How much longer should I let him "try to change"??

Question

My husband and I have been married for a year and together on and off for 10 years. A little background info..we met when we were 14 years old in drug treatment, I got pregnant and raised my son alone for 5 years, he then says he wants to have a family, I went back to him, got pregnant with a second child, and he slept with my cousin in my living room while I was sleeping. I left again, fininshed school and changed my life. During that time he continued using, and ended up in prison for 3 years. I was married to someone else, and that was a miserable situation too, which produced another child. My now husband 'Changed" while in prison and I got back with him about 2 days after my first marriage ended. I have been able to get my RN degree, and actually have some confidence now, he is verbally abusive to myself and my kids. I know this sounds like an easy decision, but I feel a lot of guilt. He and his mother blame all his on me, and say I have a problem with "running away"

Answer 1

It's easy to tell you the obvious answer to your question which is get away as quickly as possible and you deserve better, blah, blah, blah. I think you already know that.

I'm just wondering why do you stay with him. Do you not feel as if anyone else will "love" you? If it was just you, I'd probably say try to make it work if you really love him. However, you have children and you said that he is abusive, in and out of prisonand so forth. As a mother, you have to put your personal feelings aside and do what's best for your children. You don't want them to grow up this way do you?

I love this passage that I found on
http://www.mynippon.com/nao/story53.htm

1. He is not the last man on this earth and there is more to life than being stuck in a dead-end relationship.

2. Life goes on even if you are hurt.

3. You can heal and have your self esteem rebuilt.

4. You can dream again regardless of your age, health status or number of kids.

5. You can still get your confidence back.

6. Yes, you can be financially independent and make it big on your own.

7. Never make a ‘man’ your God – he is only human like you.

8. Yes, there are men who respect women and will treat them like a lady.

9. Be concerned about your happiness and what makes you feel like a total person.

10. Remember the more time you take in making that decision to get out the more time you will lose and never will you get it back. It means you will never know what you were capable of contributing to the world.

In conclusion, remember that you were created a unique and beautiful individual both inside and outside. It does not matter where you are coming from but what matters is where you are going to be tomorrow. By that I mean if your background is poverty, abuse, etc., just know that it will never determine where you are going to be tomorrow as long as you will make up your mind to do something about it. So you have a choice and the final decision must come from you.

Get rid of your guilt and forget what his mother says. Do what's right for your children. You know what you need to do, now do it.

Best of luck!

Answer 2

AGREED!!!! But i did listen to the songs. I couldn't help myself. I went to listen to the short snippet of pain of love to get the lyrics for someone but it ended up being the whole song. I switched out of the video immediately but then i went back cuz it was really cool in the begganing. I was soooo sad for the boys and was super pissed that they were all leaked, whoever did that should be shot. I liked all the songs A LOT though! There really good and different. And Tom sings in one!!! Plus i don't care about the topic in Human Connect Human. I wouldn't be surprised if it was written by Tom lol. Sex is Sex, everyone does it sometime in their life. Plus they sang about it in Reden and they where younger. Isn't Bill a virgin? i thiink he is being that he would rather love a person then hook up for one night. That hopeless romantic... :) I've only been a Tokio Hotel fan for a little over a month now. Their music moved me. The first one I herd was "Don't Jump" and I actually understood and connected with everything, being that i lost my father to that. Ever since i herd that song I listened to all their songs and I was amazed at how powerful the lyrics were! I don't like JoeBro sap lyrics, they seem fake and meaningless. But when i accidently came upon Tokio Hotel, I found a band i really liked! I love that they are not from where I'm from (America) which means they are untainted and different. So no matter what i will love Tokio Hotel. Their songs make sense, songs on topics most artists avoid. They have guts! Plus Bill is the most beautiful person I have ever seen. Nothing can change that. Not his hair, makeup, clothes... He will always be silly Billy whose smile can brighten my day and accent that makes me euphoric. So no matter what ppl say, I love Tokio Hotel, I love the band member, and I love all you other Tokio Hotel fans out there. Were like a big family and I love you guys! :)

Answer 3

Wow - it sounds like you've had a rough time & things probably aren't going to get any better if you stay with him. You seem to be doing well for yourself by getting your degree & all, so you need to keep that positive forward motion. You also need to think of your children...they do not need to be in a verbally abusive environment, and neither do you. You should just be on your own for a while, & let things fall into place. It is not worth the misery & stress that you & your children will endure. It is okay to be alone.

Answer 4

I think your problem is not running far enough away. You have your life together with no help from this deadbeat and children to consider. Do you really want your children growing up watching a man abuse them and their mother only to later repeat the cycle? You know what you have to do, get away from him and his deadbeat mom because they are poison to you and your children. Forget about men for a while, you seem to be doing fine on your own. If you're lonely, get a dog. They won't kick you when your down.

Answer 5

Your only problem was that you did not keep running! This man is a loser and will always be a loser. Do you want your children raised in that kind of enviroment, learning to have no respect for their future spouses?

Don't feel any guilt, feel pride that you pulled yourself up and made something of yourself and then think about what is best for your children. You will have no trouble is saying goodbye permanently to this man.

Good Luck

Answer 6

no, its over...he does not deserve another chance from you..please move on and find a nice, good man to be in your life...and your children's lives. There ARE men out there who are not abusive and do not have problems like this....please move on from this person, and the types of men you have had in your past, and start a good life with someone who can treat you right.

Answer 7

If he's verbally abusing you, then he surely hasn't changed for the better. I would say you have been generous with the time you've given him. If his family is verbally slamming you and your husband is not supporting you, you are an island. Move on.

Answer 8

I would like to congratulate you for taking control of your life. Regarding the verbal abuse you are receiving, my suggestion to you is to ignore it and stay away him, he is a looser with a capital L.
You deserve better.

Answer 9

Do you feel guilty when you flush your bm down the toilet? Thats what you need to do to him... flush him like he was a bm cause thats all he is. You cant spray perfume on a bm dont try to spray him.

Answer 10

Try couples therapy? If he really does want to be there for you and your family he will agree to it easily. If not i think you have your answer.
Plus your instinct's are there for a reason, what ever they are telling you listen to them x