My husband, by his own choice, does not like to hang out with his family. He's always hated going home for the holidays, but in the last few years he has chosen to see them even less than before. He has bad memories from his childhood, is going through therapy to deal with all of the abuse from his past, and I get the feeling that he wants a break from them either until he sorts everything out in therapy, or maybe permanently, I'm not sure.
However, his family, predominantly, his mother, thinks it's all my doing that they don't see as much of him as they used to. She has accused me of 'tearing their family apart' and trying to keep him from her. Initially I was neutral on whether or not he hung out with his family, but all of her carrying on and accusations makes me see why my husband chooses to be distant with them. Anyone else with this issue? How do you let other in laws know that you are not to blame?
2007-11-15 10:49:59 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
It's kind of funny, I didn't really care much about them, until they started in on me, accusing me of ruining their family, and now I feel defensive and like I need to defend myself somehow, because mother in law is telling everyone what she thinks about me and it's all not true. So I feel like setting the record straight. Perhaps I should just stay quiet? I don't know, I've never been in a situation like this before, but I feel under attack and I'm upset about that.
2007-11-15 11:08:11 · update #1
This is manupulation at its worst.
The beauty of it, is you do not have to play into it, be part of it, or even so much as respond to it.
When she starts in on you, just remind her that you are his wife now and there is no room for another woman in your marriage. Remind her also that what happens in your marriage is, point blank, NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.
Tell her you are sorry she feels the way she does about you, but that is something she will have to learn to either live with, or seperate from you by her own choice. This puts the problem right where it belongs, on her. She is the one who caused the problem and it is up to her, not you to fix it. All you can do is offer love and friendship.
If she won't accept that, then it's her loss.
You have nothing at all to be afraid of by standing up for yourself! In fact, by doing so, you create a boundary line that she may not cross with out serious consequences. The consequences are of your choosing such as not being allowed in your home. Its sad that some inlaws have to be so darn nosy, and controling. But, they can't control you unless you turn the wheel over to them.
Not standing up for yourself and allowing such behavior to continue from her, is setting yourself up for a life time of misery.
Then the decision is hers as to how to treat you.
Your best bet is to by a book called "Boundaries: when to say yes, how to say no". This book changed forever the way I allow people to treat me.
2007-11-15 11:46:37 · answer #1 · answered by latebreakfast 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I read this and I swear word for word this was what I went through when I was married. My husband (divorce currently pending) has never really had much of a family life with his family. He also went through some crap with his mother when he was a kid and teenager, then young adult. I mean growing up they did a few family outings and also spent holidays together, but it wasn't because everyone adored eachother. It was almost like they did it because that's what familys are suppose to do. Kinda like "going through the motions". Well he and I got together when we were 22. Got married and had a child. During our marriage he ALWAYS preferred and wanted to be with my family. He loved my family. Holidays were with my family, weekend trips, vacations. You name it, it was all about my family. He even had a better relationship with my parents than his own. Well his mom started the whole "ever since he got with HER" bs. And I was like NEWSFLASH lady. He can't stand YOU!!! Long story short, he and I are divorcing now. His mom I'm sure is happy about that (9 years later), although he still can't stand to be around her,,,and I'm not even in the picture anymore. But I did make it a point at one time during our marriage that we don't visit often because her son doesn't want to. I told her that I tell him we should go visit more often but he chooses not to. At that point she realized what the truth was. I think she really knew it was my husbands doing but she didn't wanna believe that her son would resent her so much to not visit her like a son should.
If I were you I would call her and talk to her about it. This isn't YOUR fault. Or even have your husband inform her that she's misunderstanding what's really going on. I think you or your husband, maybe even both need to clarify this with her.
2007-11-15 19:08:18 · answer #2 · answered by grneyedgrly 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I've been married to my husband for 10 years now in my mother in law never like me,because I had a child from a previous relationship and also she didn't take care of him when he was a baby and I believe my husband resented her for that as well because she have other kids.
but I don't really care about the woman anyway she doesn't called our home but her son cell because she doesn't want to hear my voice that fine with me because after all my husband and I have a very good relationship and that all I need
2007-11-15 19:02:02 · answer #3 · answered by jolie minouche 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Mine not quiet so harsh but I have heard little remarks about how my husband would come home more if he didn't marry me but they live in a different state and we have to pack up a baby and I am always saying lets go see your family and he is like no I need to get some work done! So its totally his fault and plus why can't they ever take a turn? The Road we take there also comes here its a two way road you know?
2007-11-15 18:55:36 · answer #4 · answered by Amberlyn 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You can't. They will always see you as the bad guy no matter what is said to them. Even if your husband confronts them and tells them why he no longer wishes to be in their company. They will blame that on you too. Just talk to them as little as possible, caller ID works great, so that you do not have to hear it. Your husband is doing the right thing for him and they will never understand that because in their eyes they have done nothing wrong. Hold your head high and remind your husband often that you appreciate the progress that he is making and support him fully.
2007-11-15 18:57:19 · answer #5 · answered by firemouse23 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I had this issue exactly with my ex husband. he was embarassed by his sisters and avoided them like the plague. His father was very domineering and so he tried not to see him at all.
I was always nice to them, I smoothed over so many awkward moments....then after our marriage broke up, he went crawling back to them and everything was blamed on me. It was my fault he didnt visit them, it was my fault his sister was never invited to our home etc etc.
YOu are not going to win this one, ever, Just grin and bear it. You will be blamed for it regardless.
Before you came along, he was exlusively theirs....now he has another preferable option, spending his time and life with you....it is nobodys fault but they are going to always see you as the woman that came between their controlling selves and their son.
Good luck with it.
My advice would be...............move to another state!!!
2007-11-15 19:00:46 · answer #6 · answered by bluegirl6 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well lets see here: Um, you tell them what you just told us and don't hold back any punches. If they did what you said your husband told you that they did to him, then they need to be told the truth. Don't hold back either. It's your husband now and that means that you come before his family...You protect him and stick by him as he seems to be sticking by you. So what if you hurt their feelings. Look what they did to him...(smile)
2007-11-15 19:00:52 · answer #7 · answered by Fergy 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
is your mother-in-law my mother-in-law???
The more you defend yourself the worse they see you. Stand tall and dont let anyone put you down, but from personal experience I recommend you stay as quiet as you can (it will burn her up more than anything because she wont know what hit her).
Good luck
2007-11-15 18:56:44 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
For your husbands sake just ignore it.
It you let what she says upset you, you will vent to him or your mother-in-law and either way not good.
Just keep reminding your self that it was his decision and that you will back what ever he decides.
2007-11-15 19:12:16 · answer #9 · answered by Tonya B 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Just try and be nice the little of them you have to see. As for the blame just acknowledge and let it go. Argueing will go nowhere.
2007-11-15 19:05:38 · answer #10 · answered by ronnny 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋