Any ideas on how to get 'pocket money' out of your husband?

Question

We've been married since April 2007, and up until now (even while we were still living together before our marriage) he's always insisted on keeping and directing our finances (even though I was working full-time and earning more money than he did).

I never even get to see any kind of money - he doesnt even tell me how much he earns everyday (he now works for himself).

I am currently a stay-at-home mum with our three month old, and am quite frankly getting extremely fed up with his behaviour. We go to marriage councelling on a weekly basis, and even the councellor suggested that he give me a certain amount of money to spend on myself each week - but he hasnt done it so far. He even goes with me everytime I have to go grocery shopping, so that he can pay for it himself and he doesnt need to give me any money.

His opinion is that:

1) We dont have any money to spend on ourselves right now (even though he somehow managed to find the money to buy 2 gigantic Christmas presents)

2) He says that I am irresponsible with money, and cant budget properly (not that he can, either - I have opened several accounts with newspapers in the past few months in my name, to advertise with time - they're going into credit defaults as he hasnt been paying them. Im even defaulting with a bank loan because he hasnt paid that either).

I am getting so sick and tired of not even having the money to buy a coffee.

Ive thought about leaving him so many times, and if it werent for our daughter, I probably would have done it yonks ago. I even feel disgusted every time he touches me, Im just so angry with him.

How can I change his mind? Any ideas please?

I HAD TO hand over my pay cheque to him - he would just go belistic for days at a time if I refused giving it to him (Ive tried doing it a few times)

For the record:

1) I lived with him
2) I became pregnant
3) His whole attitude to money changed - thats when the money hoarding started
4) We got married

Pastor, I dont live in the UK - Im in Australia. I dont think OZ has advanced its laws quite that far yet, unfortunately.

I cant move back in with my parents. Its a long story - but to cut it short, my parents are divorced, i dont even know if my mum is still alive (she disapeared and I havent been able to find her since I was 12), and my fathers new wife would more than anything wish me dead (so that she can inherit his cashola once he passes on).

I dont think moving in with them is an option. Id have to go to a hostle for a while.

Answer 1

I have been through this. I have been with my husband for 4 years married 2 out of the 4, got married in April of 06. He did the same thing, took my checks, wouldn't give me money unless it was for our daughter or gas to get her someplace. He wouldn't let me buy new clothes when I needed them.

What I DID: I stayed working, I went behind his back and took some of the money and had it direct deposited into my own acct. In the end, I stood up to him. Told him that he was no better than I was with the money only that he made more so could pay more of the bills. In the end I won, I may have to pay daycare out of my own check but I refuse to pay all the bills.

What YOU CAN DO: You are a stay at home mom, you have a computer, go online and search online jobs. I found a job that would pay through paypal (you can set up an acct.) writing articles. It wasn't much, depended on how much you actually wrote. But it was great. I did the research online for what I didn't know. You have to find a way, when he does leave money around (may be wrong) or when he gives you some, put a little aside. Start hording it.

There is no way to change his mind. Not until you put your foot down and are ready to let him have it.

Good Luck!

Answer 2

You should be managing your own finances. Me and my parnter keep our money separate, having joint finances is a recipe for trouble. This way we each manage our OWN money and don't need to ask the partner if we buy something.

We still share the costs of many things, but we just don't jointly pool our money in one bank account. We definitely care for each other and spend money on each other sometimes, but you need to draw a line. You have YOUR money and he has HIS.

Why is he managing YOUR money?? Surely some of it at least must be yours? Does the government give you child allowance or anything like that?

Get involved in your finances, do NOT take no for an answer! Also talk to him about why he is not taking the counsellors advice, and bring it up next session.

He is isolating you and forcing you to be dependant on him! This sounds to me like the first stages of a relationship that could turn abusive, controlling everything you do. Be careful.

Also, you can tell him to cut back on his work, watch your child so that YOU can work, and tell him it is because he never gives you money. Or else make him pay for child care, since he is basically forcing you to go back to work.

Damn, you married a total asshole, I hope it gets better. I'd be thinking of leaving if I were in that situation.


EDIT: Oh my god he MADE you give him YOUR PAYCHECK?? That is emotional abuse! Leave him, your daughter deserves to be in a family with a man who RESPECTS her mother!!

Your kid is WAY better off without him. If YOU aren't happy, how will she ever be happy? He will treat her in exactly the same way. She deserves a better life and there is nothing wrong with her not having a JERK in it.

You'll be better off as a single mum, and you will be able to manage your own finances then. Seriously, he is ABUSING you. It might not be with violence (but who knows when it will start!) but it is still abuse.

(I've been phsyically abused myself and you NEED to get out of an abusive situation, you cannot change him, you CAN change your circumstances! LEAVE RIGHT NOW!!!)

Answer 3

If you lived in the states, you could with his type of behavior, go to court and get a court order to order the bank to give you the money you need.

I'm not sure what the laws are where you live.

I suspect you live in the UK.

I don't know anything about UK law.

I would tell him, not ask him, to return those two Christmas presents and get your other bills paid.

Or I'd seriously consider moving out and move back in with your Mum and Dad with your baby if that's what it takes.

He is a control freak and needs a good swift kick.

Your marriage cannot survive from what you've been saying.

Pastor Art

Answer 4

Sorry but it sounds like you won't be together long if you want to be happy. I would put my foot down now because it will only get worst. I hope you have family or support to help with the kids. You need to put money on the side in case you have to leave. If you get money for a gift, sell things on eBay or whatever way you can. He knows that he has all the control with all the money and what kind of person does not want there wife and mother of their children happy. If you have support and hep with your children put your foot down NOW!!! If not make a escape planning and start building a support system through a church, on line, woman group and pocket every cent you can get your hand on. Best of luck.

Answer 5

I don't know how you can "get it out" of him. The way most people I know do it is they have both spouses' names on the joint accounts, so both spouses have access to the finances - regardless of who usually "takes care" of the bills. If he is a saver, and you are a spender - this is something to address; perhaps your respective views on money management are mutually exclusive and incompatible. My husband and I happen to have very similar ideas on when to spend and when to save, and we've never had problems managing our finances; all our bank accounts and credit cards have both our names on it, although he is the primary breadwinner (he makes more than I do).

I didn't have to "make" him do anything - we discussed finances before we even decided to get married, and came to the conclusion that we wanted to combine everything; in fact, he insisted that it would be the only way he'd run the family finances - jointly. If you've been going along with "his" way of doing things the whole time, and you never put your foot down - how are you expecting to change things now? Sounds like you've missed your "window of opportunity" to make a stand. At the moment, you're financially dependent on him, and have no leverage except threatening to pack up and leave. Are you ready to bring up this possibility, or are you willing to keep putting up with "his" way? By marrying someone and agreeing to have a child with them, you're kind of signing a waiver in a sense; you are accepting this person's ways. It's very hard to change something as fundamental as money management style AFTER the fact. You may SAY that you want to be treated as an equal and to have access to the family finances - but getting married to him and making him the father of your child seems to convey a completely different message.

Answer 6

Oh that is not good at all....he is keeping you trapped at home and completely dependent on him financially and he is calling all the shots. You helped him be this way by handing over your paycheque when you were working full time. I'm not sure what you can do while you are still at home taking care of the baby, but once you go back to work (and you SHOULD) be sure to keep aside money in a separate bank account (that he doesn't know about) for when you need it.

Answer 7

If you wish to squeeze pocket-money from him-I'd suggest massaging the area in between the two front pockets while deftly slipping a hand and snagging the wallet. With practice with both hands-one could keep him VERY distracted whilst the other opens, removes a $50 and slips it back unnoticed.

Hell, i would know you're about to rob me and I'd still be too distracted to care if you did the above to me. Wanna practice? :)

And forget the hostel-you've intrigued me. Ever thought of an extended vacation in America?

Answer 8

Set a date (once, twice, or maybe four times per month) for him to give you a set amount of money. Tell your counselor that you have set certain dates, and tell the conselor you will be documenting if he pays late or not at all. Let your husband know as well. Then remind your husband the day before pay date to leave a check a certain designated place. If he gets frustrated and says "I know! You don't need to remind me" that's fine. Don't remind him next time. Make sure to write all this down, especially if he pays late or not at all next time. Your husband needs to learn to be accountable for his actions. It's only fair. You're both in this thing together.

Answer 9

He is tying you down and you are allowing him to do so. Don't the two of you have a bank account in both of your name? I would not put up with such nonsence. He is not allowing you to buy things that you want. I can understand not having any money and you are on a tight budget but for goodness sake you should have some kind of spending money even if it is only $20.00. I say get a job find someone who can take care of your child that you can trust. Put all your paycheck in your own account and start saving up to get out on your own he is controlling.

Answer 10

He sounds like a controlling asshole and I really think you should consider whether you want to live your life this way and have your children grow up with that as a model of a relationship! I'm outraged that a woman would allow herself to get into this position in this day and age; controlling the money like that is like keeping you as an unpaid servant. Get your sense of self worth back and leave the creep if he doesn't buck up his ideas pretty sharpish.

EDIT: I was just checking - you have a daughter and you owe it to her to either stand up to him or leave. You surely don't want her growing up thinking that it's okay for women to be treated like children???