What should I do about my clean-freak husband?

Question

First of all, let me say, my husband is a wonderful man and father and I appreciate everything he does. BUT he is a huge clean freak and is constantly getting upset when anything is out of place. We just had a baby in May and I have gone back to work. We both work full time jobs, and share most of the household responsiblities. However when anything doesn't get done he gets so stressed out. I am a fairly good housekeeper, I try to pick up after myself and I always make sure the kitchen/dishes are clean. We have had a few fights because he gets upset that the laundry piles up. I told him I would make an effort to do better, and not to nag me so much. He is upset again because the laundry is behind (and he has done most of it this week). Instead of nagging me he is just pouting. What should I do....I'm going crazy! I stay on top of the other things, bills, cooking, shopping, the kitchen, taking care of the baby. I don't know what to say to him? Is this fair?

He does help out on a regular basis, but I feel like he doesn't give me any credit for anything I do. He just points out what I haven't done. It's almost worse now that he doesn't nag. He just walks around with a chip on his shoulder, and I am not sure what it's about. And when I ask him what's wrong he says "nothing". I just wish he could learn to relax a little.

Answer 1

It may not be fair, but that's not the issue here. If you wanted fair, you would divorce him and live on your own with the baby, because life with anyone other than yourself isn't going to be fair. However, I am NOT advising you to leave him!!!

My husband used to be a neat freak too. When things were wrong, he would retreat to another room and just not come out. To him it was a feeling of discomfort that he could not explain. He felt uneasy when the house was a mess. However, his ideas of "a mess" changed all the time. Sometimes it was something like clutter. He considered the pictures on the Living Room table a mess...even though everything was dusted. Once I took those down, he had a little bit more ease.

This illustrates that it's sometimes not what your idea of clean and a mess are, but what HIS ideas of clean and a mess are. I would ask him to draw up a list of the things--in order--that mean the most to him. Maybe he doesn't care if the dishes and kitchen stay clean (even though you do) but he just wants to see the laundry caught up. This list might change from week to week, but at least you'll be working on the things that he finds important at that time rather than working like a madwoman to clean EVERYTHING. Because I'm sorry, but to keep everything clean at the same time, especially when you both work full-time and have a young child, is simply impossible unless you were to get a maid.

Good luck! :-)

Answer 2

You said share the household responsibilities.....Does he help REGULARLY with the same chores?? Which would give you freedom from those chores, or is it once in a while..? If not then he should, daily, and weekly. Talk this out....as it will only get worse. Also, if this is your first child with him....he may be experiencing the "jealous" stage that Fathers go thru. If you are doing most or all of the chores, and errands, then he is lazy. Good Father, wonderful husbands, help out daily with the chores, from the grocery shopping, to cooking a meal 1-2 times a week, helping with the laundry, (doesn't mean put it in a you do the rest). Talk this out.....you are still reeling from childbirth and I would tell him that it takes time to get your body stamina back as well. This can take up to a year. Pouting....like a child....right....!! That is typical. I want my way and you have no say. Men pay attention......women aren't workhorses.....help out on a regular basis and see how much more you are appreciated by your woman. Ask her what she needs to have done.....then do it....If it is taking the kids out for the afternoon to the park and giving her time to herself, she can accomplish wonders in the home without any interruptions. HEED THIS AND MAKE YOUR LIFE AND LOVES MORE MEANINGFUL.
edit: Justsome girl.....excellent concept....I'm trying that one....

Answer 3

You should find out why he is such a neat freak, there is usually a reason for this kind of outrageous behavior, it would give you a better understanding of where he is coming from. For a situation like this, you can try to get him to relax and understand that the world is not going to crumble down around him if the whites dont get washed instantly, but most people like this are set in their ways. If you both are working full-time, and have a new baby, maybe hire a maid? It sounds like you are way way way to busy to be carefully inspecting every inch of the house for cleanliness! Tell your husband if he wants an immaculate house he can pay for someone to do it! Good luck!

Answer 4

He needs to learn the very hard lesson that not everything is always in a nice little tidy package ESPECIALLY after you have a baby. It is a little unfair for him to expect the house to stay spotless, when you work full time and then come home taking care of house and baby. It's good that he helps, but he needs to realize he's stressing BOTH of you out. WHEN do you get to take a day on the weekend and do NOTHING but rest and enjoy your baby? I know how hard it is, because I used to be a perfectionist too, and drove myself COMPLETELY insane when I had kids, trying to keep everything "just so". I wouldn't even allow my children to play with their toys in the living room because they "might leave things" out and that would make me nuts. NOW, I'm older and realize, I am NOT going to be on my death bed when I'm almost gone, wishing I'd done more laundry, kept the house cleaner, or spent more time working. I will be wishing I enjoyed more of this life, the beauty of the world, spent more time with my kids and family, etc. When you look at the big picture, keeping everything "perfect" in the house is not as important as what you invest in your kids and family. He hasn't learned this yet. It's okay to want the house clean, but really, this is overboard. And I'm sorry to say if I were you, I'd let him know I would be squeezing in some ME time, even if it meant dishes waited ONE MORE DAY...and if he didn't like it, he was free to KNOCK HIMSELF OUT trying to keep it all up...but I wasn't going to. LIfe is simply too short. Good luck, Hon. We perfectionists (though I'm recovering....LOL) are HARD to live with. Kudos to you for even TRYING to compromise when really none of it will be "good enough".

Answer 5

No it's not fair, but some people are just clean freaks. You knew he was like this before you married him, right?

My suggestion is to tell him to get over it or to hire a housekeeping service. Places like MerryMaids come in once a week for you and do a thorough cleaning of you house.

I know this because once I had a fantasy that I could afford maid service and looked it up on the internet.

http://www.merrymaids.com/

Answer 6

Ask him if he would like some cheese with his whine. Really if he has an issue with the tidiness of the house tell him to do it himself if it is bothering him. That you already take care of most of the household issues that if he sees something just do it rather then nagging you to do it. Really if you have a new baby he should be more understanding and helpful then a stick in the mud. Tell him he is more then welcome to pull the broomstick out of his butt and clean it up himself. I thought you were going to say he does to much housework but it sounds like he expects you to do everything.

Congrats on the Baby and May God Bless You and Your Family.

Answer 7

As you describe it, no it does not sound fair.
With just the 3 of you how much laundry can you have.
There are 3 of us in our household and 1 load of laundry a day is usually enough to keep ahead of things.

Answer 8

Well since you take care of every other thing i would tell him that he can clean the house, while you do other things, since he is so "Stressed" out about the house being a little bit messy, umm im going to hate it when your little one turns 2 and gets in too everything, nothing stays clean then. Goodluck send me a message if you need anything.

Answer 9

Sounds like he's more OCD than just a neat freak. Interesting that it's a man like this and not a woman...oops, stereotyping. Sorry.

I'd recommend counseling for him if I were you. As a new mom you don't need or deserve the added stress. Talk to him first and if that gets you nowhere, get him into some counseling before you completely lose your sanity.

Answer 10

I would try to come to an agreement on which of you does what. Make some thing his job and some things yours and make sure you get yours done and he can do his on his own. Maybe even make specific days you do them. That way you will have it all split evenly and he can't be mad at you for your stuff if you get it done and if he doesn't get his share done he can be cross with himself.