My husband and I have been married for a little over three years and have marital problems. We have had some pretty bad issues arise. He cheated on me almost a year ago and it took some time to recover from that. He also lied about a porn addiction and began to lie about the simplest things. Believe it or not things are getting better. They have been for the past four or five months. However, we do still get into arguments from time to time.
But I have asked him about having kids for the longest and he keeps saying he's not ready. He recently said our situation has gotten better but he's still not ready. This has been his excuse for the past two and a half years (we started having problems about four months after we were married). I won't say I haven't played my part because at times I can be very pushy and persistent, but I have been faithful and truthful througout this relationship.
I have PCOS (a fertility issue) so I will probably need fertility medication in ...
2007-11-12 06:04:10 · 18 answers · asked by Hoping he will bless me with #1 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Order to conceive. Actually, my doctor suggested it. We have been to the doctor and talked over all the options, but he's still not ready. What doesn't make sense to me is that he is not afraid that it would just happen when we have sex now. I suggested we use protection if he's not ready, but he said if it happens naturally that's fine. But he's not ready to try to make it happen. But in my mind, if you're not ready you're not ready so you'll do whatever you can to prevent the pregnancy.
Does this make sense to you?
2007-11-12 06:05:43 · update #1
Also, another issue is his mother has said from the very beginning of our marriage that we don't need to have any kids -- for whatever reason. She has never said why, but I am assuming it's due to our problems; however, I am almost positive that she is the reason he can't make a decision. I have asked him to sit down and talk about what we can do to get better prepare ourselves. You know -- no rush, no pressure. Let's sit and figure out what it will take for him to feel that we're ready -- for us both to truly feel that way. He doesn't even want to do that and he gets angry. If we have to wait another year or two, fine, but I want to be working toward a goal. Am I wrong for that?
2007-11-12 06:10:55 · update #2
Another thing - I am 30 and he is 20. I do realize that there's still plenty of time to conceive, with chances already being low I feel they will be even lower as I get older.
2007-11-12 06:12:31 · update #3
OMG - I made a mistake ... I am 30 and he is 29 (hit the wrong key).
2007-11-12 06:14:23 · update #4
You need marriage counseling ASAP. Go pick up the yellow pages right this meaning and find a local family counseling clinic and call them.
Most counseling clincs will work on a sliding scale so you pay what you can afford.
Tell them you want short term counseling that is ususally about 12 weeks. I think you need to tell you husband that you either go into counseling or get a divorce and if you can't work things out in 12 weeks you are going to have to think about separating because let me tell you, babe...you can live in limbo about this baby issue until your uterus dries up and then you could end up getting a divorce anyways so you will wind up unhappy and kidless.
You have to get his mother to back the heck on out of your relationship and YOU take charge. You don't do this by saying anything, you do this by doing...
Tell your husband in counseling that if you want to have a marriage you and he are going to have to build an electrified fence around yourselves and then just you and he will talk about your relationship and children...and he can tell you things he feels after giving you good reasons--well, thought out reasons for wanting children or not wanting children...and you can work through your affair...and if at the end of it you all feel like you can go forward then by all means, go forward and be happy...
But this guy hasn't grown up and clearly has a tough time owning his own feelings and behaviors which is often tough for men who have domineering mothers....as his seems to be...sometimes they are worth waiting for, sometimes they aren't.
2007-11-12 06:44:10 · answer #1 · answered by joellemoe 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Wowza honey...you wrote a book. Bottom line, DO NOT get pregnant unless you are through with problems. A baby will just be one more thing to fight about and will be a victim. Get yourself on the right track for 3-5 years and then discuss it, but if he's not ready it is because he's being realistic about it all. Babies don't save marriages, but they can cause the breakup. You already have too much stress. Work on your marriage and then if over time it gets a lot better, you'll know when it is time. Finally, why would you want to have a baby with someone who says they aren't ready? It needs to be mutual and the only way it will be a positive thing is if you both agree that it should happen. Good luck.
2007-11-12 14:23:32 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I have a male friend who talked with me about a similar issue. He feels if it happens naturally, it is fine, but does not want to do all of the fertility regimine as he feels like he is not adequate enough if that is in play. It bothers him.
The scientific discussion does not work with him. He just feels his sperm is able to overcome whatever is happening in her. He is not taking a realist point of view.
When we talked, I realized he really does feel that their relationship is inadequate because of this. After we talked and achieved some rational level of discussion, he looked up and realized this is not a big deal. If enhancement is needed to make sure of conception, than do the fertility treatments.
This was a week or so ago. I have not heard the final outcome.
In your case, are you satsified that he is at a level of maturity to go down this road? If so, can you trust him for the next 18 years or more?
If you are confident you are ok in those departments, I would sit him down and have a rational discussion. You have PCOS, and you need to follow the recommended course. Does he fear anything about your reaction to treatment? What is holding him back?
Get your answer. You deserve it.
2007-11-12 14:15:36 · answer #3 · answered by Sev 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Work on one thing at a time. Any issues you guys have together now will become much more difficult to work through once you have kids.
There's a reason he doesn't want kids yet, so don't force it. 3 years is not that long when you have an entire life together. You wanting it so bad is creating the pressure, even if you're not trying to pressure him. Just be patient and let time do its thing.
2007-11-12 14:21:43 · answer #4 · answered by rorybuns 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Wow, thats a hard one. First I will say that you are good for staying in a relationship where the trust was taken away from you. Secondly, was children discussed before you two got married. Where there signs of him not wanting children? I think for him to say he is not ready for children after 3 years is because it will limit his freedom. He wont be able to do certain things once the children start coming. Dig deep in yourself and determine if this is the person you want to have children with?
2007-11-12 14:12:51 · answer #5 · answered by stcarter79 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Your husband may be afraid of the fertility issue and what it will entail to get you pregnant. Many men are ignorant of what it takes to help a woman get pregnant. He knows he has to give samples but is unsure how they get them, and then the cost of it can be frightening to anyone.
You will regret pushing him into it because it will definitely affect his libido if you are conciously trying to get pregnant.
Since things are getting better for you why not wait til they have been better a lot longer than four or five months? Just go naturally and see what happens.
Good Luck
2007-11-12 14:14:11 · answer #6 · answered by mn lady 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
actually, I suppose it doean't really add up. I think he has some control issues there maybe, it's as if it's okay not to use a condom when he says it is, and what you say doesn't matter and therefore means nothing to him. Then to say if it happens naturally, yet he says he's not ready. Sounds like he's not ready to be a man. I wouldn't get in too much of a hurry , it sounds like it would make it worse on you right now.
2007-11-12 14:14:02 · answer #7 · answered by doc 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
My goodness...You and your husband are not anywhere near ready for children and it has nothing to do with not being fertile.....Your husband is a cheater and a liar....and you want to have a child with this man? Bringing a child into this relationship will not help your marriage...it will most likely make things worst....Your marriage is a train wreck waiting to happen...
2007-11-12 14:12:08 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You are not wrong, but it sounds like he's just not wanting to have any kids, period. It may have nothing to do with the problems you two have had. It might be that his mother has ingrained it in his head that he should not have children. I hope you can get him to discuss it, but if he gets mad when you bring it up, there is not much you can do. Your next action depends on how much you really want to have children.
2007-11-12 14:14:50 · answer #9 · answered by makeloans2 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
its an issue a lot or guys go through. at 3 years of marraige, thats that time that yes, you'd start thinking of kids. but for men, it's a bigger step in life then marraige. so yes what he's saying makes sense. its just his way of saying "i don't want to decide on it, but just let it happen"
2007-11-12 14:13:32 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋