When did your sex life return to "normal" after having a baby?

Question

Just curious. I had my daughter on July 23rd of this year so it's been almost 4 months now. I had her vaginally and I tore & had some stiches. I wouldn't say it still "hurts", but everything down there just feels different. When we try to have sex, it feels tighter in weird places and creates a pulling (almost like tearing) sensation, not bad, just uncomfortable. Not to mention, I'm in total mommy-mode. I'm not really interested in sex. Thank goodness my husband is as into our daughter as I am. By the end of the day after we both work and come home and take care of her we just crash for the night. On the weekends I'm so excited to spend time with her I'm just not really in the mood to have sex, you know? I've discussed this with my husband so he doesn't feel that I'm neglecting him. I also got an IUD about a month ago and I've been spotting EVERYday since :(

Also, I haven't come to accept my "new" body as of yet, the extra weight, the stretch marks. I am also breastfeeding, so I'm not real interested in my husband messing with my breasts at all now. Just wondering how you other new moms feel....

Tylersmom - lol, we have only had sex 2 times as well! And this second time I kinda just wanted to make sure that my IUD was in place and wouldn't bother him before I go for my next checkup, I know, bad reason to try for sex.

Thanks for all of your encouragement ladies. I wish I could be more intrested in having sex, I do feel bad for my husband. A lot of the time I am taking care of my daughter, he helps out, but I know he has to feel left out. I feel like I should want to have sex for him, but I'm thankful that he's understanding :)

It's good to hear that other moms out there are just not into "it" like I am!!

Answer 1

You just described my life... haha. I didn't get an IUD but that's the only detail that is different... It drives my husband nuts but I can't help that I always have other things to do and other things on my mind, sex is just not the top priority, ever.. I wish it wasn't that way. Also any time that our son is sleeping, it is just so weird to do anything when he is in the same room, its just all different now... our son is almost 3 1/2 mos and we have only had sex 2 times! which has been fine for me, not so much for my husband! but it is hard when you have a baby, everything changes for us ladies after a baby!

Answer 2

Actually my sex life is better and I have more than before I had my boys. I know it may seem silly for us to have 8 month old twins ( who I am currently nursing) and have our sex life increase, but it's true. Plus it's gotten better as well. I didn't expect that to happen, so I was pleasently surprised. Although I did not deliver naturally (c-section) and I was put on bed rest for a month and so we hadn't had any sex in a long time. When my bleeding stopped after I gave birth, we were very ready to start. I was nervous about any pain, but I didn't experience any. Although like I said I didn't have any tearing or anything like that to worry about, plus I quit my job and stay at home full time with my twins. Although I take care of them 24-7 throughout the night and all day long!!! I think I work more now than I did before! But it makes a difference with my husband because we can spend more time together. I think he is less stressed because I am not working so it puts his mind at ease, and on to other things...lol

I should mention however, that neither of us can do anything when the babies are crying (kinda ruins it...lol) and neither of us are bothered by the breast feeding thing. To us it's two seperate issues. But I know that can become a problem with some couples.... he hates the thought of "tasting" the milk though but that's about it.

Answer 3

What you are going through is very normal!!! The best advice I can offer is try to be really in the mood. Try longerie and such to make you feel sexy. Mommy mode especially through the first year is really hard to break. Use a good lubricant. Breast feeding keeps your hormones crazy and you won't get as wet, making it more uncomfortable. There just becomes a new normal!!!!! It's hard becuase our bodies change and our hormones change. It's something I have had to work hard at after each of my past 3 births. I would say that around 8 months or so, things are much better in that departent. Good luck, and be patient, it will come.

Answer 4

I am pushing three months post-partum, and sex is absolutely unthinkable. (Forceps delivery; total mess... I am still in some pain.)

And I know where you're coming from on the breasts, on the 'thank goodness my husband is as into our daughter as I am,' not in the mood, etcetera.

Not that that helps; just know you're not alone.


edit: re. "I do feel bad for my husband" -- oh, so do I, but that's not a reason to rush anything. You need to feel bad for YOURSELF, too. All the "Drink some wine and lube up" advice is not good, in my opinion; I am not interested in having sex when I don't want to have sex. I have a husband, not a john! My sympathy for new fathers only goes so far -- if they'd had stitches on their genitalia, I don't think they'd be trying to put out too quickly, and I also don't feel too bad about temporary celibacy that's shared -- it's not as though new mothers are any less sexually frustrated (or just sexually NOT) than new fathers.

Answer 5

YOU ARE NOT ALONE! My daughter is 11 months and things still are not "normal". I had a lot of stitches with her and it took a while, six months. I know what you mean about the breast thing. I still feel that way sometimes. I think it is very important for you to set aside some hubby and wife time. It is hard to be spontaneous right now, so make a date. Even if you just stay home, put the baby to bed, have a late dinner, take a bubble bath together-by candlelight. If you are not comfortable with your body focus on his, trust me he will love it. I promise it will get better. They say it takes 18 months to 2 years for your body to get back to normal after having a baby.

Answer 6

I didn't feel sexually normal until about 6 months. It totally hurt in all those weird places you described, and was DRY dry dry. Sex was totally not desireable. But for your husband's sake, slap on some lube and honestly try to make a go at it and have fun. You might be surprised to find occassionally you do get to "go" too. Men really need sex for their mental health, and you need sex for your relationship. He sounds great and understanding so that's awesome! I'd also get rid of the IUD if you are having problems with it and try condoms or diaprahm, and calendar/rhythem method and maybe even do it au natural on days you are definitly not fertile. I know it doesn't feel natural to have sex so soon, but try to be open minded, and also don't feel bad about saying "no" when you REALLY don't want to.

Answer 7

For me, it has been almost 7 1/2 and the discomfort during sex is just now starting to subside. (I had an emergency C Section after 2 days of labor and 4 hours of pushing. Also, I was 1 1/2 weeks overdue.) I couldn't care less about having sex at this point. Since my daughter has been born I definitely like cuddling better. My husband and I had the same concerns as you and I asked my doctor. She said that hormones are responsible for the lack of drive as well as sleep deprivation, sore nipples and possibly a built-in survival instinct that tells us that now is not the best time to create another life because we are already caring for one that needs lots of attention. (not to mention keeping track of a toddler while care for a newborn)

Answer 8

My daughter is eight months and I'm just now starting to think about sex again. I tore really bad (4th degree) so it was a little painful for awhile. I'd just have to say in the last couple of weeks it has really gotten back to feeling good again. And I mean really really good.

Answer 9

It goes back to normal?!?! lol

I didn't have any physical problems like you are having but my son is 18 months old and things are just different now. I love my husband with all my heart and soul but priorities have shifted and sometimes it is real work for us to make time to enjoy each other. It's worth it tho so hang in there!

Also, you might want to check with your OB/GYN if you're having problems like that... they can assure you if it's normal or if there is anything you can do. Don't be embarrassed, I'm sure it's nothing they haven't heard before!

Answer 10

Well, lets see here....LOL Our oldest is 2 1/2 YEARS old, and it has never gone back to the way it was. It's even better. :-D While the QUANTITY that we had before isn't there, the QUALITY more than makes up for it. I will say though that breastfeeding can screw with your libido. My almost 11 month old still nurses all the time; but I'm hoping that my drive will come back one of these days.