What can a couple do about an ex wife who wants to control their marriage through?

Question

the kids? If she doesn't get her way ie. extra money on demand, child support two weeks early, if I go with my husband to games or to exchange the children she starts with her antics. What can be done about a woman like this. My husband is afraid of her and her turning his kids against him. I am the pawn.

Answer 1

Very tough situation. First, he needs to establish boundaries and tell them to the Ex. I know this will be so very hard in the beginning, but will be best in the long run. There must be consequences when she over-steps the boundaries. I would tell her she will not get extra money and she will get the support when the decree states..period. If she calls or emails to threaten or say she wants more money or sooner, do not even respond or simply hang the phone up on her or if it is in person, he should just walk away from her. This is the consequence for over-stepping the boundaries. I would also tell her that if she wants to speak badly of their father, then she can be responsible for any damage she does to the kids.

Unfortunately, many men have the misconception that in order to have a good relationship with their kids, they can't "make waves" or have to keep the Ex "happy". This simply isn't true and as you see, it leaves you both "wide open" for her manipulation. Right? He has to stop giving in to her now! Take a stand and stick together. His relationship with his kids is separate from his Ex. He has no obligation to her at all, other than what is in the divorce decree. Yes, she may say things to the kids (she is a bad parent if she does) but your husband should tell the kids that if they ever hear anything bad about him or you, to come and talk to him about it. This way he can explain anything she may say. Believe me, the kids will grow up and realize what she has done is wrong. They will form their own opinons.

As far as you going to the exchanges, don't go. Let him deal with her. I would, however, go to any games or occasions the kids have and simply ignore her. Do not look at her or respond if she is nasty. You should be there for those things.

Lastly, Keep a journal of everything that is said, done, not done and who was present. Dates, times, witnesses. Keep emails, voicemails too. You may need this if she continues to harass you or goes further. Remember...you can not manipulate someone who does not respond. Best of luck sweetie!

Answer 2

right first things first.........can you honestly take much more from his ex?
i mean put all your love for your husband and caring to one side and think about yourself...put yourself and your own being first for a change. think about what you really want ....afterall people wanna be happy in their own right and if that means just not being with your husband then so be it. but if he will sit down and not take his deluded estranged ex to heart and give her everything that she is asking for, then you should come first no matter what. ......he's married to you for christ sake you should be the number one priority of making happy and putting first, and your feelings considered. he should not be doing the things that he is and you should not live like this its not fair on you. she has not right in doing the things that she is but i can assure you if you want to do whats best and your husband will agree to it then the only thing to do is get an injunction order against her as she is making your lives a complete misery noone should live like this although i am in the same situation but i am not married, i am writing down every text message, every email, noting down whenever she is stalking or sitting outside which she shouldnt be cos she has a harrassment warning already, but honey it will build up as good strong evidence. injunction is the best way but whether or not your husband will agree because of the kids its the only option , she wont stop other wise and i dont think there is anything else you can do because one day you may find youself just getting up and walking away or even he might do. x x take care

Answer 3

River,
This woman sounds like a crazy biotch!! As long as he pays child support and doesn't abuse his kids, there is nothing that she can do to keep her kids away from their father. Why would he give her extra money?? He pays child support and that's enough. Now if the kids say, "Dad Could u please get this for me?" That's totally different. And two wks. early for support. I'd tell her to kiss my @$$ if I was him. She should get it at the same time every month!!! Period. She sounds as if she is already manipulating the kids a bit, which is sick and twisted. Take the kids to counseling, I'm sure it would help them out!?!

Answer 4

Your husband obviously has some feelings of guilt for the divorce, otherwise he wouldn't be trying so hard to make her happy. What antics is she starting? Telling the kids bad things about their dad? That's a lousy mother! My hubby's ex is a total nightmare as well, but I had to let it stop effecting me because if I didn't my marriage was going to suffer for certain. Whatever you do, do not take a back seat to this woman--continue to show up at the games, continue to go with him to get the kids--this will let her know under no uncertain terms that no matter what she pulls you are not going anywhere. Your husband is the one that has to put a stop to her "antics" by standing firm and telling her she will get her child support as scheduled, and if the kids need anything "extra" she can tell him exactly what it is they need and he can decide on his own whether or not he wants to get it for them. It sounds like she is still very bitter about the divorce, and jealous that her ex has been able to move on to another marriage. This is her issue, not yours, and your husband needs to put your feelings before hers at all times. Just remember though, he cannot control the things that she says and does. How old are the kids? If they have minds of their own and they see that their father is good to them and you treat them with respect, hopefully they will be able to form their own opinions.

I am in a similar spot in that my stepsons are young adults and their mother has basically made them believe that if they're friendly to me at all they are being disloyal to her. Truth be known, they are total brats and extremely immature so they have taken to doing her bidding---even after my husband has put his foot down and told them to stop. One of his kids doesn't even come to our house because he is still trying to get his father to make a choice between he and I and that is a position I would never put him in. My hubby sees what's going on, but at the end of the day it is his son and it would be unfair of me to say that he can't see him at all. Being a part of a stepfamily is not for the faint of heart---I have had to grow a much thicker skin and eat more dirt than I ever thought I'd have to, but as long as my husband is consistantly showing that my feelings matter I can handle it. Afterall, our husbands live their lives with us----if we're not content, there's no way the marriage is going to survive. Maybe you two should seek some couple's counseling so you can get to the root of his guilt or whatever it is that keeps him answering to the ex. In the meantime, try to stop obsessing and whatever you do DO NOT take a back seat to this woman! For the longest time I would not go to any games or events because whenever I did she would start in with her raving again----eventually I realized that she was getting her way by not having to deal with seeing us together and I went anyway. I hope your hubby's ex moves on eventually to a new relationship so she can let him go, but don't count on it---my husband's ex is married and still tries to get him to answer to her! Ugh, sometimes it really sucks, period!! Good luck to you, I feel for you!

Answer 5

You and your husband need to be united. As a team you should do anything relating to the children together. She should only get her support checks when the court order says she is to receive them. Do not let her run your lives. Remind your husband that no matter what poison she is filling his children's heads with they are still watching him. He needs to show them that he is a man and can control his own life. They will not respect him if he continues to let her be in complete control. It won't be easy but he needs to get in the pilots seat.

Answer 6

If he pays his child support,then she shouldn't be getting any extra $. When you exchange the kids, just stay home,this way she can't start any crap. Clearly,she either very jealous or very imature. There are legal steps you can take,but you need to keep a log of the stuff she does and it can be used against her.

Answer 7

Stay cool, lady. The kids aren't dumb, just young. The ex and her antics only make her look like a fool and the kids will appreciate your not reciprocating with the idiocy!

Answer 8

What a horrible person she is. Using children is the worst thing any parent can do. She obviously needs help. She has a lot of anger. You're husband also need to learn to stop being her "puppet". You guy's need councelling...big time. You also need to see a lawyer...she has no right to do the things she is doing.

Answer 9

Stop giving into her. You are letting her control your life. Stand up to her. It will cause some problems but in the long run, less than it is causing now.

Answer 10

Move away? Get someone to be the go between when getting the kids.