help i dont want my marriage to fall apart?

Question

my husband and i have been having problems for awhile he has a huge problem with controling his anger he always has a smart remark to everything u can not talk to him about our problems with out him thinking im blamming it all on him then he trys to turn it all around on me we have had fight after fight because of his mouth or smart remakrs or lake of romance although the sex is good but last month he crossed the line and put his hands on me and hurt me and i cant trust him or anything now i told him he had to go to anger classes etc but he keeps making excuses and does not want to talk about our problems i need to see him want to help himself but i cant make him he thinks everything will work itself out he cares more about work money material things not trying to fix our marriage i dont know what to do iv read book after book what do i do to make him ralise he is loosing me please give me your thoughs fill free to pm or email me with any private advice if u dont want to post it here

Answer 1

Oh Hon....Run as far as you can and never look back! I was in the same situation myself for 15 years so I speak from experience. I know how it works. The first time it is an accident or "didn't mean it" but will apologize for it, and then of course remind you "if you didn't do/say that, I wouldn't have hit you..etc" Trust me when I say that if you let him get away with it, it will only get worse as time goes by! If there are no consequences for the action, they take it as permission to do it again, and each time will be a little worse. I know you don't want your marriage to fall apart, but you are worth more that he would have you believe, and I promise, once you make the decision to be done, it is very freeing. (and there are better men out there! I have a GREAT one now!) Feel free to email me if you want to chat.

Answer 2

Your not going to like my advice but , Its gonna be honest,


You need to change, because he can't

Your trying to control HIM, and make him see YOUR view,


( Ok now that thats said, I want to give you a little Back ground on ME , I was YOU, and MY husband is your husband)

We are not those people any more

This is how we fixed things,

I thought about what my life really IS

My husband loves me, and my children, and he is a good provider, in everyway,

His flaw is that he doesn't think like ME,

I feel that he needs to be more caring and show that softer side to ME as often as he shows it to our kids,

Be more patient,
be happy with what we have, instead of always wanting MORE ( big screens ect..better house)

And as I was making this declaration of what he needs to change I realized that , HE doesn't have a problem with WHO he is, he thinks that this is acceptible, and when I try to show him that what he is thinking and doing is wrong, he keeps thinking I am jumping on his back telling him what and A hole he is, and how worthless he is, and it hurts his feelings,

EVEN tho I never said these things , this is how he felt inside,
and after i realized this, you could see based on his responses, how insulting this can be, and hurtful , and judgemental ( and of course he being who he is didn't have the skills to verbalize this)

Now I want to skip to the physical part,
ARE YOU PRESSING HIM, Cornering him and forcing him to act out? Does he tell you to leave him alone and then you try to force and answer out of him,?

I sort of have a feeling your creating this your self,
( please i don't think he should touch you BUT)

He is also only human and if you corner someone they can feel like they have no other option, so look inside yourself and be completely honest, are you demanding he answer you when YOU want him to, and then when he does, do you feel that its just not good enough, and continue to pick at him until he either gives into your way, or Blows UP.


I have a good feeling that this is the case,

NOW I know you SAY you read book after book,
But I want to suggest a WORK BOOK for the 2 of you to read through TOGETHER,
even if he won't then read it your self, and you'll see what i am talking about,

http://info.bahai.org/article-1-6-4-1.html

http://info.bahai.org/article-1-7-6-4.html

http://www.bahai.us/strong-marriage

Marriage Can be forever-Preparation counts
this is the name of the work book

Here is the link to purchase it,
http://www.marriagetransformation.com/store_MCBF3rdEdition.htm

i have also read Pure Gold- great and easy read
http://www.marriagetransformation.com/store_PureGold2.htm
13 dollars

Both are really great and give you the best idea of where you are and where you need to BE,
Which is the important part,

Now you can have a study group, basically invite people over to read thru the material, and this is a great idea because its in a group setting and doesn't become a complaint session, and also gives you an oportunity to hear the MALE perspective, and its and active way to get him to participate, and see up close he is not the only one, and there is another way, and that this happens in LOTS of families

Now I know your thinking, this is religious BUT its NOT,
Pure Gold is a Non denominational approach,


Marriage Preparation counts is a Work book,
That starts from the beginning, this is useful because many people find that they missed a step before marriage, ,

OK MEE too, right

But whats good is that it shows you where you've gone wrong, and then helps you change, and fix your marriage the way it is NOW.

Now, I am gonna get off, but email me if you need to talk,
I wouldn't ever judge you, but I will give you my honest opinion, even if you don't like it, and of course you can always do as you please RIGHT.

Good luck
It can get better

Meg

Answer 3

Hi this is Marie Tess a filipina married to an american too i was reading ur problem regarding on how you can save your marriage i can feel how you really feel right now because we have the same problem,But not exactly the same the way your husband behave.
Anyway i just want to share you a piece of advice though Im not very good adviser hahaha i just want to help in anyway.

why dont you try the so called""reverse phsyciology?""
If your husband doesnt want to listen to you or it always ended up to an argument or you keep blaming each other because as u said he always thought he is always in a right way.Why dont you try to let his anger pass or just let him keeo on saying what he want to say till he calm down,i mean just ignore him while he is on the top of his anger ok?wait till he calm down before u will approach him on whats going on dont interupt him while at the height of his anger otherwise you will surely ended up fighting."
Try those stragety first see if there's an improvement because i did that too and i can say it work on us though im not saying my husband temper is gone.Its still there because thats a part of his behavior and nature but atleast i know how to deal with him so that it will not be the cause of our break up too.
By the way thanks for letting me share my opinion to you
Hoping to hear from you too
pls feel free to pm me too or send me an email if u can so we can help each other ok?
thanks and Goand bless you
here i will leave u my personal emial add so can contact me if u have time [e-mail] ([phone])

Answer 4

This is a tough situation. It is hard to see someone who is attempting to work so hard at a relationship and someone who isn't. There is never an excuse for physical abuse. If he is a threat to you physically you need to get out of the house as soon as possible. He keeps putting off anger classes, then leave until he begins them. He clearly has a problem with expressing his emotions in a positive and effective way. Let him no that you love him, but you also love yourself. You deserve a relationship in which you are respected. If he is not willing to put forth the effort to save the marriage you cannot be expected to reciprocate. Marriage is supposed to be teamwork and you cannot have a one man team. It is time to show him that you mean what you say and let him prove to you that he is deserving of you.

Answer 5

i be attentive to what you're dealing with. i've got been throughout a similar. i might advise which you do not attempt to conceal your emotions from the two of them. Anger and emotions of betrayal are regular. they're in a incredibly terrible place too now, yet as a manner to make the acceptable judgements for themselves and for you they must be attentive to the way you experience and what you're thinking. thoughts are working warm and that they'll in all probability say and do issues which they'll experience sorry approximately. Your mom desires to run away, that's regular. i'm guessing, considering the fact which you do not want to leave, which you like your Dad and the region the place you reside. it rather is nice you instructed her you do not want to go. in case you like her to take heed to, honesty (blunt honesty) is often acceptable. My mother and father seperated: my Dad have been given remarried and my mom has jumped from relationship to relationship. it rather is been an particularly bumpy experience yet i will say that i've got come out of all of it good and a lots better guy or woman. Your mother and father nonetheless love you. issues could look chaotic and dark good now, yet I promise that it will get greater acceptable.

Answer 6

He is a runaway train and his resect for you is very little. There needs to be an ultimatum: Either go to class, get help... or I am leaving. (You MAY want to go with him ??)
Sounds like he is also in turmoil, maybe from some kind of guilt (cheated or has someone else).
You MUST take a stand and create a position. Don't end up on the front page of tomorrows newspaper.

Answer 7

I am reading the book: When Love Goes Wrong - Strategies for women with controlling partners. I was going through the same thing.

The book is by Anne Jones and Susan Schechter.

It really helped me decide to either stay and work on it or leave.

I do know one thing, if he hit you, it will only get worse. GET HELP!

Answer 8

Well, give it a try by approaching your discussions with him differently. Try not to get upset or accusatory, and do not tell him has to do anything at all.

Simply express your feelings. Tell him that right now you feel neglected and un-loved. You're not accusing him of not loving you or neglecting you - you're just saying "I feel unloved. I feel neglected." Tell him that when he yells at you, you feel hurt and small and you want to cry. Tell him that you aren't blaming anything on him, because there's nothing to be blamed for. You just feel these ways, and that you want him to help you.

If he gets all smart and loud about it, just let him finish and then say, calmly, "Right now I feel awful. I feel abused. I am very hurt."

Most of us guys react to women in pain or suffering or crying much like we react to children - in a protective and "fix it" manner. Most of us will try to make it all better. If he doesn't, well, go talk to a professional because I'm at a loss.

Answer 9

Next time you guys are talking or arguing or anything like that and he starts making excuses...you should tell him in a very stern voice " Look you can keep making excuses but im letting you know right now, you are losing me and if you keep this up it will be to late one day." Maybe you saying that will wake him up a little, and if it doesn't at least you warned him. If he doesn't shape up, then eventually he will lose you.

Answer 10

Go to your local womens center and get a referral to a counselor.

I can tell you from experience as well as research that the cycle of violence that you have entered is unlikely to stop.

Quite frankly, I think you need to remove yourself from this relationship, and quickly. The longer you stick around, the worse it will get and the harder it will be for you to leave because you are being conditioned to accept the abuse.

Please get some help.
Best wishes.