My sonnet/poem is horrible. Please help me fix it a little.?

Question

Our homework assignment was to write a sonnet just like the example. We we're to start the poem off "Shall I compare thee to _________" Every other line in the poem must rhyme (except for the last two lines which must rhyme together) and each line must have exactly 10 syllables. The poem is to be reffered to someone you like/love, real or imaginary. This is about my girlfriend and I am a bad poem writer so please help me fix it. Here it is:

Shall I compare thee to my favorite song
The sound of you is soothing to my ear
I want to listen to you all day long
You are the only one I want to hear
I am so grateful that I had found you
My life without you would make me lonley
I feel so radiant when around you
I want to be with you and you only
You're the greatest thing to happen to me
You're perfect and could never be replaced
I could stay with you for eternity
So you're the one I decided to chase
This is really how I feel about you
I could never really live without you

So basically just help me fix the poem. Whether I need to change adjectives or switch lines around etc. Please do not hold back tell me everything that is wrong. I think some lines are to plain and dull and too cheesy/corny. Which lines just do not fit in the poem? And if you could could you write me to more rhyming lines that refer to a favorite song as well as a lover. Thanks for all your help!!!

Answer 1

the first line sounds like a rip-off of shakespeare's "shall i compare thee to a summer's day" :P.. umm.. instead of spelling everything out.. you could use a few metaphors.. or one that extends through the entire sonnet.. + theres too many 'I's and 'you's

Answer 2

Hmmmm, well, it's a very sweet poem.

Some tips? First of all, I don't recommend rhyming the word "you" with the word "you" which is done a couple of times. Also, there are a couple of lines which could probably be rephrased or even rewritten due to being a bit cliche or as you say, "cheesy". Examples: "I'm so grateful that I found you" and "You are the greatest thing to ever happen to me". If you are really stuck, you might want to go to this website: http://www.rhymer.com/ and type in the word "you" (or whatever word you are working with). You will get a whole bunch of words that rhyme, and you might be inspired by some that you see. Also, instead of explicitly saying so, try using metaphors to SHOW (with words) how she makes you feel. Do some research online for inspiration: http://www.wikihow.com/Write-a-Poem

I think you have a great idea here; I like your second line a lot. Best of luck and keep writing. You are on the right track. :)

Answer 3

You need to extend the comparison of the first line (your girlfriend = your favorite song). Think about how she's like your favorite song (or any song) - does she have a beautiful laugh? Does she make you feel like dancing? Does she brighten your mood? Do you want to shout it from the rooftops? Work images like these into your sonnet to make it unified - it's really nice that she's the greatest thing to happen to you, but how does that compare back to your favorite song? Once you start exploring the comparison, I think you'll be able to come up with a lot of imagery that doesn't feel so trite and rote.

For example, this might be something I would do with the first stanza:

Shall I compare thee to my favorite song?
The sound of you is soothing to my ear;
I play your voice inside me all day long--
Your laugh, the only tune I wish to hear.

Even though this is a class assignment, it would rock your girlfriend's world if you gave her a copy. If what you've written is from the heart, she won't care if it's not Shakespeare :)

Answer 4

It's not as bad as you think. The first four lines are the best, because in those lines you stick to the comparison between your girlfriend and the song. After that, the poem still talks about how much you love her, but the comparison gets lost. It would be better if you could keep on talking about your love in terms of musical images.

Think about the different ways you respond to a song. If you're listening to it on your iPod, you might feel like dancing, or you might just want to close your eyes and drift with the music. If you're at a concert, you might leap up onto your seat, cheer wildly, hold a lighter overhead. Now think about your girlfriend and the different kinds of moments you share. Sometimes being together feels gentle and floating like a soft melody. Other times it feels wild and passionate like a driving dance beat. Think about all the different elements that combine in a song -- the rhythmic drumbeat, the power of the guitar chords, the meaning of the lyrics, the singer's voice, which might be deep and booming or might hit clear, high notes and seem to hold them forever. Can you find ways to compare those things to aspects of your relationship with your girlfriend? Maybe you can say something about the way her body moves when she walks or dances, the way you can feel your heart beating when you see her, the feelings that sweep over you when she holds your hand or kisses you or when you just gaze into each other's eyes.

You're on the right track. Strike up the music.

Answer 5

Actually, it's not that bad...after all, you're doing this as a part of English (I'm guessing here) class in order to learn about these things. Try this for line #13.... "The sun, moon, stars rise and set around you" And maybe follow that up with line #14.... "The world would lose it's wonder without you." Good luck.