I want a divorce I been trying not to because I want to be there for my son often I feel like I hate my wife

Question

Been married 1 1/2years I have a 1y/o son with my current wife, and a 2y/o daughter w/ someone else. We fight all the time about little stuff and big stuff, she has hit me a couple of times, we've both cheated, I dont trust her, and she probably dont trust me. I dont feel like she treat my daughter the same way she treat our son. We have sex like 1 a month and its usually horrible. Since I have been married my life has gone down hill.
Im 25 she'll be 24 in December, we've actually been together off and on since highschool, about 7 years.
Sorry for the long paragraph, but i need some help.

*Possible reason I havent moved on is because I get upset thinking about someone else being with my wife or raising my son.

Answer 1

I highly suggest counseling. My HB and I have been through quite a lot. It helped us to understand each other's feelings and gave a safe haven to release our thoughts and concerns. Marriage is tough no matter how long you date one another (we dated 5 yrs. before marriage). The first 3 years of marriage are the worst. Once you make it that long, you feel like you can make it through anything. First of all you said you have both cheated. You need to fix your problems, not run them to someone else causing more problems. I assume there are now trust issues and honestly the trust will never be back 100%, but it does get easier with time. A marriage can survive infidelity, but you have to take things one day at a time. Another thing that helped us tremendously is having date night once a week (a suggestion from our counselor). At first it felt weird, but then slowly got back to normal. Once things are said and out in the open you must leave them there and not ridicule the other person over and over about the same things. Say what you have to say, cry, yell, get it all out, whatever, then never speak of it to each other again. You have to start with a new beginning. I personally made a vow to myself to not give up until ALL options were attempted. It worked for us, good luck.

P.S. The reason you cannot see someone else with your wife is becasue you still love her it's just all this other stuff is in the way. I believe your marriage is salvagable, it will just take a lot of work and total commitment from the both of you.

Answer 2

Help is an understatement honey. You needed help prior to you both cheating. This, is more along the lines of disaster waiting to happen. And as bad as it is, it could be worse, so please hear me out.

Honey, you and your wife are very passionate people, you love hard and you fight hard. The on and off again thing pretty much gave that away. Which means there are alot of emotions, they are just unstable. You also have to take into consideration the maturity level. For some reason, whether it be the hitting or the treating your daughter different, I'm guessing that the wife isn't acting as responsible as she should be. Both in her actions and her view on how things should be. It's almost as if she's still in high school mode.

Then comes you, your statement of "I feel like I hate my wife" raised an eyebrow. It's a strong statement that usually a spouse doesn't make about the other spouse unless there are some really volitile things going on. And yes, I do count anger as volitile. It leads to other things.

You are miserable, you want out, but in a month, after the smoke has cleared, are you still going to feel the same way? Seriously. You said that you've been off and on again since High School. If that's the case, there is something there that draws you to together. Or you may just be bad habits for each other that you just can't shake. You'd know this better than I would. But you must make that determination before you make any other decisions.

Reason being, is that in your current situation you have four options. You can stay and continue the routine as it is, you can move out for the time being, co-parent to the best of your abilities while you seek counseling, both together and individually to work out the issues and get the tools you need to make this work the way it should, you can move out, cool off, come back and be in the same boat you are in now, or you can throw in the towel, get your divorce hoping there is something better out there and try to be the best dad you can be to your children. This all seems simple enough; however, before any of those decisions can be made, you need to do some soul searching and find out what keeps the two of you together after all these years. Once you do that, you'll have a clearer view on what you need to do.

I wish you luck honey, and remember, although typically not to this degree, every couple fights. It's how we get through those fights that determines where we stand in our marriages. And I apologize for the long paragraphs, but like you said. . . you needed help.

Answer 3

First quit making babies.
Next either both of you go to counseling and you BOTH change your ways, or dont and get divorced and ruin yet ANOTHER child's life.
If you do get divorced, before you ever get serious again, you make sure you and the girl are compatible, have the same values, the same morals and goals.If thats not what you want in a woman then you need to change to the kind of man a woman like that would really want after getting to know you, meanwhile start treating your wife like you did when you were dating.Take care of the baby while she takes a bath and a nap, or goes out with her family or g/f's.
She needs some help with that temper though.Tell her it is time for counseling or divorce.
If she says she doesnt "have a problem", tell her ,"yes you do and so do I, and the only way the problems will be solved is through counseling and SHE can pick the counselor".

Answer 4

Alot of times parents try to keep it together because of the children involved. Think about the BIG picture though, is it better to have a miserable relationship and have your child be apart of that????? You need to be happy in order to have happy children. I'm sure your wife doesn't treat your daughter the same as your son, and that is CRAP!!!!! I treat my boyfriend's daughter as if she were my own child. Children should not have to suffer because of whatever adults are going through. Sweetie, if you are truly unhappy(which it sounds like you are), than I would say to go ahead with a divorce. You are young, life is way to short to be miserable. You do not deserve to be hit, neither one of you deserve to be cheated on(sure sign it is over). What really is a good reason to stay together? You can still be an awesome dad and spend time with your little boy. Pick yourself up.....Brush yourself off.......and move on to BIGGER and BETTER things, everyone involved deserves that. Best of LUCK!!!! Things can only get better!!!!!!

Answer 5

Whether or not to end your marriage is something only you can decide. However, I can give some advice on how to decide -- sit down and think through all the good and bad about your wife, marriage etc - write it down if it helps. Take a good, long, honest look at that list and decide.

While I won't say that the kids shouldn't be a concern - they should also not be the only reason to stay together. Its not healthy for them or for either of you. You can both be active parents in their lives whether you stay together or not - it just takes committment to that goal.

Always always I highly recommend counseling in any long term relationship problems - counseling can help give you perspective over the problems (a hard thing to do when you're deep in the middle of them) and some tools to help work out problems or move on with your lives in a healthier way for everyone.

Sounds to me like you married young and this always adds extra obstacles to a marriage - as if its not hard enough. Please try to take some time, preferably quiet time to yourself and take a good honest look at your marriage and what you want. Try to get some idea in your own head what you want - to work it out with your wife or move on. Approach your wife openly and honestly to discuss what you're feeling and try to get some counseling to help everyone move through the next steps in as healthy a manner as possible.

Whether you stay together or split - good luck and I hope you find your hapiness :)

Answer 6

Do you think that it's healthy for your two children to watch you and your wife fight all the time? Do you think it's healthy for them to be brought up in a broken home? I don't. Sometimes, staying together for the kids isn't what the kids need at all. Give your children a happy, safe, and loving environment. Try talking with your wife rather than yelling at her. It's all about communication, patience, listening, and understanding. Try counseling. If all else fails, then move on. The children will eventually understand and appreciate why mom and dad can't stay together. They will feel more secure in a calm environment.

Answer 7

First of all, of course she won't treat your daughter like she treats your son--your daughter isn't her daughter.

Second, except for the cheating part, my (now past) marriage sounds a lot like yours. I've been divorced for over three years, and I'll bet I have a better relationship with my daughter than I ever would have if I were still married to what's-her-name. My ex isn't a horrible person; we were just a terribly incompatible couple.

Sometime after the divorce, a friend told me that I'd been "erasing myself" in my marriage. It's true, I had been, and if that phrase rings true to you, then it's probably happening to you as well. I suggest a little counseling--not joint counseling, but just for you. You are dazed and confused, my friend, and it sounds like you need a helpful ear and a neutral eye to help you get yourself back together.

Answer 8

Well loss of trust and the children children are the mainthing here. Trust is very importnat. But what is most importnat are the two children. Seeing all this fighting and violance is not good for thier upbringing. This kind of enviorment can have a very bad effect on them even later in life. Kids don't forget things like that.And it can cause them emotional distress and anger. Kids who grow up in such home end up having drug an achool problems or become troubled teens. If you feel the way you do leave her, and if she is mistreating the children take her to court and prove her unfit. Find out the laws in your area...and see if it would be legal to place her on hiddne camera or voice recorder and catch her mistreating the kids as custody hearing evidnece,if she is violent shes unfit in my opinon what i she lashes out at the children. All i can say is its whats best for the kids..

Answer 9

You and your wife need to go to couple's counseling immediately. For the sake of the long term well being of your children, who need a strong, two parent family, it is time that the both of you grow up and start acting your part as the adults in the family. Start by looking in your phone book for community services within your city or county. Many services are on sliding scales so cost is not an excuse to avoid seeking help. I repeat, you and your wife MUST seek counseling immediatly as your life is nearing a state of crisis that will impact the lives of your children FOREVER.

Answer 10

If your not happy theres no point in staying. Don't get me wrong kids are so important, they are the main importance but your happiness is also important. Don't settle for less if you know you both don't trust each other and you both cheat. Just leave on good terms so you won't have difficulty raising your son and get on with your life. Even if its a long on and off relationship it sounds like there is no love at all there. Good Luck with you and your kids.