Can he REALLY not understand why I have a problem trusting him?

Question

My man and I have hard a time together for the last year or so. A year ago he cheated on me with an "ex" (even though he denied until April). After this, I found out he was still talking with her. Not to mention he was writing females explicit letters on-line on a daily basis from December until this August. He has been making much effort to correct his behavior, but he still makes jokes concerning him and other women (in a sexual sense I mean). Last night he says that I am so jealous of him and other women that if he had a pretty cousin and he was spending time with her...I would think he was cheating with her. I just think he's playing a game called "let's pretend I'm not in the hot seat, and I won't be" or something like that. Could he really not understand why I have issues trusting him and why the subject of him and other women is NEVER entertaining to me? It seems now that he's painting a picture of me as a "jealous psychotic woman"...WOULDN'T YOU BE CAUTIOUS IN SUCH A CASE?

Answer 1

I think you've summed it up pretty well yourself - instead of recognising that he's the one in the wrong and working to get past that, he's trying to turn things around and make out that you're the one with the problem, and belittle you and your (very valid) concerns about his behaviour.

I'd try to sit him down, and talk very, very seriously to him. If he's trying to correct his behaviour ('trying', you say? How hard can this be?), then he should admit that his cheating and online contact with other women is NOT acceptable, and that it is not, and never will be acceptable to be anything other than sorry about what he's done, and certainly not to make light of it and make fun of you by talking in such a way. Basically, tell him you don't find it acceptable, and want to know that he agrees with you on this. The way he talks about it to you shows that he doesn't really take what you say seriously, and that, like you say, he's trying to make you out to be some jealous lunatic, rather than accept that he's been totally out of line. If he can't even admit that and know when to shut up (ie that that is NOT a suitable topic for him to be joking about, given what he's done), then I think you have problems, as it sounds like he really doesn't think he's done anything wrong, and is just humouring you. If that's the case, I'd be ending the relationship if I were you...

Answer 2

You have every right to be hesitant on trusting him... And your right he is in denail of his actions. He thinks that since he has been good for two weeks that now everything should just be ok and you should stop bugging him about it. If you wanted you could hold that against him for the rest of your lives. Would it be fair to either of you.....probably not. You need to explain to him that, that he broke your heart and he lost your trust. Tell him you understand he's been making an effort to change but that something so serious can't be fixed so quickly, it takes time and effort not only for him though....He must try to show you respect and effort that he is trying and you have to give him that chance if you truly want to be with him....Hope all goes well, Good Luck

Answer 3

He knows what he did is wrong and he knows that your actions are valid but he rather say anything ridiculous to take the blame of him and see the full consequence of his actions. YOu need to talk to him without fighting. talk to him by telling him an action he did and then how that made you feel. NO arguing, accusing, blaming,criticizing, etc. just talk to him and tell him how u feel. Its important that he sees what his actions are and how it makes you feel. THen maybe some counseling would be good, even if you go by yourself. Also i know its hard but give him the benefit of the doubt. Let him have his freedom and see how he reacts. Don't pressure him let him be him and show you who he is. I mean don't u want to see who he really is and see how he reacts to things? So let him, give him his freedom and see what he does.. Let him carry out his responsibilities to this relationship and see how he wants to make amends. If he loves u, u will see change but if he doesn't love u he will show u again what an asshoole he is. Sometimes u intervining gives him the sick excuse that you are jeoalous or trying to control him or u want to fight etc.. but if u leave him alone the only one he can blame for his mistake is himself. Good luck honey and whatever happens i truly hope u are happy.

Answer 4

he is playing a game with you! he wants you 2 be jealous in some sick way of his it makes him feel wanted he likes when you get jealous! this man of yours it the type of person that needs a lot of attention i know this because my man used to be the same way until i started to ignore his little comments and started making my own comments on other men he did not like that at all! but when i started 2 show that i didn't care about what he said about other women he had to change his strategy on how to get my full attention.

Answer 5

He is putting the blame on you so it makes him feel better about himself. You decided you wanted to stay with him and he is going to take you even more for granted because of doing so. He has no respect for you and probably will end up doing the same thing. If he felt guilty about what he did he would not want to bring the subject up and play around with your head. He is twisting your emotions around in your head. You need to either leave this man or stick by his cockyness attitude. It is all up to you. I would leave!!!

Answer 6

I have been in your shoes, on more than one occasion, sadly.

He's making jokes because he feels uncomfortable and he's hoping that you will lighten up if he jokes about it, like it's no big deal. He DOES get your problem, he doesn't like it and wants it to go away.

What he doesn't understand, is it's NOT all ABOUT HIM, it's you too and if he wants this relationship to continue, he needs to start making serious amends on YOUR terms, not his. He did the crime, he can also take the time to earn trust back.

Answer 7

Most men just don't worry about what we women think. They want to do what ever they want and not have any guilt.

If he cheated - why are you even with him? He has shown you he has no respect for you. Don't you have more respect for yourself then that?

Don't be his doormat ............ there are lots of fish in the sea and I am sure you will find one that will treat you like the treasure you are.

Lose the Looser!

Answer 8

I believe ya'll need to really set down and have talk and tell him u not suppose to be talking sexual about others girls and you.that's disrespectful. how would he feel if you did this to him? But ya'll need to have a talk on a serious note before thing get worse. Yea he know why u having trust issues with him he just tryin flip on you.

Answer 9

Watch out for him telling you the next pretty girl you see him with is his cousin. He's understands but he doesn't care what you are going threw. I went threw your situation 2nd year found out she was still cheating. she had me believing I was crazy because. I saw the signs. but she lied to the point I didn't trust myself.

Answer 10

You do his *** like he does you. Start joking about yours ex's and bringing up how sexy someone is on t.v. Flirt a little while he's right there and then say what you talking about when he tries to check you. A little taste of what goes around comes around. Then you will see who really is the physco.