I need to learn to cope or lose the marriage.?

Question

If my spouse really knew what i was feeling inside, it would hurt too much to stay in the marriage.

My spouse has a severely handicapped child from a previous marriage. This is hard for me to cope with, and makes me very uncomfortable. We are rarely intimate and i believe this is because i associate my spouse with this child. How would revealing this affect my marriage?

Answer 1

It is not your husband's fault for his child's condition, but it's also not your fault that you feel this way. Clearly, you don't like feeling this way, and so you wouldn't choose to be like this if you could help it.

I recommend you talk to a councelor or therpist before talking to him.

Your feelings are no one's fault. Don't blame yourself. Just deal with them.

Answer 2

I don't think that's why you are not intimate with your husband, I think that is the excuse you're using for a reason. As for "associating your spouse with this child", DUH; it's his child. Look, If you are afraid possibly that if you get pregnant and your child turns out like the other child that's a valid fear, but that is something you should have discussed with him before you chose to marry him. That would be especially if he is wanting to have children with you. BUT,if he isn't even looking to have more children, you have nothing to worry about. If this was the case, then you have something else going on as to why you're not being intimate with your husband. Either way these things should have been discussed prior to you accepting his proposal. Now you want to know if bringing up your discomfort with the idea of him having a handicapped child is going to have an affect on your marriage? Let me think ...hmmmmmm...ugh YES!
The possible scenarios of this discussion; separation; if married less than a year, annulment; end result divorce. Stop being so selfish and grow up.

Answer 3

You might love your spouse.. But your definately not inlove with him/her. Dealing with a disabled child can be hard, and it can take a toll on ones marriage in a financial sense. However, unless the child is in the room with you or the child has a tendency to walk into to room at night. This shouldn't affect how you look at your spouse, moreover, how he/she is intimately. U must have known about the child before u got married. Even if he/she wasn't living with you at the time. But you still got married.

Don't use the child as an excuse. You are not uncomfortable because of the child. If you're not in love with the person, you're just not. You can't force yourself to love.

Answer 4

WOW! thats tough. Well sit down and talk to him about the intimacy issue.

About the child. Well if you knew that he had the child before you guys started the relationship then you should accept him for what he is (a Father with a handicapped child). You've put yourself in a bad position after making a commitment with this guy without acctually thinking about the future with him and his child. That child is a part of him. You should've thought about the downside of this relationship that your going into first before going in it.

You did'nt say what things bothers you about this child so I don't know what to say about that. But worst comes to worst. If you theres really nothing else you can do. Just talk to him and admit it. You'll hurt his feelings but it's best way to go about it.

If you can't do anything about the child making you uncomfortable then tell him upfront and see if he can help you with it. If you guys really love each other then both of you guys will work on it.

My dad always tells me. "The Man should always put his wife first. Then together the husband and wife takes care of the family". Good luck.

Answer 5

I feel really bad for the child. He or she didn't ask to be this way. Now his father's wife doesn't want him because of this handicap? That child will feel like he or she is the cause.

Do you feel like your husband spends to much time with the child? You sound spoiled. Marriage is not going to be all fun and games. Marriage is about love, and this includes loving that child. It means sticking by each other through the thick and thin.

I think you should spend MORE time getting to know the child. Perhaps you are scared of what you do not understand.?

Learn about their disabilities, interact, and learn what real love is all about.

As for what you should do, that depends on how strong a person you are. If you are weak, you will walk.

Answer 6

This is a hard question to answer without knowing how the spouse and child interact, but in reality, given the choice, he will probably choose his child over you. That's not to be mean, I would do the same thing. Therefore, I think you need to get out. I understand what you are saying, and if you are associating your spouse with his child, you need to just get out. There should be no "deal with it" attitude on your part. Quite frankly, you need to love the child, or get out. I am not judging you if you can't love the child, but it isn't fair to the child, your spouse, or yourself to stay.

Answer 7

You probably should talk to a counselor and find out why you feel that way. Are you afraid you will have a baby like that? I realize you are hurting, but it is a problem you need to deal with, it has nothing to do with your spouse. You probably shouldn't lay a guilt trip on the spouse by telling. It would cause pain without helping in any way. I mean, they can't change the child, believe me they would have if they could. Find a councilor and deal with your issues and you will feel much better.

Answer 8

Well honesty is always the best policy...I am sure your spouse had a hard time adjusting to the handicap at first and needed to learn to adjust to it. Just be very tactful in the way you approach the subject. It might be a good idea to do some reasearch about the handicap online or by talking to others dealing with children with the same problem.

Answer 9

Well, it's definetely not true love I can tell you that. What does the child have to do with your husbands physical attributes? Does the child make you sick? When did you think your husband was gross?

Honestly, it is better to divorce him because you obviously only think about yourself. Give him a chance to find a real woman - someone who is a true friend, loving, caring, nurturing, compassionate, understanding, etc to him and his child. He doesnt stand a chance with this as long as his has someone like you obstructing his chances.

So, for once do somethign you've never done before - put him first. Leave him. Come out and be honest with him. This way he'll know what a monster you are to LOOK DOWN on him and HIS CHILD.

Answer 10

He had this child when you married him. They were a package deal. If you feeling uncomfortable with the situation, he probably knows who you feel. You associate this child with your spouse because he is the child's father. To be very honest, without being rude, I think this sounds very shallow of you. If you said you werent intimate because you both were mentally and physically exhausted that would be one thing. But it sounds like the physical unpleasantness of having a handicapped step child is effecting your intimate relationship. This child deserves to have a step mother who loves and cares for him/her without passing judgment. Your husband deserves to be loved and cared for, based on who he is. I think you need to talk to him about your feelings, if you love him, you need to work on your acceptance of this situation. Counseling may be in order. Good luck.

Answer 11

I don't think you need couples counseling, I think you need individual therapy. You are not the only one to be uncomfortable around handi-capped people. Many people in society are uneasy around people with disabilities...the people that stare and are grossed out by it. All you can do is try to figure out why you are so put off by it. Honestly, what I would do if I were you is volunteer somewhere with people with severe disabilities. Sometimes you just have to jump in and get to understand people, disabled or not. You might find that you really were just afraid of it and once you are forced to deal with these humans on a personal level you feel better about it. I have my degree in Psychology and have volunteered MANY places with many different people. There were times I REALLY didn't want to go but I knew I would be disgusted with myself if I didn't go. So I went and really gave myself the opportunity to connect with people and soon I was enjoying it. Open yourself up for acceptance and REALIZE that every person is human, has feelings, and deserves to be accepted!