Lying husband?

Question

Last year at this time, my husband and I went through bad times, and he hurt me alot. He got sent back early from Iraq because of it, and almost got kicked out the army. As the months passed things began to get better between us and I let my guard down just a little. His friend returned from Iraq 3 weeks ago, and since then things have been bad. He is smoking weed, abusing pills, and neglecting our son. I have had it..I try to talk to him but nothing is getting through. I asked him not to do these things but instead he does it behind my back. Game recognizes Game..So I know whats going on but he denies it. To redeem himself he brings up things I did wrong in the past. I just want our family to not fall apart, but he is not hearing me. What do I do? I really want to leave because I feel like I am being totally disrespected and tired of constantly being lied to. Marriage is based on trust, I feel like if I cant trust him then what is that for a marriage? How do I get through to him?

By the way him being a soldier isnt an excuse at all, because of his situation he sits at a desk ALL DAY doing absolutely nothing! Maybe assembling a TV stand at a non-deployable unit but no real work. This is not a soldier!

To me he is unstable, because he once told me that he wouldnt smoke weed again because of our new life, as soon as his friend came home all of that went out of the window. I'm not going to cut him no slack because when he was in Iraq he did nothing, but work in an airconditioned office behind a desk and never left the post.(he even told me himself) so as far as fighting for his country I DONT THINK so! He just didnt want to be there so he acted like he was crazy to come back home early...On that note, he gets no sympathy from me.

Answer 1

Just because he has the title of husband and father doesn't mean he has the ability or has earned the titles.

He sounds like a loser, and the needs of your son need to come above all else.

Ideally kids need a 2 parent household, but they need a loving, attentive, caring, stable household more, and if he is a detriment to that, it's time to let him go, especially if you have already talked to him about it.

It could be the destruction of his marriage and losing his son (you certainly need to fight for full custody as you don't want you son staying with a pill & pot head) will cause him to wake up, but you can't and shouldn't wait and see if that happens.

Answer 2

If you have family you can stay with, take some time away from him. Regroup and gather your thoughts before returning. If his behavior is a pattern - then you know once you get over this hump another one is more than likly to rear it's ugly head again.

I've always believed that life is to short to be miserable. People will say that divorced parents are hurting their children but I tend to disagree. Let me raise my child in a home where my spouse is abusive, uses drugs and could possibly take his anger out on a child. No way! Your son is the single most important thing in your life and his actions are not of a dad, a father or a role model.

Find a divorce attorney or a paralegal to file a dissolusion of marriage. It will be both the hardest and best thing you can do for your family.

Answer 3

He needs a reality check and sometimes tough love makes people realize what they are doing is wrong and something needs to change. Your son needs a better role model than someone who is smoking weed and abusing pills so make sure your husband never does such things around your son. Try having one last talk with your husband and let him know that you can't handle him using illegal substances and acting as if he doesn't care about the family- tell him if it doesn't stop then you'll have no choice but to leave because you have to do what's best for yourself and your son. He may get angry and act as if he doesn't care, but when he realizes he has lost you and his son because of him being irresponsible then he will change- it may take time though because drug users will only change when they are ready to.
Good luck to you!

I've been in a similar situation so if you need to talk, feel free to send me a message hun!

Answer 4

i feel for you-my husband and I are dual military and it is not easy having a family in the military. It seems as though your hubby may have a lot of issues he's just not dealing with. I think this because my hubby has the same prob at times but he drinks instead of doing drugs. The only advice I can really give you is to not let him manipulate you by letting him turn things around on you. If you are in the right then you are in the right-he probably feels inadequate and takes it out on you by pointing out past mistakes. I don't really know the whole story between the two of you so I can't say. Anyway-if his family really means anything to him he will eventually straighten up-try to have faith and remind him that he has a son who needs him. Just be strong. Good luck with everything.

Answer 5

Your husband came back from a war zone. The question you should be asking is, Did he have this problem BEFORE going to Iraq.

IF he did then there is not much you can do to change his ways. Be prepared to live a life with out him. Trust is something very important in ANY relationship.


IF he did not, then something that happened in Iraq has changed him. War changes people. Watching children, friends, comrades die in a brutal way is destructive to all but the most hardened of humans.

IF his actions are because of Iraq, then getting him help, via the VA or some counseling is what he needs. I know it is hard on you and your child but If he was a good man before the war, then its something that happened to him there and for you to abandon him because it is hard on you, shows a lack of trust on your part to him......remember the words for better or worse.

Do not put you or your child in harms way but do your best to help this man find who he was before the war.

If he was this way before and you married him then, you should know you can't change someone. Only they can.

Answer 6

I'm a military wife, myself. But, not Army... Navy. There's a big difference. My best friend, however, seems to be in the EXACT situation. Iraq changes people A LOT. It takes a very very long time. But, you need to be able to protect your family (especially your kid). He can't use that as an excuse forever. Go to marriage counseling through the military. It's free. It does help. My friend is doing it right now. Her husband is an EXTREME case. Good luck. Hope you can convince him to go, if that's what you decide to do.

Answer 7

Sounds like your husband brought a lot of baggage back from Iraq...and it's a heavy load for your family to tow. He's an addict now. You can't win the game if you don't play. Beating addiction can be a life long process, but it can be managed. Set some boundaries and go for it. Or walk away and move on.

Answer 8

Honey me and my boyfriend of 7 years have been through the drug issues as well. I have tried everything I could think of to get him to quit. Talking to him about it. Of course they lie. Until you catch them and they cant deny it. And catching them is by luck or because they slipped up. I have tried giving an ultimatum. They tell you what you want to hear. Lie to your face just so you will let it go. And you do cause you don't want to lose what you have known and worked so hard for. It sucks to start over. I have looked through his stuff and his phone. And when it gets to that point....It is not worth it. They have to be the one who wants to quit. You cant make someone do something that they are not willing to do for their selves. If he doesn't feel like it is a problem then he wont quit. If he likes it he wont quit. When they are under that type of influence it is hard for them to see the reality until a change occurs. And it may take you leaving for him to realize. And if he doesn't then it was not meant to be. No one says it will be easy. You have to have a support group around you if you do decide to leave. If he is not willing to try then he is not worth your time. I know this is not what you are probably wanting to hear but I hope it gives you a little hope.

Answer 9

First of all you have to make up your mind and stick to it. Either you try to make it work or get out. Those are the 2 choices. There is no answer when you question love. Either you love him and want it to work or you fell out of love and it won't work. I know it is hard when you have a man in the service. It is very hard to explain. Those are his brothers. Three weeks is not a very long time. As a military wife try to understand him in what he tries to tell you.Love him when he comes through the door. Don't interrogate him every time he sees you. He needs your loving arms, after being around his brothers and their horrid stories. I know it's hard. It takes patience and good integrity to be an Army wife. He does love you. Don't let your past anger catch up and ruin your marriage.I Don't think he is cheating on you at all. I know it's hard to bite your tongue. Just be positive and loving to him every time he's around. As long as you keep making accusations it will create conflict, anger, and violence. Even chase him away more. GOOD LUCK! Remember you make that choice.

Answer 10

Cut him some slack. He's been fighting over in Iraq. Thats terrible. He's probably seen some nasty s*** and needs the weed to cope. Besides theres nothing wrong with weed. Try to communicate with him. Don't be a nag, be his BEST FRIEND! that will be more effective. If that don't work get counselling