Leave? Stay?

Question

Ok, so I've been married for 11 years now. Since year 2, I've been begging for attention, asking for help, trying to make him see I'm here for more than laundry, homemaking and (now) childrearing. He's a good man, but never taken any interest in any project I've tried, and the last time I told him we had problems and I needed to at least have more than a word with him, because someone else had become interested and I shouldn't be looking forward to that attention, he shrugged me off completely. Rejected more than too many times both sexually and emotionally, I eventually told him I want out. NOW he tells me we can work it out, and will NOT accept a divorce. I want to move on, but see my child happy with his father and it tears me up to walk away, yet staying makes me feel like I am loosing my mind. I would be happy if he had someone else. I really would. So what now?

As additional info - I have sat him down and spoken, I have called in the family and asked for help, I have suggested counselling which he always refused and in all these years he has never introduced me to a single "friend", we have no friends we mix with and we never, ever see anyone but the immediate family. He is not interested in meeting or mixing with any of my friends either.

Answer 1

I also think that if he MEANS what he has said, and will make an effort to compromise, it is worth giving it a try. My (ex) husband always came up with this on the many, many times I tried to leave - he was going to go to counselling, he would do anything and everything - until he had won and I had stayed and he never, ever changed. He was always away from home, always flirting with other women - I always believed that "there was nothing in it" - . It was a miserable marriage and when I finally had proof that there was "something in" the last time - I finally did leave. But even then - if he had joined me in some sort of counselling, I would have stayed. But no, he would never do it.

Answer 2

So basically everytime something gets hard the answer is to leave? What are you teaching your child? When things get hard quit. Sorry honey Mommy and daddy quit on marriage because it was too hard.

Life is hard you married him not deal with the for better or worse. I have no sympathy for you really I don't.

Your question should be not whether to stay or leave it should be how do I fix my marriage. Yes your husband doesn't understand you and probably does selfish things at times. But listen to me you married him that was your decision now deal with the pro's and con's if you want more outof him then it's time to do something about it. If he won't listen to you get more people on your side make him feel pressured. Tell him you want this to work and you love him but you want him to be liek when you first met him. "Where is the person who made me fell in love with him not so long ago"? Fight for your marriage don't give up. That is easy and it teaches your child the wrong lesson.

Answer 3

This is ABUSE. I have been there and managed to transform the relationship from hell to heaven. I now help other women to do it. Or he may leave you, which will give you the freedom to build up your life.
You must take control of your life and become strong!!! This is life saving. Otherwise you will end up in the same situation even if you start a new relationship.

Please urgently read "Why Does He Do That" and "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" (see amazon)
These books will clear the mystery behind his ugly behaviour. Once you know the enemy he will no longer be so frightening. You will also learn how to recognise the slightest form of abuse and stop it on time before it turns into a horrible put down.

At times he may be nice to you and you thinks it’s over, he has changed. Please do not fall into this trap. Please do not delay as this only gets worse over time and often ends tragically for the woman (you can be mentally or physically destroyed).
I can tell you much more. Please fell free to email me.

Answer 4

You may have had these problems for a long time but don't you think you owe it to yourself and your family to at least give it one more try. Maybe he wasn't responsive in the past but now he is willing to try and work things out. People are to quick to get divorced. If he is a good man and you loved him at one time then I am sure that you can love him again. Don't be in such a big hurry to run off and jump into another mans arms.............. If he is willing to try then at least give it a shot, If it still doesn't work out then at least you can say you tried everything possible to save the marriage.

Answer 5

OMG, that sounds like me 11 years ago!!!

I was in your same spot!!!

Long story short, I took my daughter while he was sleeping, and I left him, I was exactly in your shoes, and I was either going to have an affair on him, or my other decision was to take my daughter and leave and move upstate with my family so they can help me raise my child and I can have a life of my own. It takes a village to raise a child, and like you, everything I did, he took for granted, I threatened to leave, many, many times and he did not believe me, until one day, I just did!!!!

I was even suprised!!!!!

My daughter and I left, I moved upstate, and got a house and a job, and I was so happy, I felt like the burden was lifted off of my shoulders!!

I filed for a legal seperation, and I let him have visitation with our daughter, and during that time, we got to talking, and it took many months, but I guess the seperation worked, becuase long story short, we talked things out, he changed, and I never stopped loving him, I just hated who he had become, well, he changed, and we reconcilled our marriage, renewed our vows, and now we will be celebrating our 16 years of marriage this February!

Answer 6

i would try marriage counselling first....but if u know that u arent happy, DO NOT stay with ur husband for the sake of ur child.....staying with a man that are not happy with will only cause problems for ur child and their views on healthy happy relationships. fighting in front of ur child will only reinforce this behaviour i ur child. If u work out shared care with ur husband giving ur child the oppotunoty to see both u and ur husband whenever they want will make their life much more easier. It will hurt at first, but as they grow they will get used to it and understand it.

Answer 7

Try marriage counseling first for the sake of the 11 invested years, and your child.

Answer 8

How about a trial seperation see how you feel without him, but reading between the lines it sounds like your very unhappy and you already made your mind up, or you wouldnt be asking the question at all

Answer 9

You said it yourself he is a good man, your not going to find another good man....your fooling yourself to think your going to get another great marriage, he if is trying to work it out he is not shrugging you off....just relax all marriages have problems, yours are not that serious.....the grass always looks greener on the the other side...

Answer 10

I would have suggested counselling, but since he is refusing that, he is not geniune about wanting to improve the marriage. You have wasted enough time already.