English Deutsch Français Italiano Español Português 繁體中文 Bahasa Indonesia Tiếng Việt ภาษาไทย
All categories

My wife has 2 sisters. Both divorced. Her mom wears the pants in the house. 3 sisters live in other countries and they talk to their mom all the time but rarely talk to the poor father. I say poor because he has lost his 2 kidneys. He is really sick but they all talk to their mom all the time… Their dad was a money making machine for them.

My wife always tried to control me. I asked her more than a year to go to a counselor together. Finally we went to 2 different counselors but she did not show up the second time because she says: I am smart and educated and I know what is right!

Both of sisters got divorced because they love the way their mom is acting,. No man can handle it but their Dad! I want you to share your experience with me… My wife never thinks she may make a mistake and when you tell her about her mistakes she gets angry. She threatens, she screams…

She has filed a divorce as another threatening tool to control me. She thought after seeing the divorce papers I will say: O.K, I will be your slave and will do whatever you want but I am not going to do that.

Here are some of her controlling issues: She gets mad if I go to the gym, or play tennis with my friends (I was an athlete my whole life)…whenever we go somewhere she says: whey do you behave like this? Whey did you talk to her? What were you telling to her?? It is so insulting. I believe when I got married I am committed to only one woman and she is my wife. I never think I will be with somebody else… but she just does not understand. I lived with her for a year and a half and every day was like hell…

Do you think my wife can change? Just stop asking why and start enjoying life?
Oh, she is 34 years old by the way. She is beautiful and I am a handsome guy. I always trust her but I think she is very insecure seeing I get a lot of attention.

2007-11-15 08:53:48 · 14 answers · asked by mazyar m 1 in Family & Relationships Marriage & Divorce

14 answers

It may be that she doesn't have the tools and the support system to let go of control of things. A couple of links below on books that might help her. I suspect that she wouldn't take kindly to you giving her the link the Surrendered Wife - but you can tell her I recommended it and feel free to give her my email address and she can yell at me :)

I had serious control issues and have turned my marriage around completely.

There are some great support groups online (with yahoo groups). For you - go to yahoo groups and go to http://groups.yahoo.com/group/stronger_marriages_for_men/

As an aside- if she really wants a divorce, give it to her, but if she wants a happy marriage, she should be thankful that you care enough to ask online and she should admit she is a control freak.

2007-11-15 09:14:56 · answer #1 · answered by auntievenom 2 · 0 0

Many people who must maintain rigid control of others, are actually afraid and have low self esteem. They must control the other person because they cannot trust. They are afraid you will leave, find someone more attractive, engage in some activity they don't like...etc. They don't really like the situation but many times don't realize what they are doing. Controlling behaviour is a habit. Control can be broken. It is not a lifestyle that cannot be changed. In fact, most people who are controlling in their actions and behaviors want to change, they just don’t know how. The first step is for them to recognize that they have a deep need to be in control. Then they must see that it is not making anyone happy when they do. They must admit they have a problem and their behaviour needs to change. Then they must take the responsiblity to do so. An important part of change is developing humility. You must admit your faults and admit that you have alienated others, and that you are wrong. That is not easy to do. It make take the help of a counselor, but the main thing is to admit the need to change, and then do something about it.

2016-05-23 07:40:29 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

I believe she could change. Anyone can change if they are willing to!
Your best bet is to set down some boundaries on how you will allow her to treat you. Marriage must have mutual RESPECT for each other. This is a must for you both to be happy together.
So, make an appointment with her to talk to her about these exact issues.

Then, write down all your grievances and discuss these with her. Tell her how it makes you feel when she does this to you. Ask her is this how she wants you to feel? Is this they way a happily married, mutualy respectful couple would want their spouse to feel?

Tell her you DO NOT LIKE feeling like this and will no longer tolerate her berating you and accusing you another day. Then, stand your ground. Don't back down.

If you show her you will not tolerate it, and she really loves you, she won't have a choice! She will have to comply.
Give her consequences. Not having consequences just lets people continue the manipulation and control. The consequences are of your own choosing. An example would be, the next time you accuse me of ---, then I will leave the house and stay gone over night so I don't have to listen to it. Continuing to accuse me might result in me staying gone forever.

Her issues are within her self. It's not your fault and you didn't cause it. It's something she is going to have to work on.
If she is unwilling to take part in healing the hurt, then she will suffer the consequences of her own behavior.
Be loving and kind to her even though she is difficult. But, be strong and stand your ground when she starts in on you. It really is about how we allow people to treat us. If we are strong, we don't tolerate it.

2007-11-15 12:21:36 · answer #3 · answered by latebreakfast 5 · 0 0

Well you tried the counselling thing and that didn't work. You have told her how you are feeling about it and that hasn't helped. Controlling people rarely want to give up the control in the relationship. She has had an example of it from her mother. I think you are in a bad spot.
I put up with it for over 20 years from my dad and 30 years from my ex, then I woke up and took control of my own life and have never been happier than the last 4 yrs.
I think you better decide if she will run you for the rest of your life or if you want the control.

2007-11-15 09:05:18 · answer #4 · answered by oddbutterfly1 4 · 0 0

If she's filed divorce papers, just let it go and get the divorce. There's no changing some people...especially those who were brought up to be the way they are. She's taken the first step, so you should just do it and move on with life without her.

2007-11-15 09:04:35 · answer #5 · answered by misguidedrose18 4 · 0 0

My husband and a girlfriend of mine are control freaks, I let this drive me nuts, did EVERYTHING their way to whereas I do NOT want to get into an argument with them, so I go about doing things the way I have always done...if they don't like it tough s...t. I also believe if they want to do it there way, they start trying to control YOU, knowing you will get into a fight, they do this so you won't ever ask for help again.
Do it your way, terrible when someone tries to tell you how to do dishes, drive, park, do laundry, vacuum, I stop, tell them to do it.then, I get satisfaction out of it... drives them crazy, I love that part!

2014-08-09 04:20:43 · answer #6 · answered by Atsa me Atsa you? 3 · 0 0

It is time that you start wearing the pants in the family and start laying down the law. If you give her the right to ride you then she will. Stand up for yourself and be a man and a husband the head of the family.

2007-11-15 09:06:04 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

There's always hope, always a possibility that someone can change, but they have to be willing to change. Have you tried marriage counseling? That might be worth a shot. Sounds like communication is shut down....

2007-11-15 09:00:37 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

i dont believe people will change just to save their marriage.
you have no right to criticized how her parents' relationship with each others. even if they only talk to their mother it doesn't mean they dont love their dad. you dont know what they are thinking, do you.

this is only one side of story, it sounds like you are controlling also.

so to answer your question, yes I can live with a control freak, and your wife is living with a control freak also.... so can you.

2007-11-15 09:07:59 · answer #9 · answered by Kristine 3 · 0 0

No one of us would have to go. I do believe people can change. but must be willing to change. You must let her know that you married her not the family. You have got to wear the pants and do NOT fear speaking your mind.

2007-11-15 08:56:59 · answer #10 · answered by Sugar 7 · 0 0

fedest.com, questions and answers