Very Complicated Relationship Situation.?

Question

I'm 30, she's 27. Married 1.5 years, together for 9. The last.. well.. 9 years she has mood swings where she turns into a total ***** and says horrible things to me, my family.. everything that is important to me. Because of this I had 2nd thoughts about marrying her before we got married but figured everyone has these issues and went ahead.
Shortly before we got married I met a girl thru the net.. just chatting, explained what my problems to her, and she shared hers with me. Just friends. Fast forward 2 years, we have recently developed feelings for each other. After my wife and I had a huge fight where she went home to see a psychologist, I met this girl. We both want to be together. But, my wife saw the psychologist, got anti-depressants, and is much better now. But, I can't forget all the horrible things she's done to me. All I can think about his how great this new girl is. What should I do? BTW the other girl is stuck with a bf she doesn't want to be with, she wants to be w me.

Wife and I have grown apart over the last year or two.. what were mutual interests have disappeared. Don't even talk much in the evenings when we're both at home. What I saw in her, what attracted me to her... is, well, not there anymore. I do care about her and don't want to hurt her (I know, I know) but I just don't know what to do.
This new girl is with another guy, who she has dated for 1.5 yrs off and on, and took out loans in excess of 30k with him because he has bad credit, she had to get the loans in her name. So, she is scared if she leaves him he won't pay off the loans and she'll be fu*ked. So she's bascially staying with him for convienence. I know it sounds fishy but if she REALLY didn't want to be with me, then she wouldn't want to talk to me, text me or see me. Right?
Basically we are both weak and know what we want (at least right now) but are too weak to end each of our relationships. I am seeing a counselor on Thursday. Should I tell him EVERYTHING? Scared..

Answer 1

Please realize that your wife was not well for the past nine years, and that she finally has some medication that fixes that. The outbursts she had when she was ill should not be taken to heart. I know they hurt, but her brain chemistry was way off making her behave oddly.

During this time, you have been having an emotional affair with another woman. People in affairs typically are in a "fog" where they don't think clearly. They see their affair partner as someone who's perfect, because the only time they see them or talk to them is under ideal circumstances. They don't see the affair partner under daily, bland conditions, and they don't share stressful times with the partner. It's like an idealistic world to escape to.

If you're not quite ready to throw out your 10+ years of life together, please seek a little marriage counseling with your wife (so she understands your pain from her past illness), and then perhaps some personal counseling to deal with that pain. Meantime, if you want your marriage to have any chance at all of healing, you will need to permanently end all communication with your affair partner so that you can get out of your fog and back into reality -- and learn to reconnect with your wife. Sometimes people in affairs subconciously try to find excuses to NOT connect with their spouses to enable their affair. So as long as you are carrying on your relationship with this other woman, your marriage has NO chance for survival.

Answer 2

This girl is great because she is not your wife. Point blank. It may seem greener on the other side. But you have to get in touch with all the reasons you loved and married your wife. Marriage is a sacred thing. Don't let 2years of a relationship with another girl ruin your 9year relationship. If your wife is better than you both need to look into counseling with a Pastor or professional. You need to tell her how she has hurt you in the past. You both need to do some healing together. Divorce is not the answer. Later you will be very happy that you took my advice. God Bless

Answer 3

You have an important choice that may only be solved by time with yourself. Why don't you take a vacation on your own and examine your feelings. If your wife is better (truly) than you may just be tempted by what you don't have (this other girl). It is never a good idea to become involved with someone who is alread in a relationship. Spend some time alone and see if you miss your wife. She has changed (so you say) and maybe you are able to forgive her for who she was. Accept that she didn't mean to act the way she has and remind yourself that you are in a marriage, something that is a big deal to throw away for someone who is technically unavailable. You may just be attracted to the role this other woman played for you while you really needed someone to lean on. I would cut that off if you want to preserve your marriage. Find some new friend to lean on (I know, easier said than done...)

Answer 4

He treats you like dirt, is violent, displays obsessive behavior, has stalked you, and now you want to take him to prom .... and you say you're "young but not stupid"? It was not a healthy relationship to begin with, and there are no signs that it would ever be healthy until he got the help he needed. And the fact that you still have these feelings for him, despite what he's put you through, implies that you may need some kind of counseling as well. It's hard to find someone you love who treats you like crap, but you keep going back to him because you don't know any better. That means counseling is a good idea. You're the victim of abuse. If he really, honestly, and truly was the guy you're destined to spend the rest of your life with, he will go to counseling, you will go to counseling, and you will go off to college without him and learn who you really are. And when that's all over, if your paths bring you back together, so be it. But for now, he is not the kind of person you should be spending time with. He needs help.

Answer 5

This is a complicated situation you got yourself into.Seems like your wife needed to see a Dr before it got out of hand.But she has done it now and is now more herself and that is the woman you fell in love with.What do you think this is going to do to her now.You are hurting too many people(her,you the gf her bf and your family)How can you trust the gf if she knows you are married guess she doesn't care).I would think about that one.She may do the same thing to you later in life.You should try to work on the relationship with your wife.Or better yet keep them both and wallow in misery.Only you can make the choice of what you want to do,unless the wife finds out then it might be her choice.

Answer 6

You say your wife is much better now, which is a good thing. However, it may not be enough because you have lingering concerns about how she used to be. Would you be happy enough staying with your wife if you didn't have this new girlfriend around? I guess you need to decide which is better. I would also question how your girlfriend considers herself "stuck" with a boyfriend she doesn't want to be with. Nobody is "stuck". People make their own choices.

Try not to use your girlfriend as the reason why you don't want to be with your wife anymore. Sure, having someone on the side that wants to be with you makes it easier to leave your wife. But your decision should be based on your marriage and whether it can be salvaged, or not.

I wish you luck. Relationships are hard work. You have to be willing to work at them all the time.

Answer 7

You've been in a relationship for nine years, and before you got married initiated a relationship with someone else, the someone else made you question your relationship - but you still got married. You maintained the relationship even though you were married.

Your wife sounds like she was exhibiting mental problems (all along), you say she's receiving treatment and is much better.

You're a cad.

No one is ever STUCK. That's an excuse people use. You are free to divorce your wife - but don't blame her, mental illness is hard enough to deal with without the added burden of the people you trust blaming you for everything.

Answer 8

Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb!

1) You have had very little real life interactions with the girl from the net. I don't care how long you have been talking to her, she is not real. She is fantasy. Until you spend a solid two-years with her IRL (In Real Life) as opposed to chatting on the net, you have no idea who she really is or how she will behave. We tend to be attracted to the same types of individuals over and over again. So, there is a very good chance that she has similar problems as your WIFE.

2) The net girl is cheating on her BOYFRIEND. (Not husband) She can leave him anytime she wants. I have never understood anyone cheating on a girlfriend or boyfriend. You either want to be with someone or not. Cheating in that scenario is just plain selfish. She wants the best of both worlds -- reality and fantasy!

3) Marriage is all about helping your mate become the best he or she can be, forgiving and forgetting.

4) The natural attraction phase for any couple lasts approximately two-years -- give or take a few months. You dated your wife for nine years before you got married. Apparently you had cold feet. You sabotaged the intimacy you have with your wife by beginning an emotional relationship with a fantasy girl before you ever got married!!! You made sure you had an escape hatch! Yikes! You definitely have commitment issues.

Given the last comment I made, the way I see it you have two options:

1) Own up to your own faults -- your failure to commit to your wife and marriage and move on and out. (Regardless of the fantasy girl. She isn’t real, so her existence really has no place in your solution.)

2) Commit to your wife, your marriage, and more importantly your self. What I mean is that we all crave intimacy. That is the need you are trying to have met by fantasy girl. Just when your wife is seeking help and finally able to be there for you -- you want to leave. Guess what man -- that's *your* issue. You chose a woman with depression. Go talk to a therapist and find out why. Talk to a therapist about your commitment and intimacy issues and commit to *you* getting your intimacy needs met in a healthy way.

PS I had to laugh -- twice -- at the last sentence in your statement. The other girl is *stuck* with a bf she doesn’t want to be with??? Are you nuts? There is no way that is true. If she is with him, she is choosing him. Wake up. She is using you for her own screwed up reasons.

Answer 9

Did you not have anyother friends to talk to about your wifes problems? Why did you ahve to go looking for a girl on the net? It sounds like your wife was seriously depressed, you were with her for 9 years before marrying her so you knew what you were getting into. (By the way, people who are seriously depressed do say lots of horrible things and most of the time dont mean, but they are so frustrated at feeling crap and not knowing why) Sorry but I dont think you should have gone behind your wife's back. You should have decided long ago if you wnated to be with her or not. Fair play to her for sorting herself out, she was probably doing it as much for you as for herself and now you have got yourself into a situation. If you really loved her you would be there for her no matter what!! Yes she may have said some nasty things, but she prob cant remember half of it if she was depressed (Believe me I know about depression). You need to decide on whether you want to stay with your wife (someone you have been wih for a long time) or risk all that for someone who at the moment appears to be a better option. However, you havent known her that long and do you really know her? The grass isnt always greener!

Answer 10

WOW! You are a total ***- you deserve to be treated bad by your wife- she can feel that you're doing something I am sure. Are you trying to tell us that when she was calling you these names that you just sat there quietly and said nothing back? YEAH RIGHT! You've cheated so you might as well just leave and remember that you are leaving her for some whore who was also cheating on her boyfriend. What comes around goes around and now that your wife has medicated herself up just because she lives with a jerk she will find someone new and you will be the miserable one in the end.
Grow up and learn that hurtful things are said when people get upset- this new whore will do the same thing in time.