How do you deal with a midlife crisis? I'm almost 40, married to a wonderful guy for many years, reasonably attractive, we have a toddler son (who is severely disabled from birth). Here's the problem: I can't stop living in the past. I obsess over how I can no longer go out and "party." I'm *very* bothered by the fact that men don't really notice me anymore. It is driving me mad. Recently I've also started obsessing over this guy that I dated about 12 YEARS ago...can't think of anything but him, even tried to contact him! And I love my husband very, very much. I just can't get over this feeling that my life is over. It is intruding into my life to the point that I am having trouble with day-to-day functioning. I've just started seeing a counselor about it (finally), but I'm just wondering if anyone else has gone through this? Especially the obsessing over this guy! It's ridiculous, but it's eating me alive.
2007-11-15 10:46:30 · 14 answers · asked by Gemini 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Wow - I really appreciate all of the good advice here! You guys are very insightful. Thanks for helping me put things into perspective (and thanks to the guys who explained the whole "looking" at women thing).
2007-11-15 14:26:19 · update #1
Well if I was you I'd build a bridge and 'GET OVER IT'! All of us age, its one thing in life we can't control. Jeez I'm 40ish (43) and am finding this age to be very pleasurable. Sure we don't go partying as much as we used to, sure life has slowed down a bit, it is now time to really start enjoying your maturity.
Start setting little goals for yourself, things like; lose a few pounds here and there, buy some sexy clothes, start/join a power walking group, get to know people of your own age and ask what they do to keep living the good life.
Start doing different things, jogging, walking joining a sports club stuff like that. Try to go to different places, do something you've always wanted to do but have always been to scared to do!
You can guarantee men are still looking at you, its probably that the men doing the looking are of the 'younger' variety.
The more that you try to see men looking at you the more depressed you will get. We men these days have to be discreet as to looking at women as sometimes it can get us in a lot of trouble. (They will be looking, men can't help it!)
Your life is definitely NOT over, its only just beginning.
Don't worry or obsess about that dude you dated 12 years ago, get out and enjoy life with your husband and child.
Life is for living, live it long, and enjoy every minute of it!
PS I/we also have a 18 month old toddler!
2007-11-15 11:05:14 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
I have a disabled toddler as well, and ever since I've had that to deal with, I have felt very stressed as well. I know how it feels to have a child thats not physically like everyone else. With that said, I have empathy for your situation.
You are obsessing over this guy because he probably excites you and gives you something happy to think about. Just try to be greatful for what you have, and I would leave this ex guy alone, its just a fantasy. Hang out with girlfriends and go out and have a good time, there is NOTHING wrong with that. I just got back on a birthday cruise to Belize with my best girlfriend from seventh grade!! No husbands or kids!! Maybe you need a vacation and a break. I came back more refreshed and able to accept my life and have the strength to work through it. Best of luck.
2007-11-15 10:59:41 · answer #2 · answered by Brittney 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
What you are going through is what every middle aged insecure person goes through.... a mid life crisis, the peter pan syndrome where you "won't grow up" you want to be young and dumb forever. Let go of the past, because that's just what it is, the past. Take a look at the great man you have and do new and exciting things with him and occassionally include your son. Be creative and adventurous with your spouse. Go camping. Go out on hot dates while you have a sitter avail. If no sitter is avail, then get really creative. Put the child on a set schedule, put him to bed early. Get hot for your man and have an nice romantic dinner and wine at home. Have each other for dessert. Do this 3x's a week for 6mths straight. That will treat your issue with your past.
2007-11-15 11:07:48 · answer #3 · answered by Hello Kitty 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
The thing is all women go through this at some stage....aka the aging/ men not noticing them as much, but I think that it is harder for a woman who was a little more attractive in their youth due to the fact they may have been getting more attention than the average looking girl.....and now that they have aged, they may feel like they get a lot less attention than they may have, image was and still is very important to them. What you need to realize though is that your youth may be going there are positives with most stages of your life, the thing is to look for them. There are also many attractive women out there in their 40's and beyond, but I still think most of them have to work at it.....and you might have to put a little effort into your appearance so that you, in yourself are happy with your own reflection.
Also being realistic and having a positive view of yourself, along with recognizing what actually makes you happy, if you say you love your husband....isn't it a little irrelevant what other men think of you? You need to focus more on what you have, than what you dont have.....you cant be happy if you continually focus on things that "may" or "may not" have been, but put your energy into what you actually have and who you are now.
As you stated that you were focusing on a man you dated 12 years ago, you have aged, and the fact is so has he, you might even be unpleasantly surprised to find that he is no longer the picture you have in your mind of him 12 years ago.
2007-11-15 11:09:41 · answer #4 · answered by jasmine d 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I'm 44 also. At 40 I thought I was going crazy. Now I see life as a new adventure and I am excited about what's in store for me for the next 40. I would advise you to do the same!
2016-05-23 08:02:18 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Lady you got it made and dont know it. you are only 40 you got a good husband, Im obsessing over my ex husband and its hard to control it but you can, (if you want too) Thank God for what you have and take good care of it. Try to imagine what it would be like if you didnt have , what you have.
2007-11-15 11:24:15 · answer #6 · answered by Fran M 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Just you and your husband do things to make time for each other. Take the time to go to friends and go out on dates. When you start having more fun with your husband you will obcess less with the old flame.
2007-11-15 11:01:43 · answer #7 · answered by ronnny 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think what you are doing is wrong, you need to get back to the relationship with your husband because he is the one for you and you have a child that will need you very much in the near future. Don't wreck your marriage over a past history.
2007-11-15 10:53:27 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
That is why it is called a mid life crisis. Luckly you are seeking help for it. There is nothing wrong with these feelings, but acting out on those feelings can cause pain.
2007-11-15 10:50:59 · answer #9 · answered by RedRabbit 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I think it's great that you have realized this is an issue that needs to be addressed ASAP.
Going to therapy is a great way to start getting better. Keep going and give yourself time to get better....Good luck!
2007-11-15 12:08:26 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋