Family.....something needs to change HELP!?

Question

I'm 23yrs old and have a younger sister that's a few years younger. We were both raised by our grandparents mostly, up until I was about 10yrs old, is when our mother lived with us as well. She then moved out with her boyfriend, we would see her on weekends (usually) but she also worked full time and had a life of her own. So most of the child raising was done by our grandmother. Neither my sister or I know our dads(yes we have different ones), nor have they ever been apart of our lives. Now that my sister and I are older, and have both left the nest, I find that we are both quite lost in the world. My mother is not financially stable, and no longer is with her long time bf, she hasn't work for years(those is now), and is now back living with her parents(my grandparents), to get back on her feet. She continues to date men however, which i do not enjoy that fact, but it's her life. (it seems her priorities are messed up sometimes) Anyway, my grandparents are now finally enjoying their

"childfree" years finally, (since they raised 2 generations!) and for the most part are traveling a bit, and letting my mother squat in their house. There's also alcoholism that runs in the grandparents household, quite a bit these days, i might add, and has gotten progessively worse, and this has been going on even when I lived back at home. ANYWAY, back to my question, my sister and I are lost in life! I feel as if I do not have a proper mentor in life anymore or anyone I can look up to now. I'm trying to make it through college, and no one in my family has gone through college. My sister is in the same boat. No one seems to care. My family is just letting my sis and I make our mistakes, as they just sit back and judge it seems. Now my sis is getting into drugs, and has been in and out of abusive relationships, (as have I, A LOT, i find myself getting involved with men who only use me). I'm watching our family kind of crumble, and no one seems to care. It bothers me!

My sis and I NEVER used to be like this. We're not even close anymore, but I still care for her. I'm noticing how both of us are struggling and making mistake after mistake in life it seems, and no one is their to guide us. We don't have positive role models in our lives. Something went wrong somewhere when we were being raised, I feel. My mother, sis, and I are all codependent, I believe. I'm noticing a pattern, and I hope to God, I don't end up a single mother or something. I'm crying out for help in life, but no one is there emotionally! It's like I need help. I also find that I'm getting more and more depressed in life. I struggle with school, finances, work, and abusive relationships. My self esteem is melting away, as I get further and further behind in life it seems. I have no safety net, and I carry so much responsibility on my shoulders. I'm stuck paying for school on my own, working, and just trying to prove to everyone that I can succeed basically. I'm slipping though.

What can I do? What went wrong? I don't want to sit back and watch a car crash...knowing that all along it could have been prevented. Please help! Thanks.

When I say my sis and I never used to be like this...I mean that we never used to touch drugs, we were both straight A students, with good friends, a rich family life, and high goals. That's all gone now.

Answer 1

It seems that your grandparents didn't nurture a sense of responsibility in your mother, she was too busy dating men to take care of you and your sister, so they assumed her responsibility taking care of you and your sister. Now when you both left your grandparents's home they got another "child" again: your mother, who wants to get on "her feet" just when you and your sister were raised by her parents, and are on their own. It's a shame that your grandparents allow her at their home. She abandoned you and your sister. I bet you feel betrayed by your grandparents.
You have dealt and keep dealing with a sense of abandonment, loneliness, a sense of not being taking care of by anybody, sadness, and anger, resentment by the way your mother and father treated you and your sister, that was awful, and that must have created low-self esteem in you, and is the cause of conflictive relationships not only with men. Your sister is coping with the emotional pain of her upbringing by doing drugs. You and your sister are recreating the emotional abuse you suffered from your parents: being abandoned, emotionally abused. Your mother dated men nonstop, and you surely witnessed abuse. It seems to me that, neither you, nor your sister have had a healthy role model of a relationship.
You cannot expect support from your grandparents anymore, you're on your own. You seem a nice, caring lady. I'd recommend you to stop by the counseling services at your college, and see a counselor for a while. Maybe you could be facing depression. Counseling could help you with your self esteem, and many issues in your life which have been very painful and are impacting negatively your life. You could also recommend your sister to look for help for her drug addiction, and psychological issues. This will not go away by itself, this requires treatment.
I wish that you look for professional help, that you make good friends -don't isolate yourself-, you could attend a support group too. I wish that all the negative factors that you had to face in your young life will serve to make you stronger, and be successful in life. You don't deserve to be in abusive relationships - your mother was a bad example-. It's time for you to nurture yourself in all ways, maybe someday you could raise a family of your own, be the mother that you never had, have a good man as your husband and father of your children. But you have to work hard to overcome psychological issues that are affecting you now.Have hope, you're very young and brave. Maybe your sister will follow your example. Take responsibility for your own life, and your own future.
Good luck, young lady !

Answer 2

Dear Brandi,

It is you, that needs to change ! You need to stop letting, the dysfunctional people in your life drag you down. You can't change them. However, you can change yourself. You can focus on your needs. The more you do, for the dysfunctional in your life, the less they will do for themselves, and the less you are able to do for yourself. I am sure you have noticed, nobody is taking care of you. I am also sure, at times, you wished somebody did.

Codependency, really sucks; it makes us virtual slaves. We tend not to have lives of our own. We are not fulfilled, unless we are taking care of someone, or helping someone. In the interim, our own lives are falling apart, around us.

There is no escape from codependency, on an emotional level. We are stuck in a loop. We must escape on a cognitive level. We must make choices, lay plans, and execute them, regardless how unpleasant our emotional experience may be.

There may be a time in the future, when those dear to you, are ready for your help. If you take care of yourself now, you will be ready to help them.

Larry