is it too soon?

Question

I have been separated from my STB ex-husband for about 6 1/2 months now. the divorce wont be final until late spring or early summer. I have completely moved on from him. I have absolutely no feelings for him what-so-ever anymore. Honestly.

i have since met a new guy. we are not dating, but we both like each other very much. we are giving it some time for now. YES, he was the FIRST guy to show me any attention since the spearation, but he is NOT the ONLY guy to do so. People say "its just bc you're getting something you havent had in a while" ... but i disagree. no one knows how i feel except me.

am i moving on too fast? i feel i am ready to start a new relationship, but i am not looking to rush things. my 3-y/o daughter even recognizes that him and i like each other. she says "at least mommy has ___" (this guy's name goes in the ___). and he loves my daughter and is good to her too. how soon is too soon?

in response to something written by teritaur:

my STB ex is chosing NOT to be in our daughter's life. he has chosen ON HIS OWN to not see her, call about/for her, or have anything to do with her. i am not looking for someone to replace him. i want him in her life. its his choice not to be. and if this pattern continues, then i would expect someone to be her father figure. but they will never replace him.

Answer 1

Dont think you are moving too fast. I was also in your predicament about 2 years ago. I am with my new man and we are engaged. We have a wonderful family and a beautiful daughter out of our relationship. If you want details about everything im willing to tell just email me. Just let me say though Follow your heart I did and it was the right decision. Who knows what comes around but when its found its good to try and hold on to it. Dont worry about what other people think about it if i did i wouldnt be happy right now.

Answer 2

You should take some time to regroup and 6 months is generally not long enough. It’s okay to date the other guy but take time to seriously get to know him, and most importantly be certain that he understands you. Have you ever heard the saying that men will do anything to get what they want? It’s true. That’s the reason he looks like the perfect person right now. Also, never take a 3-year-old advice as sound guidance, because at that age they can be easily manipulated.

It’s a huge mental adjustment associated with a divorce. You don’t know it, but you are vulnerable. Ther should be a transition period given that your life has been about us (referring to your husband, you, and your daughter) for so long. Now all of a sudden your life is only about you. Don’t rush into anything. If it is true love it will wait.

Answer 3

Darling... it's waaaaaaay too soon.
First of all - you need to be a woman on your own for a bit. learn how to be independent and strong without a man hanging around. That's better for your daughter than having boyfriends coming and going and always being on the prowl for a husband.

Second... what happened in the marriage? Why are you divorcing? It does take two? WHy did you get married in the first place? If youdon't analyze these things you'll make the same mistake again and again. Learn who you are what kind of men you're attracted to and why . You don't want to marry or be involved with man like you STBex. That will end badly. It always does.

Third - your ex will ALWAYS be in your life because you have a child together. He deserves to have her dad in her life. So do NOT go around looking for a daddy for her. In fact, Id say unless you decide to marry someone - keep your boyfriends out of her life. Unless you split upbecause he was an alcoholic abusing bum, your daughter is entitled and must have a relationship with her father, and it's in your best interest ton not just allow it but to encourage it. So get over any animosity and learn how to be civil to your eX. he is the father of your child - forever.

So yeah... way too soon to get into a relationship. Be an independent woman. Grow and learn about yourself first. That is afar better lesson for your child as well. NO 3 yr old should know about her mother's personal life at all.

Answer 4

Everyone moves on in different rates, but wait till the divorce is finial then take it slow, there's no reason to rush things you need to take time for yourself and your daughter, you need to heal your soul, the divorce will knock the wind out of sails there's the ups and downs only you will have to deal with it will be trying for you.
I know this first hand going through a divorce after 31 years and have only one child who's an adult now. I joined a support group, my daughter insisted on this called Divorce Care. Best thing I've done since I entered into this nightmare.
Just a thought you might want to think about.

Answer 5

I don't think it is too soon for you to start dating. Some people have rules about divorce..some say wait until it's final, others say once you're seperated. The only thing I would be careful about is your daughter and the time she spends around the guy, but I'm sure you've thought about that too. Although I've never been able to do this, I think relationships are better when they start as friendships. I would continue to take it slow but don't deny yourself time with this guy if you enjoy each others company. Just because you're getting divorced does NOT mean you have to be lonely while you wait for it to be final.

Answer 6

I would argue the only one that can answer this is you, I can not see what you think and feel. If you are over your ex, and can allow things to move forward that is something that you should look at. Though with a young child you must consider the implications which it has on her, maybe even ask her what she thinks of him as it shows her that she is your primary concern, and she feels like part of the process.

I would say even if you two start a relationship though take it slow, and allow things to develop at their own pace. While you both might be ready for this relationship allow time to grow into it and ensure its never the relationship you just got out of. Though with all matters of the heart it is impossible for me to see what you do, take a step back and evaluate things, give yourself a couple days, maybe even not see him for a day or two while you decide. If you are ready for it then take a deep breath and let him know(contrary to popular opinion some guys are a touch blind, and slow to react).

Answer 7

I personally think, its okay to feel new sensation, lust and desires for someone new. However, I disagree with your daughter knowing that you already are interested in someone other than her father. I am sure you trust this guy to a certain to degree to the matter of your heart, however, do you trust him alone with your child. You only been separated from your husband for six months, I personally think that it is too soon to be introducing another man into your daughter live already. As you said, you guys aren't dating, therefore, how do you know the longevity of this new relationship to allow it to already impact your daughter thoughts.

I am one to be a fool for love and allow love to take its path when it comes to my feelings, however, I dont allow my daughter to witness any of it until, i feel that this person is someone i could trust around her. It took me two years before allowing my daughter with another man after my divorce from her father, simply because I wanted to make sure, that she understood the situation with her father and I, too many changes at once isnt good for a child mind.

I understand you want to follow your heart and move on, however, i think you should think about your daughter first.

For what happens if this thing with this dude doesnt last, its on the the next one, so, your daughter is going to be seeing you with different men for the next years until you find the right one again...not good...

Just my two cents

Answer 8

I met my wife one week after she left her ex husband. We started as friends but became a couple after only a month. Two years later we were married and we've been married for six years. We're very happy. So, I'd have to say that its not too soon to start over. As long as you're sure about your feelings.

Answer 9

everyone would be different. if this guy is helping you in a time that could leave you down in th dumps and depressed then hes doing something right.. and love him for it. but if he is taking advantage of you going through a tough time then leave him. in my opinion the very next day is not to soon, why turn down a perfect opportunity.. just simply because you thought it was too soon.

Answer 10

You should at least wait until the divorce is final. If you really love him and can picture him with you for the rest of your lives then you should go for it.