I just realized that it was truly over , what now?

Question

After 8 years i just realized that it was over . Where do I go from here. I have a 5 month old baby boy , and am a new single mom . I have to admit it is scary as hell . I have been tied down sice i was 15 years old am now 23 . I feel like i dont know anything else. I dont know how to meet people . Do any of you have any suggestions? Do you think moving out of state would do anygood ? What did you do ? ( if this has happend to you ) how long dose it take to feel normal againe ?

he is not the father of my son . For the last three years we had problems . He turned to drinking and drugs and i shut my emotions off . One day i had enough of mental abuse and i went out . I ended up having a one night stand , then my son was born . by the way i was 15 when we got together and he was 37 . Looking back i now see i shouldnt have been with him . I also think that was a lot of the problem

Answer 1

ahh its kind of hard to say how long it would take to get over a relationship like this, you have a child and you were together for 8 years.

i was in a relationship for a year and it took me a very long time to get over the fact that it was really done. it depends on the person. if you really loved him and still do then it will take a very long time to be back to your old self.

i'm also going to assume that he was your first love, and no matter what anyone says, you never forget your first love. ever. even if you find a second and third. a first love will remain in your heart forever, it does with mine as well.

it takes time but one day you will wake up and feel a weight lifted off your shoulders and you will feel happy, it's an amazing feeling and i can remember the specific day that happened to me.

i wouldn't suggest moving because you are just running away from your problems and just because you move doesnt mean that the feelings in your heart leave as well. everything you see, or hear, or smell will bring memories flooding back no matter where you are.

you probably feel very weird being single because you had someone for 8 years. the best advice i can give you is to go out with girl friends, get your mind off of all of this. focus on your child since he needs you even more than you would need a man, (men come and go no matter what you think)

also dont go rebounding into the arms of someone else, you will feel used and crappy. focus on all the good you do have in your life, a son, and you're so young! you have so much life left ahead of you to find someone new.

as for finding me, dont go looking, nothing good comes out of looking for them. they fall into your life when you least expect it. think about it, have you ever or has anyone ever found a decent "man" at a bar or a club?

good luck, ive been where you are, sans son however, but you will be fine, just as i was.

Answer 2

The most important thing you can do right now is love yourself and your son. Pour yourself into making a life for you and your child. Wait a while before trying to find someone else to fill the void. The healing process can be a slow and painful one but you can get through it. When you want to pick up the phone and call him, find a friend that will let you call them any hour of the day or night to tell you it's going to be alright and they love you. Start to look at all the things you have to be thankful for and think of this relationship as a learning experience. Don't move away. Running away from your problems never got anyone anywhere except for further away from where they started. Normal is overrated. If we were all normal the world would be an extremely boring place. There's no timeline and each person is different. You will know when your heart has healed and you're ready to move on. Take a break from relationships and be with those that love and care about you. They will get you through it and your baby boy will too. Let him be the most important man in your life for a while.

Answer 3

I have not been through this myself, but I can clearly imagine from how you describe it.
First, make a plan for how you're going to get solidly on your own feet: a steady income, a safe place to live, proper care of your little one, transportation. Learn how to make a budget and live by it.
I'd advise against moving just to move. The change of scenery won't help. If your ex is dangerous or there just isn't work, well, that's different.

You're not alone. There are support groups for new moms in almost any town. You might find a church you like. If you're breastfeeding, find a La Leche League group. Ask around - talk to other moms at the playground.

Your world has just been turned on its head. Maybe for an important reason. Take advantage of this time to learn how to stand on your own; don't be too anxious to leap into someones arms just because they say they'll take care of you and your baby.
But don't kid yourself - you have a very hard row to hoe. The life of a young, single mother is not an easy one. It will take courage, resourcefulness, and self-discipline. You can do it.

Answer 4

I would not worry about meeting someone right at this moment. Your 5 month old boy needs you so be the best Mommy you can be with out worrying about a man in your life. You are only 23 years of age why rush it. If you have a trustful person that can take care of your child so you can enjoy having fun with your friends a few times a month. The more you seek for a man the more he will see you as being desperate. Enjoy what you enjoy doing and eventually you will find someone.

Answer 5

Moving out of state will just put you far away from your life and any support you have, so don't do it. Get yourself involved in groups where kids are welcome. They can be hobbies for you, something like the SCA (http://www.sca.org) can be very family friendly; and you ought to be taking your boy to a decent playgroup. How you define decent depends on what you are looking for, of course. My daughter and I go to a Steiner group as I like the people and philosophy more than the group right next door to me. If you do a bit of research, you might find there are support groups around for single parents.
I think the major factors that need to be resolved before you'll feel normal again is that you are financially secure. This doesn't mean rich or particularly comfortable, but that you know you have enough to eat and get the rent/bills paid on time. The second is that you have a civil relationship worked out with your ex. That will make a huge difference. You don't want your boy to grow up with the idea that his dad is an useless b****** or anything, so it's better if you can feel, then express to him that his dad is a good enough bloke, and the two of you were good together once, but then you weren't, so it was time to move on. Once you've worked those things out, you'll be surprised how soon you will pick up. Men are a lot of work! Men you don't want are a lot, lot, lot of work! Get yourself a small place that you can keep baby-proof easily, so your time will be freed up for socialising. I do recommend going to an alternative type playgroup, or two if you can fit it in. The women in those groups tend to be more open to different people and less likely to get into the baby and husband comparing game. It's ok to walk in and say you are a newly single mum and you don't know how to do it yet. Going to a Steiner group, or something like that can give you a philosophy to incorporate into your child's upbringing, which can make you feel like you have a plan. A plan is empowering. Anyway, shop around for your hobby groups, and if you don't feel comfortable, or you don't feel your son is welcome, then try somewhere else. If you are on good terms with his parents, try to gain their support, especially his dad's, for keeping a relationship going between your ex and your son. If you have a defined picture of what kind of relationship you want them to have, it will be easier to actually achieve it. Let him make mistakes that don't matter. Some rules aren't to be broken, but kids can easily understand that they can't do X at Mamma's house, but they can at Daddy's or Grandma's.
You'll be ok :) Women are tougher than they feel they are.

Answer 6

You need to gather your true friends and family around you and figure out a fair visitation schedule. Now is not the time to be a stranger in a strange town. It is not going to be easy being an unwed mother but there sure seems to be a lot of them now days (you would have thought birth control would have taken care of that problem) I bet there is even a group you could join of unwed mothers all in the same boat.

Personally I don't think there is a thing a "feeling normal".

Answer 7

This hasn't happened to me, but most of my friends are single moms.
I was with my ex for 6 years and I finally said it was enough because I was tired of him cheating on me and lieing to me. It was like my whole world had crashed down on me. I didn't know what to do. Fortunately I did not have a child at the time.
It'll be hard, but you have to go on and keep living your life, if not for you, for the sake of your baby.
Moving out of state will not solve anything. It would probably make things more frustrating and hard for you. You would have to start all over, i.e. finding a place to live, a job, someone to watch the baby...
A good place to meet others that will be supporting is a local church. There are people there who will care about you and your baby. Most churches want to do everything they can to help you. Some churches have daycares & nurserys for childcare during the day. Some churches have what they call 'Parents Day Out' or 'Mother's Day Out". It's were you can drop your child off for childcare free of charge for the day and you get a day off for yourself. You can meet other single parents there too. If not, they would be able to help you find other single parents. Look around your town, there might be a single parents support group.
Also, go down to your local WIC (women, infant & children) office. Don't be too proud to go! They will help you. Apply for food stamps. Again, don't be too proud! It will help take some of the stress out of your life. Get a 1 or 2 bedroom apartment.
You're best friend is now your baby. He needs you and he'll always be there with you. It's amazing how good it makes you feel to know that someone loves you and needs you (your baby) and reminds you every day of why you have to keep going even when you don't want to.
If you have family, let them know how hard of a time it is for you. Maybe they can help you.
Google Child Care Management System (CCMS). Certain families qualify for free childcare at local daycares.
In my case, it took me about 7 years to get over my ex. I still think about him every now and then, but know I'm better off now.
It takes different amounts of time for different people to feel 'normal again.' Every day will get easier for you. There will be times that you just want to give up. I assure you it WILL get better. Stay strong for your baby and yourself.

Answer 8

there are government agencies that can help you and by the way if the baby is his as well,he HAS to pay support if you can get a lawyer or someone a friend. You were in the relationship too young and have no connection to how to get help a man cannot just walk out because he does not want the resposiblty.

Answer 9

Life is just about to began for you if you do the right thing. There's no need to move out of state, unless you are moving close to your mom & dad. Find a good job, a nice daycare, and make everyone know that you are a lady. Have a nice home, for you and your son. You and he dress nice. Show his dad you don't really need him after all. Less headachs, and trouble.

Answer 10

You have your finger on the solution. Be a good mother and be just as attentive and caring toward yourself as you are toward your baby.
Accept the situation and adjust accordingly, but moving out of the State does not sound like a solution in and of itself.
Start out by thinking of the basics. One step at a time. You are on the right road already by asking this question.