My husband and I have had sexual problems for a long time. Or should I say I have had problems. I love my husband with all my heart, but when it comes to having sex... I want to until it comes down to it then its like everything just disappears. He is wonderful at everything he does and he keeps saying its not me. We MIGHT be able to have sex once or twice a month.I am worried that I am driving him away. And that if I dont get out of whatever I am going through he will find someone else. We have been married for 20 years.
2007-11-15 06:53:45 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
If he leaves you because of sex, then he wasn't worth it anyway. But DO NOT think he doesn't love you and if you love him then don't doubt him. Just have an in-depth talk to him about what is wrong and just communicate with him. It'll all work for the best in the end.
2007-11-15 06:57:34 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 5⤋
Congratulations on the 20 years.
Take a look at other things in your life:
Are there budget issues?
Is your house a wreck?
Do you have a dispute over children or parents?
How are you feeling in a day to day way?
I bet you are pre-menopausal. If you have been married for 20 years, you are probably forty or older. Get a few books at the library and read the symptoms of menopause. One in particular that is a good book on the subject is "This is not your mother's menopause."
The books will offer solutions/therapies for you. Even if you don't have the desire for the physical sex, don't be emotionally abstinent.
In the meantime, clean your bedroom. Get all of the "crap" out of your bedroom that doesn't belong in there. Spruce your bedroom up by decluttering the surfaces, change the sheets and bedding, vacuum and dust. You will be surprised at what a warm welcoming retreat you can create by taking some of that junk out of your room.
What junk am I talking about, the laundry baskets, the tread mill, the mountains of magazines or books, the scrapbooking projects or other projects that make clutter.
Do the same for the master bathroom. For more tips check out www.flylady.net.
2007-11-15 15:15:48 · answer #2 · answered by rt63376 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I can see how your situation would be rough on both of you, and as an objective 3rd party my thoughts are "how sad". I mean that very sympathetically, as you guys have been married for twenty years. That's a long time and an achievement as far as marraiges go.
It's sad because it would just be really rough to not be able to share such intamacy with each other. It's also sad because it sounds like it's been going on for awhile, since you are able to tell us that you guys are only having sex once or twice a month. So it's a least been a few months.
Without knowing any details of why your desire just dissapears it's hard to give much advise, but one piece of advise that I will give is for either both of you, or just you if he's not willing, go talk to a professional psychologist, marraige counselor, or sex therapist. By doing so, you are taking steps to repair and understand what is broken unstead of living in sadness and fear. making the decision to take action, and then taking such a proactive step is alone enough to begin turning things around for yourself and your marraige.
Best of luck!
2007-11-15 15:23:52 · answer #3 · answered by blujello 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you think your husband does not love you .. there is some reason that makes you think this about him.
It might be wise to find a doctor who you could talk to .. and see what is actually going on. It could be something medical .. like hormones .. or going through the change of life , etc.
If it is not medical .. then could it be something mental that has happened between you .. and the problem is still in existance?
WHAT .. makes you think he would find someone else? .. has he ever found someone else before? I know women whose husband has run around on them - and the lady cannot no longer connect with their husband in bed - due to to running around on them. This may not be your case.
You need to find someone to really, really, talk to .. to find out what is going on with you.
There is a reason for this. Another consideration is .. how long has this gone on? ... have you always happened to you? .. or were you once different when it came to sex with your husband? These are all important questions when trying to discover what is going on with you.
Since you say you feek like your husband doesn't love you ... is this feeling & thought so admant in your mind .. that you cannot respond to him sexually? ... and .. or .. does he do something to you that makes you think it is just a sexual thing .. and not an act of love?
Only you can answer these questions to discover what is going on with you.
It would probably be wise to discover exactly what you feel .. and why you feel it .. before talking to your husband about it.
At some point .. you need to know if he loves you. This may be the key that makes the difference.
2007-11-15 15:15:34 · answer #4 · answered by Tara 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Have you spoke to your Dr about it? Alot of things can be causing the "disappearing". After I had my last child it took me a while to get back into it and it did cause some problems between my hubby and I. I can't say that the feelings that you are having about him finding someone else didn't ever cross my mind either! It's very scary! Go see your Dr and let him/her know whats going on and see if they can help you out. Talk to your hubby about it and make sure you reassure him and let him know you care in other ways until you can get your self figured out.....Good Luck
2007-11-15 15:01:30 · answer #5 · answered by ryeeeeit 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your biggest problem is why have you lost your desire or libido. also you seem to be putting way to much thoughts and pressure on yourself when it comes to sex. You need to find a way to relax and appreciate that intimate moment between you two. Sex is not just that, it is a special moment of intimacy between you and the person you love. Look at it this way as a romance as a you/him time as oppose as to a chore or a must do thing, or just getting off. that is not the point of marital sex.
rethink your way and you will recover the fire in you. good luck.
2007-11-15 14:59:59 · answer #6 · answered by caliguy_30 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
OMG, I know exactly what you mean, It is very hard for him and you both I know. The trick that got me close to over my "problem" (b/c it's always there) is thinking about him all day and then go home let the laundry or whatever needs to wait. I put him first, do what it takes to keep me in the mood. I think dirty if I have to (hard to do or not) I have to stay focused on him. We have been married a long time to so I know exactly what you mean!
2007-11-15 14:59:18 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is something that needs to be addressed through therapy and a doctor. I have been married for 11 years and my sex life with my wife is rare. She is rarely in the mood. We have tried many things. Sometimes it gets better for a short period of time, but it always reverts. I have no answers. It is unfair to subject your husband to no sex if something can be done about it. Sex isn't a big deal until it isn't happening, trust me.
2007-11-15 15:00:27 · answer #8 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
If you have been married for 20 years, first of all sex shouldn't be that important to him that he would leave you, secondly he should be willing as well as you to sit down and talk about it and see if there's something you can do to spice it back up. You'll be ok, just don't go to extremes.
2007-11-15 15:01:33 · answer #9 · answered by tammylofgreen 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I seriously would love to help you because I can tell you feel desperate. However, when it came down to saying what the problem was, you said, "Everything just disappears." I have no idea what that means! I get this mental image that he turns the lights off, but I know that's not what you're talking about, lol.
2007-11-15 14:58:12 · answer #10 · answered by Happy-2 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
There are therapists for this. It is great that your husband is so understanding. While you may not "driving him away", it does affect the partner.
As you would about a constant cough, go to a specialist who can handle this. Seek a pro. In many cases, they can get to the bottom of why and give postive results to help.
Make it work.
2007-11-15 15:01:18 · answer #11 · answered by splashdesign238 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋