that were the case you should be on your way. It is not though and I suspect that along with the cooking you also do a big chunk of the marketing as well. Although she thinks it is all about her it really is not.
Where the children are concerned. They are your children as well. The number one rule of parenting is, PRESENT A COMBINED FRONT. There is nothing more damaging to child rearing than having one parent change the instructions of the other. THAT must stop now. If you discipline a child and she does not like it she WILL talk to you about it first. It is your instruction and the logic of it will be discussed with you before it is changed. How long do you suppose that it will be before children figure out that they can play you off against the other. The little darlings will figure that out very quickly and use it to displace your disciple into a fight between you. This is not a good idea and must stop.

Up till here it is all about the mechanics of the house. This is about the relationship. You have been attmpting to please her. It is time to stop. Pleasing her is not getting you anywhere because you cannot please a woman who has taken this attitude. The more you try, the less it works, why, because, the more she is ornery the more you try to please. If she stays orney she gets more effort from you. Staying that way is to her benefit. You need to turn the table on that one. If she is nasty about things you really need to be nasty back.
You catch more flies with honey than vinegar. Until she starts using some honey do not keep trying to please. This is the hardest change and will come with a lot of severe arguments until it gets through that you will not continue the way it was.

Last. As for sex, it is a big part of a healthy relationship. Once a month is a significant indicator that there is not much marriage there. It is on her to cooperate in bringing some intimacy back to your marriage.If she fears your leaving she really needs to examine why she continues to push you away.
Love and happiness are voluntary to some extent. Assuming the mortgage is not in foreclosure and the children are being clothed and fed, It could be worse. The old saying about counting your blessings is appropriate.
One blessing in life does not cost much, and that is the joy of a happy home. It only takes a little work.
You seem to have been giving and not recieving much. That is based on this side of the story. I'm sure there is another side but it seems that it is time for you to start putting some limits and conditions on your continued presence. You have to be firm and willing to put up with some fight to break the staus quo. You are fighting AS the status quo. I would make it very clear that this must change.

As for counseling, do you have the money for that? I know that when we attempted to go to counseling we found it very expensive and hard to schedule.

Answer 5

Work, stress, life, kids... it takes it out of you. Seems like the number one complaint of married men is the no-booty thing. Or they say the wife treats it like a chore, which is of course, not sexy. But why don't men think they ever have to turn a woman on? They act like because a woman doesn't have to get an erection, she doesn't need to be excited. Well, if all you want is someone who will just lay there and wait for it to be over, then sure. If not, put some effort into exciting her.

Probably she's not interested in you because she feels you are not interested in her. That's probably why she worries you'll leave her. You guys aren't spending anywhere near enough time together.

The problem here is that your lives are too separate. You need to arrange your schedules to spend more time together. That way you can get past the arguing phase and still have time to hang out and have fun, rather than just argue. The arguments may lessen over time as you do this or they may not, but at least it won't be: argue, go to bed. It can be: argue, watch tv, thaw out and then talk. Maybe even get some booty. But with no time together, this cannot happen.

Maybe she really DOES feel that you are too hard on them. People have different parenting styles. You can't really find out if you're both angry, though. Try bringing it up in a situation when you guys aren't arguing. And don't say, "You undermine me all the time!" Avoid stuff like "Why do you always..." and "You never..." Those are accusations. Try saying something like, "I was thinking about something and I wanted to ask you. Do you really think I'm too hard on the kids?" This will open up the conversation in a neutral way. If she starts to get angry, try saying, "Well, hold on now. I'm just asking. I want us to be together on this..." That kind of thing.

As far as whether she appreciates you, I can't really help you with that because I don't know if she does or not. People show appreciation in different ways and a lot of times, if someone is not showing it the way we would or how we think they should, we don't think they are showing ANY.

Good luck.

Answer 6

Two working parents with different shifts and 3 little kids -- that means stress on everyone. If you can afford it, have someone come in once a month to do some cleaning so you don't have to worry about it. Get yourselves organized so you have a schedule to get things done. Add to this schedule time for yourselves. If you can do it, have the kids go to a relative for friend for a day or night so you can reconnect. You need to fall in love all over again. Also add to this schedule time for marriage counseling. You'll get assistance in how to communicate, how to bring intimacy back in your marriage, appropriate discipline for kids and tools to help you de-stress without dumping on each other. Your marriage is worth saving, isn't it? A marriage takes work. Running away from it will only cause other problems for everyone.

Answer 7

Stop arguing about the little things. When you're with your wife give her attention hugs and kisses not arguments. When you want something done ask once and let it go. When you're wrong instead of saying something to hurt her apologize. I'm not saying it's all your fault but if you want a better marriage act like you have one. It sounds funny but it works. You should talk to her about disipline and get on the same page. Find a better job so she can stay home. Your marriage is like mine was when we both worked. I stay at home now and the only thing my husband worries about is going to work I take care of everything else. Sex should be a top priority for both of you so take steps to make sure it is.

Answer 8

I would try counseling, it sounds like you are letting your hectic lives come between your marriage, you need to seek counseling and to have someone give you and your wife the tools to work with to make your marriage survive.

You both need to sit down and remember why you married eachother in the first place, do not let your hectic lives come between you.

Communicate now, before it is to late, and before you let this all grow and fester inside the both of you!

The longer you do not talk about this, the more it is going to tear your marriage apart, I do not think that both of you want this to happen.

Get counseling, for the sake of your marriage and the children, and yes, the children are sensing this and they are suffering also, the children always do, the parents think they are the only ones suffering, but take another look, and look at your children and their behaviors, and their moods, and when you look at them, can't you see the suffering and the sadness they are carrying on their shoulders??

Get help now, your children are too young to be carrying the burden of YOUR PROBLEMS on THEIR shoulders, they should enjoy being children!

They are too young to handle adult problems.

Answer 9

Sounds like a very difficult household. If she fears losing you, then why doesn't she try to get on the same page as you? Well, yeah, I know...it's a two-way street, but from what you're describing her (although there are always two sides to the story), she seems, as you said, undermining and also unwilling to compromise.

I would discuss every issue you've brought up here, even the sexual stuff. Maybe she doesn't like sex because she fears getting pregnant again and feels like three children are enough.

Answer 10

Yes! Try counseling. Preferably with a counselor who is PRO-marriage and PRO-family! Believe me, there are therapists out there who are not out to save marriages but out to save individuals.

I'm not an expert, but it sounds to me like you've got a break-down in your communication. She may, for whatever reason, feel overwhelmed to be so young herself and have 3 young children. However, I don't know the dynamics of your situation and I am sure that there is more to it than meets the eye, which is what necessitates the counselor.

I hope you have the chance to sit down together and talk this through!

Blessings to you...