I wrote this poem, Im 14 and i know im going to be the subject of public ridicule but please give your comment

Question

Cupid, must thou pierce me with thy searing arrows?
Other passions now fleet into the air,
My life meaningless otherwise but for her cause
Her lips fills the rifts in my cracked heart
Space between mine fingers only to be contained by hers

Staring down at me as she does,
The Stars mock me with their twinkle.
Oh Cupid thou art cruel
Separating us congenial

I pray the fiend take my soul,
Such that we lay in the abyss of fire
Where our passion can fuel flames forever

My heart aches, my soul fades
Everything away, for her grace

-End

Umm. I dont know how it sounds to you all, but if it sounds bad please leave comments on how I can improve.
I'm shortlisted for a English Talent Programme and I wonder if i should include this in my portfolio of writings. Thanks guys! (Good comments are really welcomed. Haha) Cheers!

Answer 1

It is great and comical.

Answer 2

Previous post is correct about grammar issues. The verbs you chose and how you handled 'em seems suboptimal to me--but it's corrigible error.

The swooning sentimentality embarrasses me--because I was fourteen once, and my bad verses (of which I am now reminded) were even stickier than yours, and rather clumsier.

I was also not so ambitiously literary as you are--and I applaud you for daring to stumble where I did not dare to step. I didn't tackle 'thou-thee-thy' until I was in my thirties--I abandoned the idea promptly, of course.

You erred a little here in mixing 'Cupid' with 'abyss of fire' and 'fiend'; those ideas really aren't quite consonant together. Pick a mythos and stick with it. Roman or Greek or Norse or Christian (or any other mythos that you're comfortable with); doesn't much matter what you go with, so long as your reader can go there with you. You probably got away with it this time.

I'd urge you not to hold this in your active portfolio past its use in gaining entry into the E.T.P. It's good enough for showing that you have native abilities; certainly after your next revision, it'll draw favorable attention your way.

Archive it as soon as possible. And never forget that you once wrote such stuff. (My archive of such stuff from my own work is called "What was I thinking?" It supplies records of my more interesting blunders that I show to the occasional overachieving poet with a perfectionist streak; it doesn't help them much, but I have to make the effort. Besides, I like laughing at the idiot I was then.)

Answer 3

I think it would be 'thine searing arrows', you might want to check that. I like the fact that you're trying for the classic poetry style, my favorite. I would try to find another word for 'otherwise' and also 'contained', it doesn't flow well. Are her eyes the stars? That's a pretty line.

Overall, I would say it was a good poem, especially for your age. It's nice to see young poets, that's one art that is not in the open. However, I think you have to make the choice whether or not to add it in your portfolio. Are you satisified with it? If not, keep trying, read it over and over again, share it with people who are close to you and get feedback.

I've never heard of English Talent Programme, but that seems very impressive. Good job and good luck.

Answer 4

Aside from the use of the outdated and somewhat archaic English, you done good, kid! If you could slap on the pseudonym of Chaucer or Shakespeare, it might work. But ... the fact is this is the 21st century and it's more legit to write in the language that it comes with. ONLY because it might come off as otherwise pretentious. Maybe you were born in the wrong century. But the message is pretty clear regardless. It's real pretty, from an older perspective.

Answer 5

For a 14 year old this is light years better than a lot of the poems than I read on here every day. It's really great. By all mean, include it in your portfolio.

Answer 6

FANTASTIC I was expecting something really bad from a 14 year old but thats better then anything i could ever write. You definately need to be in an english talent programme, and yes you should definately put it in your portfolio. WELL DONE!!

Answer 7

Its a really good poem and you obviously have some intense feelings about this one girl. Every artist, whether painter, author, poet, etc. has some intense emotion about something that brings out their creativity. You're definitely a romantic, but don't let this girl break your heart.

Answer 8

I liked it alright the only mistake I see is I'm about positive the word "congenial" is used wrong. I'd check it to make sure it's grammatically correct.

Answer 9

Got a little lost at first but it's not bad. Sounds just a tad too intense for someone so young but you definately have potential!

Answer 10

lol. yes cute. i would get rid of the "thou art"'s, its like you're trying too hard.
It does however (the remaing), express your good vocab and skill of stringing together neat sentances

adding one more thing. this is a little chiche. im trying to say lots of people try to do this kind of poem.. love, emotions, hate, sadness blah blah.
why dont you think outside the box? try googling the 17 year old's poem that won australia's writing award for a newspaper i cant remember!
he did one about his dad.
i hope i helped.

Answer 11

That is fine and you could include it - it shows you are capable of reading and writing better stuff than the garbage doled out to most schoolchildren. Good.