Husband "confused" about his love for me. Huh?

Question

I have been wanting another child (we have a 5 yr old daughter) for over 2 years. Hubby said he wasn't ready, but didn't give any real reason. 2 days ago I said I needed a reason for his reluctance as this has been an ongoing issue. He finally (after me asking what the deal is for all this time) said he isn't sure if he is still in love with me. He said he does love me and always will but doesn't know if he is in love with me. Said he doesn't want to have another child and end up leaving. I am totally shocked. We have had small issues but we really get along great. We love being together, love our daughter and I thought loved our life together. He said he is confused and doesn't know if he really isn't in love any more or not. We haven't had sex in about 4 months which isn't normal for us and I KNOW he isn't having an affair. My best friend thinks I should just end it but since that talk we have been fine and he is being super nice and loving. What the heck? Should I leave?

I thought he didn't want to have sex because of my kid obsession (which is partially true) and maybe that is why he is question his love for me. I have always had a higher sex drive than my husband anyway. I am very sure he is not having an affair.

I am, by the way, not mad about his feelings. I am upset and hurt and really glad he finally told me because I do want to fix it. Obviously I want this to work because I haven't left or gotten mad and pouty or anything. I just am trying to understand. Do I have issues, yes. I get that. I just want to do the right thing for my family and if my husband doesn't love me I feel like I deserve more than that just like he does.

Answer 1

Well, love over time can be very confusing.

Both genders have expectations of how their lives will turn out ... and both expectations are invariably wrong. He may be misinterpreting the lack of fireworks between you as the lack of love.

Its a hard thing for anyone to go through, but ultimately yes, you do end up having to come to the conclusion "Yes, this is all there is."

Its a very depressing conclusion - but most everybody gets through it.

I'm not sure how old you two are - if he's of the right age, we call it a mid-life crisis, but it doesn't always happen in your 40s. I've seen 20 year olds go through it.

Ultimately, he has to come to the conclusion that what you two are building IS enough and certainly that it is worth fighting for.

There are lots of guys out there driving arrest-me-red sports cars with bad toupees working this issue through. Its humorous to watch, but as you know, no fun to be a part of.

Answer 2

I would agree with siva, if your marriage and him are worth it, than dont give up so easlily. Trust me, the pickings out there arent the best, you may as well work with what you already have and know. I know for me recently, my husband told me he didnt know if he was in loved me either. Something about how I have change and not the same person I was once. I understood what he meant and yeah, we have had our issues as well and the whole no sex thing. Sure, I felt that he wasnt cheating since I had the higher sex drive in the relationship. Regardless of the advice that I took in from family and friend, in the end, its just me, my husband and family that have to resolve the issues within our lives. We decided to see a therapist to see if maybe we need an extra help to get us going where we needed to be. I am totally for finding happiness and make it your own, and if it doesnt happen, divorce. Been there done that, and all the in between before finding my second husband. But he is worth it to me, even if he is confused on if he love me. I wont keep him if he wants to go in the end, but as long as I know, i give it my best and fair fight in this web of love and marriage, I think I will be okay in the end of it, on what ever happens.

I think you should try to make it happen, re connect those old feelings. Yall fallen in love once, no reason why you cant stay in love, if both of your hearts are invested in it. Work it out, seek a professional help and if he still confused, its time to move on.

Best of Luck
Just my two cents

Answer 3

Without knowing your husband and only going by your side of this story, I could only congratulate you on having a husband that is honest with you. From the sounds of it, he is having an identity issue. Not knowing if he wants a family or if he is more suited to another lifestyle. Also since you have been getting along great lately, it seems as though he is rethinking his comments to you. Give the man some time for his own thoughts without the pressure of another child. Depending on how much pressure that you have been applying over this issue, this could be one of the reasons for his feelings. As far as you leaving..... Don't let one bad conversation determine that you should leave a relationship that you admit that you would rather hold on to.

Answer 4

This is one of my biggest fears as a 30 year old never been married woman. Loving someone is SO different than being IN LOVE with someone. I consider loving someone to be more of a family/friend type deal whereas being in love with someone includes your soul and spirit. I also think it is possible to fall out of love just as easily as falling in love and from my experiences it sneaks up on you. I do think it is possible to fall back into love with someone but honestly think it would take some professional guidance as far as sparking those feelings again. Furthermore, I think it is possible to be happily married to someone that youlove but are not in love with. I have certain friends that I love so much I COULD spend everyday with them for the rest of my life because I love them. That said, I think sex is a pretty important part of marriage and needs to be in the equation more often than every 4 months...ask if he's willing to work on this and see someone maybe. I do think it is something you can get back but he needs to be on board. Also, shelf the baby thing until this is cleared up...he made the right decision in that regard even if it is hard to accept.

Answer 5

I just answered a question this morning about this, and I agreed that it sounds like the husband has someone else in mind and does not want to be tied down with more child support.Whenever they start telling you that they are not sure if they love you, I would say it is almost(there are exceptions) a sure thing he has someone else.I am older, and my ex told me this and I didn't find out until 4 months later that he had someone else to pursue.Good Luck!

Answer 6

This happens and he is reaching out to you. Time to get back to the point when you were both so magically in love. You are that same person, as is he. You two must take time for the two of you only; it is being hidden by the every day ups and downs in life. He just wants a little excitement back and you two can certainly make that happen.

Answer 7

That had to really hurt because you obviously love him very much. I think his honesty is a good thing. He has been feeling this way for 2 years. I think he wants to work it out too because he has stayed for the last 2 years. why don't you try some sort of professional help. I am big on telling everyone to "get out of the relationship" but my gut tells me that this one can be saved.

Answer 8

I would try family counseling first and if he is still unhappy and not in love with me and the passion has not come back into our marriage, I would start looking at how we would split things up and who would get what and visitation for our daughter. I would first suggest family counseling and seeing if there is someway that he would want to repair our relationship, if he doesn't then I would move forward without him because it is hard being in a loveless marriage and then him moving on to be unfaithful because he is not being fulfilled.

Answer 9

you should just leave for a while....Absence makes the heart grow fonder, it works my husband and I are proof. We separated for 6 mos and the night before I left he told me that the still loved me but wasn't in love with me anymore. I toughed it out and tried my hardest to get him back day after day night after night. He even blocked my calls. Then after a month of no contact and having him served divorce papers he relucantly changed his mind. Now all I have to do is keep him in love with me. He tells me that he loves when he knows that I am upset. I feel great about us being back together now if I can only make his daugther see that this is right. She is trying her hardest to get me to blow but I count to 10 and ask God to give me the strength to deal and some how the issue "blows" itself by

Answer 10

You really need marriage counseling. Together & seperately. A pro can help sort out hubbys feelings & get to the root of his problem. Also they can help you deal with this issue and the feelings you're having (confusion)
Best of luck to you both.