What do I do?

Question

I have an interesting dilemma: I've been married to my wife for 5 1/2 years and recently hit some tough times. We recently decided to separate about a week ago, but we are still living together to take care of the bills. Now the twist--I've also became friendly with a girl I had met online, and anticipating the pending separation/moving out part, we planned on going out later in the week. My wife has been going back and forth on the separation issue, saying that she still loves me but there are a lot of things that she needs & I cannot give her. Part of me wants to just move out because her indecision is bothering me, but part of me wants to stay to see if anything changes. Unfortunately, if I was forced to choose what to do, I'd probably want to leave; this girl and I have a lot in common, share similar interests, and we seem to have a connection. I do love my wife, but I do want to see her happy, and I'm not sure if I can do that.

We work separate shifts and barely see each other. The urge of sex is there, but the desire isn't. She wants me to do some soul searching to find out what I really want. She said that, if somewhere down the road I should become more than friends with this girl, she'd be upset but she would deal with it. She's also told me that she's "one foot in, one foot out" on separating. To her, my moving out would make divorce the next step. I want her to be happy and not be going through this, and I need to be happy too; would divorce allow us to pursue this happiness?

There are a lot of little things that she needs, and she knows I can't give those to her. Also, this other girl is aware of my separation and is only a friend that I can talk to. Through this week, she's allowed me to get things off my chest and at least make the day a little positive for me. My wife had a close friend she confides in with her problems, but I didn't until this girl came along. It's been talking and nothing more. She is aware of my situation and does not want to make it worse.

I've been talking to this girl on the phone; I met her online, but I've talked to her on the phone since.

Answer 1

I think the whole time apart thing in a relationship is good to try at least once. It'll give you both a breather and a moment to remember all the reasons you love each other. If being away makes you feel happier than you know what to do. It sure is a gamble but sometimes you need to get out to really dig within. Since you both still care very much for each other, I would hold off on having any dates with others cause this would only complicate the situation. Just take your breather, find yourselves again, then take it from there. Good luck!

Answer 2

When you decide what you are going to do, remember that the feeling you are having for this other girl happened also when you first met your wife. Leaving a marriage is hard and I would tell you to stop talking to this other person until you are certain about your wife cause whatever you have or had with the woman you married can not be made whole again while you are thinking of someone else. You should take your wife out with her knowing it is to talk about where you are going to go from there, in your marriage. Being alone with her could help to make each of you a little more honest with each other. Good Luck......

Answer 3

You only recently hit tough times, and you and your wife only decided to separate a week ago, and you're already asking if it's okay to date? Eep.

I would be extremely wary of even thinking about starting anything new so soon; there's a strong chance that rebound effect, or neediness, or revenge ("I'll show her; look, SOMEONE wants me") or other issues are affecting you and your new interest. I would strongly suggest going to couples counseling with your wife -- even if the end result is indeed separation, you'll feel better for having tried, and hopefully will gain insight into what went wrong, and how to do better.

If you do separate, then SEPARATE, and THEN consider dating. Finish the old before starting anything new, or you'll just be bringing a lot of baggage along for the ride.

Answer 4

Your marriage to your wife is very important. You must use all possible care to try to save it. If your wife continue to be reluctant to make her final decisions, and then you must give her the ultimatum. I know you love and care about your wife. Perhaps you two should separate for three days and see what will your heart says to you.

The question that you are asking in your mind is does your wife love you the same way. This is something you have to ask her, but even then you must see the evidence of her love.

If you two agrees on not honor the marriage anymore, and then you can enter into another relationship without any guilt. You don't want have any bad blood with your wife. This is right thing to do! God bless.

Answer 5

Relationships are tricky because some people want you to be every thing for them. It's called co-dependency. When you marry that person is suppose to be your best friend, but your wife has to be secure. It sounds like she wants you to be something you are not. Yes, marriage involves compramise, but too much bending become dysfunctional. Please do not bring another person into this web. It's not fair to the online girl. You are unavailable, still married and living with someone. For her to know this and still want to be involved with you says alot about her esteem. (desperate) Not that you wouldn't be a good catch, but you're involved and definitley need to end this chapter before you start another. For your marriage because there's still love there, I would seek counseling together and separately. It sounds like you both have issues. See, you're reaching out to a perfect stranger because you need someone to talk to and have fun with which is a band-aid on a wound. Short-lived....rebound. If you still love your wife, she's the one you should reach for, not someone new...It just adds more drama on top of drama! Do the right thing....do what you can to see it through, if your wife says no, go thru with divorce, allow time for you heart to heal and move on. That's my spin on it.

Answer 6

My suggestion would be to just leave your wife all together. I think it is unfair to her to put her in that position. I would suggest just being friends with this girl for now and waiting to date again after you get divorced unless your marriage was already over a long time ago. You should probably do some soul searching to really find out what you really want. Best of luck!

Answer 7

Give her some time to think. If you love someone put all you have into the relationship to make it work. If the will is not there to help save it, then go your separate ways. But give her time to think, don't jump into doing something with another women until you know for sure that you are getting a divorce. Finalize the divorce then start dating, because a women just needs time to think. I'm sure she isn't off with another man

Answer 8

you have been seperated only a week and already found a new love interest? sounds like you really dont love your wife or want to try to work things out.

tough times appear and you both are ready to give up? what type of marriage is that? we all get tough times, lose jobs, deaths, stress and so much more, but if you love someone, you get thru the tough times together. thats what make a marriage strong. you are both ready to just throw away 5 1/2 years of your life?

you didnt state what it is that your wife wants so badly that you can NOT give to her. or is it that you dont want to give it to her?

if the 2 of you do infact love each other, work it out, marriage is a struggle, but you can not work it out if you already have someone else in the waiting.

hugz

Answer 9

A separation should be good, but don't jump into anything with this other woman unless you are sure that you no longer love your wife. Give your wife time as well. Wounds heal and maybe one day, you'll realize she's the only one for you.

Someone once said, never leave the one you love for the one you like, because the one you like, will leave you for the one they love.

Answer 10

Whether or not you leave your wife should have nothing to do with someone you've met online. If your marriage isn't worth staying in than it shouldn't matter whether there is someone else in the picture or not, and vice versa. Figure out your relationship with the one your married to before you go creating new relationships (that will in all likelihood lead to nothing).