I am suddenly disatisfied with the ambition level of my boyfriend.?

Question

He are I are 29, have been dating a year, and discussing long-term commitments. Up to now the relationship has been pure joy.

He is primarily interested in career pursuits that are very difficult to make money in (Kung-Fu, stand-up comedy), and that he does not seem to be interested in more education beyond his BA in Eastern religion.

I have had a sudden surge in confidence in my ability to achieve my dreams of getting a graduate degree (whereas I have felt I could not do it before).

On the other hand, my boyfriend is far more fiscally responsible and emotionally healthy than I have been in the past 10 years. He has an undergraduate degree while I have yet to get mine.

I am scared that I feel my academic-career ambitions are greater than his. Even though I have yet to accomplish mine, it seems difficult to do so without the support of someone who has similar ambitions.

Am I wrong to be dissatisfied with his ambitions considering he is still more accomplished than I am?

Answer 1

Remember! Slow and steady wins the race. Sounds like your guy is happy and well adjusted and while he may not ever be wealthy, he will sure as heck be a fun dude to be around.

I am really glad that you have had a renewed sense of confidence in yourself but that may just as easily wane when you get in school and having someone focused on goals will be much better than having someone focused on just generally being "successful" i.e. wealthy....trust me, those people are never happy...

so you might be the breadwinner...but in the end if you both like doing what you are doing, then you are in good shape to be a successful couple.

Answer 2

Your question is not a wrong or right type of question. It is a question of what you want.

Your bf has already accomplished the educational goals that you are still working on. He is now pursuing his dream just as you are trying to pursue yours.

You are only perceiving your dream as being unattainable because it seems like he is failing in his pursuit so now you feel dissatisfied that he is not putting his education to work as you would. You even downplay his choice study of getting a degree in Eastern religion.

What you need to do is attain your dream! How can you truly put forth the effort of attaining that dream if you spend your time being disappointed at what he is or isn't doing? Your greatest fear is your academic-career ambitions are greater than his when you haven't even reached his level.

Get your BA and do what you need to do to achieve your dream.

Answer 3

I think you're being absurd. Why must he be "ambitious"? What is ambition anyway? Does it mean busting *** 75 hours a week to keep "getting ahead" and making more money?

If that's what you'd like, you'll have to get used to him never being home. "Ambitious" men go into finance and carers like that where they work constantly, have heart attacks when they're 40, and end up miserable and distanced from their families. It sounds like your values are rooted in a very old fashioned way of thinking, that "the man should support the family." If he's working, doing what he finds fulfilling, and not sitting around on the couch eating chips and drinking beer while collecting welfare, what is the problem?

What do your boyfriend's personal goals have to do with your goal of obtaining a graduate degree? Do you suddenly feel like you're better than he is, because you have a piece of paper? If so, then you should break up with him right now because he deserves better than that.

Answer 4

This kind of thing is getting more and more common these days. It's very frustrating for men because we get pressure from women to always be "more" than they are. Women rarely date below their status or income level in society, and even more rarely marry below their status or income level. Not too long ago, I heard a young woman in the office say that one of her girlfriends had "married well" meaning that her girlfriend had, basically, landed a rich guy.

If men, on the other hand, express minimum standards in women, we are viewed by women as shallow.

Well, having said that, it's your life and you are not "wrong" to be dissatisfied for any reason. If you are dissatisfied you are dissatisfied. Figure out what you want to do, and do it. If love with this guy is not enough,then leave him and find a guy that is ambitious enough for you (and hopefully you'll love him too).

Remember this principle, however: Men marry women hoping that they won't change, and they do. Women marry men hoping that they will change, and they don't. Think about.

In any case, based on what you've said, I feel sorry for your guy. You supposedly love each other, but you're considering leaving him because having a degree and pursuing his dreams are not "ambitious" enough for you. It's no different than if he said you had gained 10 pounds and were no longer physically sufficient for him.

And what if he judged you the same way? You say he is more accomplished than you. What if he said - 'I love you, but you aren't accomplished enough for me. I don't want to marry a woman who is less accomplished than me.' How do you react to that scenario?

Answer 5

I think you're wrong for that. He accomplished his educational goals on his own. You should not need him to do more just so he can be in the same boat of misery as you are. He is happy with his life and pursuing things that interest him. That IS ambition -it's just not an increased interest in the things you want him to be interested in. Now he COULD pursue the things you desire for him, but they will not make him as happy as the things he does now. He could even grow to resent you for pressuring him to abandon or set aside his personal interests to pick up the things that you wanted more than he did. Resentment is not something you want to create in a relationship. If you are really that ambitious yourself, learn to pursue your educational goals on your own without dragging someone else into it. That accomplishment alone should be personally rewarding.

Answer 6

maybe, just maybe he's done his academic bit. it may seem a worthless degree but a ba hons is just that, its not what its in, its the skills required to gain one. maybe he's tired of all the hard work a degree entails and doesnt feel like he wants or needs a masters. dont forget he had to have similar ambitions to you at one time to complete his degree. so he's in the perfect position to support you since he's been through it and can help you with things like critical thinking and analyising. just because he doesnt have burning ambitions now, doesnt mean he wont in the future. he's worked hard and deserves a break. now its your turn. you had a sudden surge, he might have the same. your surge will subside once your in the throws of the degree and he'd be perfect to guide you through the same fears and insecurities he would of had.

Answer 7

This is a tricky one. I have to agree that it's hypocritical to be disappointed with his educational ambition when it surpasses yours. If money is the worry, and you have grand ambitions, wouldn't you be financial stable alone. You should both do what makes you happy. It's admirable that he tried the degree thing and decided he had other interests. You on the other hand, have been too insecure and afraid to try. I think you are thinking ahead and feel that when you are ultra educated you might be embarrassed to be with a non-professional. Shame on you considering the tables are turned right now.

Answer 8

No you are not wrong to feel that way. Just because those things are in his past. Yes, he's completed those things, but now what? Ya know? You are still eager and ambitious and want to succeed in various things and his desire seems to have slowed, almost to a halt. Maybe you can try to encourage him a bit? To get him back on the wagon with you? I think you need to take action or say something to him. At least to truly see where his mind is. Maybe he will surprise you with some goal for the near future that he has in mind. I would say however, if you can't deal with his lack of ambition, then move on... my best friend is married to a man who supported her while she was in college and now he is literally lazy Lou. She always says she wishes he was more ambitious. You don't want to look back and have "what if's". Make sure you talk to him and get to REALLY know him before you make any kind of true committment.

Answer 9

no, you are not. you are now in ur prime years. u are not attached legally to him, hence there is not a MUST yet that u plan ur years according to what ur spouse is doing/ capable of doing.

i say just break it off, and work for things u want to get in ur life. it doesnt matter if he has a degree already and u have not. the fact that both of u are not in the same sphere of thinking is already dangerous- u will not feel satisfied as u dont have someone to emotionally support u to reach your challenging goals.

i had a similar situation like u. it was my first bf, but he was worse than ur current bf..didnt finish college and just stayed at home playing games. it was very hard for me, but i managed to leave him. one year later i meet another man, and now he's my husband and we are happily married. he is of course better off academically then me, and altho im more ambitious than him it's no prob. coz he always give me the emotionally support and he himself sets a good example.

so good luck, leave this man and get on with ur life. another man can make u happy. i swear.

Answer 10

If you are worried about the difference in your education then perhaps your love is not strong enough to sustain the relationsip.

My husband has a Masters in Engineering, is a member of Mensa and has 28 US Patents to his name. I am a high school drop-out who went back and got a GED diploma. I supported him all through his getting his Masters degree and working too. He has always respected that I have no desire to further my education and we have a very intimate, happy marriage.

Good Luck