My ex-husband has a secret he wants me to keep from our children...?

Question

He and I seperated in the spring and the next summer he got a woman pregnant. He ran away when she told him, but she got him in court with paternity test. He refused to have anything to do with the child, because he can't stand her now. He and I have 2 children together and he wants me to keep it a secret. The woman seeked my friendship, and I weirded out but part of me felt sad for her little boy. It probably bothered her to know my ex picked up our children for visitation. A haunting thought came in my mind: Don't we owe it to tell the children that they have a half-sibling? I feel it is not my place to tell the kids about this, but I also feel like they have a right to know. I lost even more respect for this man knowing he denies a child. He really played a number on me -- thinking he was a good man. But it is my resposibility to keep my children out of the middle. This is heavy news for a kid. My ex has attitude of what they don't know doesn't hurt them.

My son puts this man on a pedestal. I don't want to pop his balloons. I get disturbed though, when I see my son displaying negative behavior my ex had. I've caught him "cornering" his sister during arguement which is something my ex did to me. Another habit they share is getting satisfaction from "teasing" people. They do it to no end -- very unpleasant personality minuses. My ex was always very condescending to him Mother too -- criticized her set ways constantly. He always played the "victim" in all circumstances as well. ---- Okay by now you are asking "oh and are u so perfect?" NO. NO I am not. My flaws are of a different nature. I have many. But I guess I feel like I remarried to a good man and he brought the best out of me. I was at my worst when I was with my ex. I grew up a lot. But the violence and cheating existed in him way before he met me. Not heavy violence but pushing around and "cornering me" for an hour or two with his face up to mine --- yelling.

My biggest fear is that my son is a chip off the old block -- big time. That doesn't bother me because I dislike my ex -- but because my son may grow up and suffer the rejection and dislike that my ex got from people... his inability to embrace integrity and manlihood on the highest level.

FYI:

My son is 13, and my daughter is 10.

more FYI: the ex *does* pay child support -- but he refuses to have anything to do with the child

i was weirded out by her because of her own ways ------- culture clash -- - he contant screaming at her child ---- but I did attempt friendship. But we both came to the conclusion that we only reminded each other of what a mistake we both made with this man --- we were painful reminders to each other. She and I don't talk anymore--- her son is always in my prayers. I mean that.

Answer 1

I think Ellen is right, 10 and 13 is very young. They are developing values and learning right from wrong. If you throw in something lacking of value right now, it could change their idea of "normal".
Maybe just wait 2 more years.
You need to decide who's side your on! Is it your ex's? The kids? Pick a side, do what's right.
I think the woman was right in seeking you out, she want's her kid to know he has siblings-screw your ex-do what's right.

Answer 2

At this stage in their lives I wouldn't tell them. Your children will see what a jerk their dad is soon enough. Sometimes things like this has a way of making its own self known. I feel sorry for the child, but it may be a good thing that he isn't involved with his bio dad. My son found out he had a sister at 12, just a few months before she came to live with us... He didn't understand but with the love and understanding and many many talks and prayer he and his sister became close, today you would never know they weren't always together. They love and respect the other. They both blame their Dad for lying to all of us about her until HE HAD to tell the truth. I'm sure at some time in the future it will be revealed, at that time let thier DAD come clean and tell them the truth. But be prepared they will ask you if you knew about it and if so why did you keep it from them as well. I feel sorry for all 3 children they sure havent ask for any of this and its them who will suffer.

Answer 3

Can you say "Deadbeat Dad?" Cause that's what he is. He can't stand her? He should of thought about that before he layed down with her..look I don't want to sound like a brow beater but the facts are the facts..He's a lier, he is evading his responsibility as a man and a father and now wants to rope you and your family into the nest of lies. Yes you do owe it to your children but most important here is the little boy that is being denied a Daddy and financial support that is owed to him in the very least...why should he have to do without? Because his Mucked up parents couldn't for one rare moment control there urges? He should be the one to want to make this wrong right He has to be the one to initiate the whole enchilada...with his son and then with your kids..encourage him to do the right thing....you won't regret it..your are obviously the stronger of the two

Answer 4

Why did you weird out from her friendship? I would feel sorry for her and her little boy. He does not deserve to suffer. He is a victim of circumstance. He has no control over what the adults in his life do but it greatly affects him. I would tell the children. They are old enough to deal with this kind of information. I also would stay in touch with his mother and let them have a relationship with their brother. What they don't know can hurt them. When they are older and find out for themselves they might be resentful because they were denied a relationship with their brother. Children do not like it when they find out that you have kept secrets from them. They are punished when they do it to you because it is like lying they are told. Do not do to them what they are told not to do. Reach out to that woman and her child. Make all of the kid's lives better by letting them know each other. She is in the same boat as you are. She thought that she had a good man and was mistaken.

Answer 5

You're only shot at getting your ex back is to follow the right steps that will make her ask you to get back together. Learn here https://tr.im/NC1Na
Maybe if you broke up with her, then you might be able to be the one who brings up the subject of getting back together. But if you can do it without, it would be much better. But how do you get someone back without seeming desperate? In order to get your ex girlfriend attention, you have to show value without telegraphing your interest in her, while at the same time initiating interaction. So don't ignore your ex texts and calls when they break up with you. It screams that you are so devastated by the breakup that you can't even handle talking to her. You want to respond to her, but do it in the right way. You can even initiate communication if you do it in the right way. You have to maintain a strong frame of confidence, and show your ex girlfriend that your happiness isn't dependent on being with her

Answer 6

It seems as if you have thought about this a little but the only thing you shouldv'e done, you did not mention doing..Do you think that when your children find out they will not blame you also for treating them like they are stupid? Wrong...... You are as much to blame as he is and you are lying to yourself. What in the world are you talking about??? It is not your place to tell your kids they have a brother? Lady, you are right about one thing.... you do have some faults. I think that there is some sense of satisfaction knowing that that loser chooses your kids over hers and when your kids grow up and have no compassion for the suffering of others, you can brag and say, "They got that from me." It is your responsibility to teach your children how to grow up and be responsible adults but that won't happen, because neither you or your loser ex have taken responsibility for this child that you know should be apart of your childrens lives. This lady that has this little boy with "The Loser," don't know how lucky she is that you are a woman without compassion. I would praise the Lord for saving me from a family with beliefs like yours.....

Answer 7

Dont label or judge your son from his fathers actions. When you see him picking up some of his fathers bad behaviors, redirect him & let him know you do not allow that in your house. As far as the other woman goes, she really has no business getting ahold of you in my opinion. That is between him & her. If he is not going to man up & take care of his other child, that puts you & the kids in a weird situation since you did not pick her as a friend or an acquaintance. I would leave it up to them when they are adults if they want to be around her & her son. Right now its between him & her and if you get involved in this bad situation, she is going to lay all the problems she is having with them on your door step. So if you want that, then go ahead. With him not taking care of the baby, I dont think I would get involved unless you want the drama.

Answer 8

Secrets are bad. If he got this girl pregnant he should be supporting his child. As for the kids you should tell them. I have 2 half sisters. Ive known them all my life. And they might as well be my sisters. Wouldn't have it any other way.

Answer 9

look i be attentive to that divorce is a trauma, it may result you yet additionally your babies. permit your babies see the two one among you. in basic terms nonetheless under Your supper-ingenious and prescient. That way they get to work out him yet have secure practices. And if he has something that ought to scare of injury somebody tell him your leaving for the babies sake. inform you childrens that daddy did not mean to scare them and it develop right into a topic you 2 ought to of resolved by utilising counselings. in the event that they nonetheless do not want to work out their father, and are nonetheless afraid do not cause them to. tell him its the babies determination. worry can kill a new child interior. Its in all probability making them have nightmares. Ask them approximately that. in case you do not it ought to hang-out them continuously even whilst they're 20. P.S. could wanna take them to a trauma council er.

Answer 10

he's probably right, what the children don tknow wont hurt them. and what if they do? would it do them any good considering their age. let them grow up happily and only let them know when the time is right and they are grown up?
as for his new girl friend, let the law take care of it as he should has the reponsibility for what he did.

the children growing up is more important and if th enews can wait...so let it be.