If you are upset at your spouse but you know that if you tell him why it won't do any good.....?

Question

Do you just tell him that nothing is wrong and try to forget about it? Does that work?

I have been married for 30 years but quite frankly I am at my wits end here.

People... this problem just showed up in the last 6 months...I just don't want to hurt his feelings....but mine are terribly hurt..

Answer 1

apparently "communication" works wonders...at least thats what they say.

;)

Answer 2

Lets begin with "your upset at your spouse", wrong!

Your upset with what he may or may not be doing or saying, "his actions and behaviors", Tell him how these thing make "You Feel". Not right or wrong, only how you feel. Here's the thing, 1/2 the time you will find that its your perception of the words or actions that's the problem. here's an example, a stranger slaps you on the rear (That's assault a crime), a friend slaps you on the rear, it might mean to you good luck, I love you, lets play or any number of non-malicious actions, same action, different people, completely different way you Feel... You husband may not even know that he is upsetting you because he doesn't care, he just doesn't know. Now if he dose and dose it anyway, you have a problem on your hands. I think you'll find he's unaware of your feeling because you don't tell him. Again, its not what you think, its how you feel. Remember that the other 1/2 is all about things he will need to change and If you begin to communicate your feelings he probably will have a few of his own about how he feels and could be why he acts or reacts which in turn effects how you feel. I hope you understand that is in the pudding (You'll get what you give, hopefully)

Answer 3

I try to tell him, even though it will upset him and even though he thinks it is already resolve, because it isn't resolved if it is still bugging me.

It may not do any good in terms of changing him, but it will do lots of good in that it will give you your say, you aren't a doormat, you have the right to have your opinion heard.

Having said that, around here, timing is crucial. If i tell him when he is not in a receptive mood, it will end up with him instantly on the defensive, or grouchy, or very angry again. If I approach him in a way that is non-confrontational, at a calm time, and say that it is important for married people to communicate, then he will look nervous and unsure, but not so much angry. Then is the time to hit him with it.

I've been married for 15 years, and have been with my husband for at least 20 years. I know him. I know that you know your guy. And you know in your heart what will do some good, whether that is confronting or not confronting. Whatever works for you, my sweet friend, only you can say.

Ponder it, meditate, gain your center, and listen.

Blessings,
Lady Morgana )0(

Answer 4

I have been married for four years and my husband at times can be very stubborn but if there is some piece of advise I can give you is to talk to your husband about the problem and tell him that you were scared to tell him about this because you think that things won't change tell him that this is very important to you and that you love him very much and though you might be having a small little problem right now you need his support for you guys to continue being married for years to come. Honestly I tip my hat off to you because you have made it this long with your husband at times I feel like telling mine is over but when you are in love things have a way of straightening out. Talk to him because it might not help the situation but at least you will have vented and your feelings are not bottled up. I hope I was able to help.

Answer 5

Depends on the offense. If it's a minor thing like your guy leaving the toilet seat up, it's not worth a major argument. You probably do stuff that's equally annoying to him.

If it's a larger issue, it's not good to keep quiet as things like that have a tendency to fester and then find their way out either in explosions or in passive-aggressive kind of ways.

Plus all of us deserve to be in a relationship where we can speak our mind to our spouses and have them listen and respond.

If you truly have tried and you know he will not listen and be responsive, then you have a choice:

a. stay in the relationship and know you will eventually make yourself miserable.

b. leave him and find someone who is responsive to you and your needs.

If he has been this way for 30 years - shame on him! If you have put up with it for 30 years - shame on you!

Marriage counseling would probably be the only logical step here, beyond divorce.

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If, after 30 years of marriage, a problem like this suddenly showed up, that's a huge red flay. What's changed? Why, after 29.5 years of being able to talk to him and have him be responsive are you suddenly afraid to talk to him and/or he's no longer responsive.

If nothing major has changed (job, house, kids, health) then you're just going to have to sit down and have a heart to heart. That will get to the bottom faster than any random Yahoo answer. If something major has changed, it could be he's under stress and just not talking about it.

Answer 6

I know the feeling. Married 23 years and still don't always tell him what's gone wrong. Usually for two reasons - either worried, as you are, about upsetting him (and having to put up with his bad mood then) or knowing that telling him is not going to make any real difference in the long run.
But at least if I tell him, its off my chest, and even if it doesn't improve things, at least he can't say he didn't know.

Answer 7

Well, if this "new thing" really gets your goat, I'd say that that trying to forget about it doesn't work.

When you say "it won't do any good" I assume you mean that even if you do state your position, he won't mitigate... and this has just come about in the last 6 months of a 30 year union.

I'd sure as heck say something about this "new thing".

Answer 8

Try a letter and give him a few days to chew on it
some men don't respond right away
but do make changes over time
after 30 years speak your mind
but kindly
stick to the point and the right now
and by all means tell him how he can fix it

Answer 9

Yes, you should tell him what's wrong. The reason behind that is that if you try to pass it off as nothing is bothering you but it really is, it's just going to piss him off and make him think that you are being passive aggressive. Communication is the key and you should just tell him how you feel. Just use the term "I" alot so he doesn't feel like you are blaming him. Best of luck!

Answer 10

It depends upon why you are upset. If it is something that you can learn to live with perhaps you can just say nothing is wrong but if it is something important to you, then you have to talk about it or it may build up with other things you don't talk about and you find yourself in court for a divorce. marriage has to be a give and take agreement and if one person gives too much or takes too much the relationship is broke and unless that is resolved a divorce is inevitable. It is better to tell him unless it is something you can learn to deal with and still be happy.

Answer 11

Wow, 30 years?!?! Hats off to you. I nearly went nuts after 10!
Anyway, being untruthful is never the answer. Just tell him what the problem is and see where the discussion goes.